Dating tips

One of the most distressing things about finding a potential mate can be interacting with them on a one on one.  Some people enjoy the cut and thrust of a vibrant date while others find the prospect daunting or boring.

In these fast-paced and sometimes stressful times, where a computer virus can destroy everything you hold dear, or a Twitter can take over the mind of a loved one, it is important that things be put in concise lists of no more than five points.  This is one such list.

A lothario of some renown, I have had relationships with upwards of two women.  I have also written several emails offering advice on relationships to people, sometimes unsolicited.  Today I give you a simple list of ‘dos’ to make dating successful, fun, and not a waste of time.

What makes this list better than the other three I have read is that it isn’t gender specific.  The advice here can be used by any or all the genders.

Go to a bar

All dates should be in bars. If at all possible, all relationships should happen entirely in bars as well, but we’ll focus for now on the date.  Bars serve alcohol for a start, which is a plus. Most importantly commitment of time for the date is broken down into manageable chunks: the length of time it takes to consume a beverage.  If you go to a movie, you are committed to the length of time it takes to watch the movie, a dinner, the length of time it takes to eat dinner. If a date is going well, you can commit to it further by consuming more drinks, if it is going badly, you simply finish the drink, stand up, and walk out.

Be wasted

You should always be wasted when going on a date. There are two reasons for this. Firstly, being wasted is more fun than not being wasted in most situations and secondly, people think wasted people are cool. The reason you think you are funnier, smarter, better looking and louder when you are hammered is because you are.  Everyone you admire as being cool is, or was, wasted pretty much all the time: Keith Richards, Winston Churchill, Pete Doherty. All of them.

Dress casual

The key to a successful relationship is giving the impression that you don’t care what the other person thinks of you.  Everyone knows that heartless and aloof people are the most successful lovers. This is more than an ‘attitude’ though, it is also a look. If you try too hard, and show up wearing a tuxedo or, say, a wedding dress, the other person is going to go:

“Woah Nelly, commitment much?”

…and run a mile.  Or worse:

“Woah Nelly, stalker much?”

If you show up wearing board-shorts, scuffs, a dressing gown or just a hoodie you will attract an aura of aloof respect. Your attire can be a conversation starter, ferrying the date in the direction you wish it to go in. Allow me to illustrate:

Other Person: “So, you went with the track-pants eh”

You: *raise one eye-brow knowingly* “Easy to slip out of should one of us initiate intercourse”

Be late

As we have established, successful relationships are based on cold aloofness. One way of establishing this early on is to never be on time to meet the person you are dating. It is best if you are at least an hour late and you can cite either no reason for why, or if you cite a reason which belittles the other person:

“I was late because I was talking to a much better looking guy.”

Talk about dreams you’ve had

No one wants to hear your actual opinions on things.  All successful relationships are based on avoiding the discussion of anything substantive. Even most sorts of spider understand this. A good way of talking about nothing at all is to talk about dreams you have had recently. Dreams can be about anything and always make for lively, interesting discussion.  You can even make them up, and in doing so, turn the date in the direction you wish to take it in.  Witness:

“Last night I had a dream we Frenched hard…hint, hint.”

Subtle, but effective.

Now you know everything.

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5 thoughts on “Dating tips

  1. online datin

    I was wondering if you ever thought of changing the structure of your blog?
    Its very well written; I love what youve got to say. But maybe you could a
    little more in the way of content so people could connect with it better.
    Youve got an awful lot of text for only having
    one or 2 pictures. Maybe you could space it out better?

    Reply
    1. Dan Post author

      This is something I have, myself, pondered and worth considering. I dunno, I like words I guess. Not all words. Some words are things like ‘moist’ or ‘spangle’ or ‘human resources’, but the rest of them I love. But yeah, the visual aspect could be improved.

      Reply

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