Fancy chippies


Chippies: The most versatile meal

Chippies are probably the most versatile meal. They are so easy to prepare that you can whip up a dish of chippies even when you are arse-faced and they contain, lets say, 98.7% of your daily nutrients.  They contain salt for energy and potato for vitamins.  There are a myriad of flavours which cover any taste or desire.  There’s even gourmet varieties like ‘Roast Duck’ and ‘Sour Cream and Chives’ for all you foodees out there.

Unlike the other good food, pork slices, chippies are vegetarian.  Even the ones that say they are things like ‘Bacon and Radish’ or ‘Fried Deer’ don’t actually have any meat in them, they just use clever meat-flavoured chemicals.  This means that if you are a vegetarian, or pretending to be a vegetarian to impress someone who is a vegetarian, you can eat chippies and you’ll be fine.

Remember, vegetarians are quite often attractive. I have never been able to work out precisely why, but I have a laboratory working on it as I type this weblog bulletin.


Lettuce: Often replaced in salads with chippies. Especially when it has a creepy water-mark on it like this lettuce does.

Chippies aren’t just a meal. Quite often at fancy parties you’ll find chippies served alongside other foods like salsa, pate, or celery.  On one occasion I even saw chippies used as a basis of a salad, replacing lettuce.

On their own chippies are the best vegetarian food but sometimes you might wish to go for something a bit fancier.  Maybe you are having a man over. Or a lady. Or maybe both.  Maybe the man is going to watch. I’m not going to judge.

Maybe your motives aren’t the accumulation of sexual conquests at all; maybe you are inviting a few colleagues over from work and you want to prove to them that you are middle-class.  Maybe you just feel like treating yourself and you don’t want to go to a restaurant because for some reason you find waiters disconcerting.

In the same way that chippies can help you sate your hunger at 4.30AM when you stumble in after a night on the razz, chippies can also help you impress a conjugal guest, win that contract, or convince your friends pork slices aren’t the only thing you eat.   Because you are sober, you will be pleasantly surprised how little of the plastic packaging you end up eating trying to open them too.

Open the packet and place the chippies in a bowl. When sober you will find that you can IMG_0322[1]open a packet of chippies, even a difficult one, with your hands.  While you can still open a packet of chippies with your teeth when you haven’t imbibed, it is generally considered polite to open the packet with your hands.  To make fancy chippies place a small amount of the chippies in the bowl, in a manner similar to that pictured on your right.


Tomato sauce: The key to the taste sensation

Tomato sauce. Opening the packet with your hands and using a bowl isn’t the only thing that differentiates cordon bleu dining from a normal night at home with a packet of chicken Spuds.  The key ingredient is tomato sauce.  This turns chippies from a meal, into a taste sensation. This is why you only placed a small amount of the chippies in the bowl; you need to layer the chippies and the sauce.  Squirt the sauce in a manner similar to, but not necessarily identical to, the manner pictured on the left.


Turning the mundane, into the magnificent.

Creativity. People often say creativity is the key to turning average stuff into good, or even awesome stuff.  While this seldom applies to food, it is certainly the case with smart phones, cars, shoes, music and what order you take different drugs in.  It is our intention to turn the normally formulaic and even pointless world of food preparation into something creative, something bordering on art. You do this by adding ingredients. I like pepper and chilli powder, as pictured on the right, but you could go for mustard, cheese or even oysters.


Another layer of chippies. On top of the first layer. It’s like that movie Layer Cake.

Layer it. It’s not all fun, games, and stopping part-way through your preparation to go on Twitter; creating a great meal takes work. You’ve only done the bottom layer remember, so put down that drink and get on with it! They’ll be here in a minute and you’ve still got to do a Spotify playlist.  And all your other Spotify play-lists you have are arse. They are all full of Mumford and Sons songs and remixes of Len’s ‘Steal My Sunshine’ which you tell people you listen to ironically.

Topping it all off. You’ve done the layers of chippies, and they have sauce, and chilli, and pepper, and maybe gherkins on them but now its time to really mix it up. Time to make this meal into an experience.  One food that goes with all other foods, breakfast or otherwise, is eggs. So add a fried egg. Well, fry up an egg and then add it.  Then place the egg on top of the fancy chippies.  When you serve the meal your guest(s) will go “That’s a pretty decent meal, an egg in a bowl.  Hold up though, there’s something underneath this fried egg. I mean, the egg was enough, but…Oh my GOD!”  

IMG_0329[1]They will quite literally think, if not say, exactly that. Word for word.

There is literally no way you won’t impress your guests and you will finally realise why celebrity chefs get lots of money and fame and sex despite being such total and utter fuck-wits.


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