Getting fit

Fitness is extremely important. In prehistoric times people who had defined abdominal muscles were the most valued members of a tribe because they could survive being charged by a triceratops and not get winded.

Since the earliest times, human mating rituals have been based around feats of physical strength. Mayan men would determine the pedigree of a female companion based on how many leg lifts she could do with, lets say, a log.

The earliest recorded ‘Beep Test’, in ancient Rome, was designed so that the wealthy and powerful heiress to an amphora manufacturing fortune could choose a suitable husband.  Wealth and prowess on the battlefield were seen as of scanty importance next to a potential suitor’s being able to run between two arbitrarily defined points, in ever decreasing units of time, measured by beeps.  Except, yeah, they wouldn’t have been ‘beeps’ as much as ‘the chiming of a small bronze bell’.  Yeah.

Even in modern times it is no accident that world leaders in most countries are required to bench-press at least 200 lbs before they can take office; lifting large things, even largely pointless things, is important.

Since earliest times then, being fit has been both prized by society and pivotal in attracting a human mate. For sex with.

The problem is that in our hurly-burly modern world of Twitter and interesting TV shows that last for literally years, it is hard to find the time to exercise.  It is estimated that New Zealand will soon slip to sixth place in the OECD for ‘Ability to hold heavy things above our heads’ and as low as twelfth in ‘Cycling for ages on a stationary bicycle-thing’.

These statistics are frightening, but there is something we can all do.  Even those of us diagnosed, by doctors and stuff, as lazy.

I am here to give some top tips for staying in shape for people who can’t be arsed actually doing hard, sweaty exercise and too cheap to do Pilates or yoga.

Keep gym equipment near the TV

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Gym equipment near the TV: I’m not a douche

The television is the most important focal point of any home. People do all their eating, all their playing with their iPhone, and most of their sitting, in front of the TV, so it pays to have gym equipment sitting near it as a motivation to work out.  As you get up to go to the lavatory, or feed the cat, or have a cigarette out of the window you will occasionally pick up a dumb-bell and languidly lift it up and down a few times.  You are half way there already.

Visible living room gym equipment is also a very good way of determining the value of a sexual partner.  If you bring a ‘special friend’ home and they don’t remark on how much of a total dick you are for having loads of gym equipment in your lounge, definitely don’t sleep with them.  Having gym equipment out for the world to see is the sort of dick move that only a truly soulless and horrid person would think is normal.  If you don’t cut and run now, you might find out later that they believe in the tenets of ‘The Secret’ or that they buy ‘compilations’ of music on CD designed around moods or days of the week.

Always be sitting on a Swiss Ball IMG_0317[1]

Literally the easiest way you can get totally fit is by sitting on a Swiss ball.  Just by sitting down at your computer, or eating a bargain bucket in front of Girls you will be becoming fit.  Sitting on a Swiss ball activates your core which in turn causes fitness. Its basic science.

Wear gym clothes everywhere

If you are always seen walking purposefully wearing a track-suit and trainers people will assume that you are off to the gym and thus, that you are actively getting fit in a mainstream manner.  In doing this, you are walking purposefully which is in itself, a sort of exercise.  This is where the common idiom ‘The world is my gym’ comes from.  Yes, granted, it is usually said by woefully unfit people, but enough storming from place to place hurriedly will give you much needed leg fitness.

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Nike Air Max: An estimated 7 billion pairs were stolen during the London Riots of 2010

This method of getting fit is so common that an entire type of sports shoe has been invented for the purpose: the cross trainer.  There is actually no such thing as ‘cross training’ – the shoe is entirely for walking around as if you are off to do actual fitness stuff. The Nike Air Max (pictured) was first designed as a shoe for running away from the police in horrific housing estates, but later adopted by people wishing to look like they exercise but really sit around playing video-games and occasionally going to nightclubs.

So there you have it, fitness without much changing your sedentary lifestyle. Choice.

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