Things you should not do

One of the problems with the world today is lots of things that it seems like you should always do, you should in fact, never do.

I am not one hundred per cent sure why I made that statement the world today; I am sure this has been an issue since the dawning of the Age of Civilisation.  Dueling, for one, looks bad-ass, but it was probably pretty stupid. Even with pistols more likely to blow up in the shooter’s hand than actually shoot the person they are aimed at, it was probably always one of those things you thought later on ‘that was pretty dumb’ and you’d only have had the option of thinking that if you had won the duel.

The reason for this is the world is designed to deceive.  Things are not always what they seem.  Even the most harmless things, or things that seem like a lot of fun are in fact very bad ideas.

Face graffiti


Just say ‘Know’: Know your context, know your limits, know your audience

This is a tough one because there are circumstances when writing obscenities and drawing lewd cartoons all over someone’s face with a marker pen is a really good idea.  This is why I chose this example; to illustrate an over-arching point about ‘things’: sometimes a thing is good but sometimes it is bad.  Context.

If you friend has over-imbibed on alcohol or the usage of the drugs we deem ‘funny’, and they have passed out, it is a hilarious state of affairs to write swears on their face with a marker pen.  It is made even more hilarious if they don’t notice this once resuming consciousness and then shamble drunkenly into a McDonalds.

However, if you see someone passed out on their desk at work, or a complete stranger is passed out in the street, your first reaction should not be to pull out a Sharpie and hone your swearing skills.

For a start, if they haven’t been drinking or engaged in the usage of drugs, they may be in one of the ‘unfunny’ comas.  Like from diabetes.  Your first reaction should be to call an ambulance or someone versed in the first aid arts.

Even once this has been done, and medical attention is on its way, you shouldn’t write on them.  They might be dead.  It is considered pretty tasteless in most circles for the grieving family to see the faceof their recently-deceased loved one covered in the word ‘knob’.  Even if you knew the person well and they were, in fact, a bit of a knob.

There is actually a very slim window of acceptability for writing swears on an unconscious person’s face: when they are passed out drunk AND you know them well AND the swears aren’t super, over-the-top nasty.  Pretty much no other unconsciousness situation is acceptable for face graffiti.



Eggplant: Not even once.

Eggplant is always wrong.  Firstly, eggplant is fibrous and stringy and tastes like nothing, which is why it is always suggested you eat eggplant stuffed with something else. Basically, by eating an eggplant you are telling the world that it is acceptable to eat packaging.

Secondly, they are expensive.  Not only are you eating packaging, but it would be cheaper to eat almost any other sort of packaging.

Thirdly, no-one actually likes eggplant; people eat it because they have been pressured by the forces of trend and social pressure to do it.

Eating eggplant then is basically eating the world’s most expensive egg-carton because someone you don’t know told you to do it.

Snorting things


Ramen noodle powder: It might be a powder, and you might think it will make the ramen experience better, but snorting ramen powder is a bad idea.

Like most of you, for a long time I believed that the best way to make anything work faster and more effectively was to snort it. Obviously it works with some illicit drugs, some not-so-illicit drugs, but the assumption is that it works with any liquid and a lot of foods.

It is easy to make the deductive leap to assuming that snorting all the ingredients of a meal are better than cooking the meal and eating it. 

It is natural, too, to assume that snorting a lottery ticket will cause the results of the lottery to become available more quickly.  You might even think that if you snort your building consent application forms, very finely shredded, that you might be able to speed up the building consents process.   

Well, this just isn’t true. You can’t snort away all your problems. 

It just doesn’t work that way.


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