One of the things that happens as you get older is you become in grave danger of becoming nostalgic about the past. At some point if you aren’t careful, music starts to sound worse, clothes start to annoy you, and broad social trends start needing legislation to curtail them.
Some people are always like this, and those people are called arseholes, so it is important to remember that these impulses are the whisperings of your darker demons.
It pays occasionally then to remind yourself about some of the crap things about the past. There are loads of crap things about the past too; technology, most music, what you could and couldn’t do because of social mores. Mostly the past, even your youth, was shitty or at very least lame and funny. One thing, if you are a bloke such as myself, is hair was funny. I mean, really, it was.
For all you near-nostalgic men-children out there, let’s snap back into the reality of the ever-improving present with at some hairstyles I know you rocked, and we hope not to see again.
The Corporate Pony-tail
In the eighties people got into being really busy. Unlike in the seventies, where everyone was sitting round on strike listening to Mott the Hoople records, the eighties were all about being too busy to get your hair cut. Of course, you had to look respectable when you were selling junk bonds so as your hair grew, you slicked it back and tied it off at the base so you had slimy horse’s tail hanging off the back of your skull.
The Bell-endThe thing about grunge hair, is it looked fine if your hair was naturally straight, but if you were like me you had a slight wave or curl in it, it tended to turn up at the sides giving your head a distinct ‘bell’ look. Quite often, when I hunched my shoulders in angsty cynicism, it gave the distinct impression my shoulders were two testicles. Therefore, dear readers, I used walk around looking like a cock and balls. It wasn’t an impressive cock and balls either; I looked like a stubby, faux-nihilistic, choad.
The Dudebro Dreads
I have nothing against dreadlocks. They look good on some people and they carry cultural and religious significance for many.
I see dreadlocks as being a bit like owning sheep though. If you take an interest in sheep, or grow up in a family or community that raises sheep, chances are you will look after them and they will be an asset to you.
If however, you decide to get a sheep on a whim when you move into your first student flat because getting a sheep is pretty bad-ass, chances are you won’t look after it. Chances are, your sheep will get daggy bits of shit hanging off it’s unkempt nether regions. Chances are, after a year you’ll be walking around wondering what the smell is, only to find your sheep died six months earlier and was decomposing behind the damp couch you won at the Student Union bar.
The latter part of that story is only partly a metaphor; parts of it were literal.