How to act at parties

party image

Image for ‘Party’ I found on Google. Note: No-one has ever had fun at a party where there are party hats.

One of the best things about not being on home detention is being able to leave the house. In fact, the reason home detention is considered a punishment is because it is implied that the sentence of being ‘not able to leave the house’ is considered worse than having the option to leave the house.

Hence it being a punishment.

There are definitely times when leaving the house is worse than being on home detention; like leaving the house to go to work, or to a garden centre, or to a farmers market. If you were required, as part of a custodial sentence, to leave the house every day to see Mumford & Sons play live you would almost certainly get your legal counsel to plead for a standard prison sentence with all its attendant smells.

Some leaving the house-based events however, are more difficult to place in into the standard ‘better than home detention/worse than home detention’ categories. One such type of event is a party. You basically never know if a party is going to be any good.

Sometimes you will go to a party, drink lots, laugh, joke, and have fun. See a long lost friend, stay up all night. Find a bottle of single malt and retire into the wee hours, with a small group of you to a nearby hillock to watch the sun come up and laugh. Oh how you laugh. Not derisively or anything; joyously. No one is the butt of a joke when you are laughing joyously.


A nice bottle of single malt

Or maybe you don’t find a bottle of single malt or any long lost friends, but meet a new friend. You will both talk about how hard it is to meet people at ‘events like this’ then go back to their place to have not one, or two, but in fact, three orgasms.

However, there is also a very real chance it will be a total shit-carnival. There is a very real chance that the horrors of day-to-day life strangers will not only be present at this festival of the mundane, but accentuated. You get stuck with a boring public servant on craft beer who thinks her life is important but, yet, still so very sad. You might even get pinned down by a gurning Money Analyst (hey, I don’t know what the fuck their actual job titles are…) who thinks the racist joke he has been telling all night is hilarious. Even when you escape he’ll follow you around, in a slick of his own slimy arrogance, fueled by some creepy substance in a baggie he thinks is cocaine.

There’s just no way of knowing.

Well, maybe there is.

There are three fool-proof ways to make sure that you don’t have a shit time at a party.

Get wasted before you get to the party

Apparently we are supposed to call it ‘pre-loading’ but since no-one who calls it that actually does it, I will call it ‘getting wasted before you get to the party.’ We will assume the ‘everything is more fun when you are drunk’ truism is known to you, dear reader, and discuss the other reasons why getting wasted before you attend a soiree is top notch.

Firstly, if you show up hammered only select people will talk to you. This eliminates the possibility of having to move from one boring conversation to another. The people who will talk to you break into three broad categories ‘other wasted people’ who are probably quite fun, ‘people who are concerned about you’, and as any fifteen year old boy will tell you ‘concern’ and ‘pity’ are easily leveraged into ‘sex’ and ‘weird people no-one else wants to talk to’. This category is admittedly a mixed bag.


A thing of sick. The pigeon is pretending it can’t see it while the camera is there but its not fooling anyone.

The second reason showing up wasted is a good idea is if you do find yourself in the company of someone odious or boring, you have carte blanche to be sick on them. Nothing ends a social interaction like regurgitation. You can use that as a motto.

Okay, maybe not ‘carte blanche’. I have been on the giving and receiving end of vomit and I can safely say no-one was exactly ‘happy’ about the Kahlua and Kentucky Fried exchange. However, no one entirely blames a drunken up-chucker either. Sure, you’ll get a grim look maybe even a “what the fuck man!” but you try throwing up on someone when you are sober and see the reaction you get. You have no excuse. Alcohol is an excuse.

Never attend professional events

Well, never attend them expecting them to be fun anyway. You could argue that ‘going to work’ is ‘attending a professional event’ and no-one is saying never go to work. Not in this weblog bulletin anyway. Anything that sells itself as networking or the only reason anyone knows anyone there is because they share the same profession should be avoided because it will be pants. A give-away is name-tags, or when the proportion of men in the room with their shirts tucked in is greater than those with them untucked. Actually, if the event doesn’t have at least one person without a shirt it should be viewed with suspicion.

People’s jobs are boring and people who share the same job and have nothing else in common can only discuss their jobs. Even good people in this situation, who might otherwise like the band My Bloody Valentine or seriously weird sex, become boring in this hum-drum petri-dish of humanity. When they talk to each other they become boring to the power of boring. Which is hella boring.

Fly your colours

This is a metaphor. I mean, sure, if you have a flag or your own naval insignia be my guest, but what I mean is make it clear what you are about early on in the evening. Showing up twelve lagers deep will help with this, everyone will know that one of the things you are about is ‘being drunk’ and the tone and volume of your voice should take care of the rest.


He remembered not details, but the bond they made would last forever. “We are the boys of summer!” he yelled, and they all cheered.

You can inform a room full of people, quite easily, what sort of person you are by loudly indicating the sort of people you don’t like. This will weed out people that are not to your satisfaction without having to even talk to them or be sick on them.

Loudly talk about how you hate a particular style of music and people who like that style of music will avoid you. If you loudly pontificate about how you never meet any really cultured European guys, those who are not cultured or European will take heed. You will be left with, by way of the natural filtration process, only the classy, cultured people who will undoubtedly take you back to their penthouse art-studios for romantic misunderstandings. Alternatively, if you bellow voluminously about how much you hate bankers or dog trainers, you will never have to meet one.

Remember, everyone loves prejudice if it is loud.

So now you know about how to act at parties so you will always have a brilliant time. Who cares if no-one else does. You’re golden.


3 thoughts on “How to act at parties

  1. Mike

    Or, if you are like me, show up at a party uninvited (well, invited by someone who isn’t the host – someone like you, Dan) with a package of chicken feet as a gift to the vegetarian host. Then keep putting it back in the fridge after finding it in the bin.

  2. miareardon

    I am quite certain once every girl reaches a certain level of drunkenness at parties, they ALWAYS spill shit. They will stumble into some unsuspecting guy (who wasn’t even facing their direction), then blame him for the yellow wine cooler stain on their top and call him an asshole. I have been this girl. I’m also pretty sure that I will continue to be in future.


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