The thing about talking to people is it is an endless grinding battle of glib retorts and come-backs. Even if you are talking at your friends, family, loved ones, or people you wish to sex at, you can never let your guard down when chatting.
Drop that guard for just a second and you’ll catch a sneering “No, that’s you sorry” or a “YOU’RE an emissions trading scheme!” and you will have lost at talking. Hang your head in shame. No one has sexuals with a person who can’t banter.
You could change the way you talk to people; maybe adopt a more mature register and repertoire of conversation. You could try arguing with logic and reasoning. You could stop hanging around with those people.
Or you could learn ways of KOing mofos with one line hay-makers of words that will win you any chat title belt, and impress babes of any gender.
The shorter, the sweeter and the more ‘under 140-characters’ the better.
The ‘more like’
Someone says something, anything, and you say it back to them switching out the first part of what they said with an offensive, insulting, or lewd word that rhymes with the bit you’ve switched out using the form “____ more like ____”
There’s nothing like a demonstration:
Your Mother: “Would you like some macaroni and cheese?”
YOU: “Macaroni and cheese? more like WACKaroni and cheese!”
BOOM. Cold slayed your mum!
It even works when referring to the TV series The West Wing, and here, I go for the double ‘more like’:
Guy you would probably sleep with if you were bored: “Let’s watch season five of The West Wing and cuddle under this light purple, almost lavender-coloured blanket. Its arguably the best series.”
YOU: “West Wing? More like YOU WERE CAUGHT IN A SEX-PEST STING!”*
BOOM! Cold slayed that dude who doesn’t know much about how good series’ of The West Wing are!
*Note: No one has successfully performed a funny ‘double more like’.
This is a derivation of the standard school-yard ‘yo’ mother’ joke, whereby you insult your conversational opponent by making a set-piece disparaging remark about their mother. The modern ‘your mum’ is more free-form and doesn’t rely on a set-piece joke. You simply reply to anything with “Your mum’s a…”
Dude with a pony-tail: “blah, blah, blah The Foo Fighters…”
YOU: “Your MUM’S a Foo Fighter!”
BOOM! Cold slayed that dude going on about The Foo Fighters!
The phone call
This is a response to a topic whereby you pretend to be a date, person or social trend ringing on an invisible telephone to say they want whatever is being discussed back. This implies that the topic the person has ventured an opinion on, or the opinion itself, is either old or unoriginal or that they are somehow unfashionable.
Let me demonstrate:
Girl you mistakenly think will sleep with you if you lightly insult her: “I really like cargo-pants, they are really comfortable. I know, naff right?”
YOU: “Hey, 1997 and to a lesser-extent 1998 called, they want their clothes back.”
BOOM! Cold slayed that girl when really you wanted to tell her how you really felt!
You can also riff on the concept by layering it, maybe get two hits in. Like so:
Chap on bus: “I saw Aqua on CD and I was all ‘I haven’t seen that in years’ so I bought it.”
YOU: “Hey, 1997 and to a lesser-extent 1998 called it wants both it’s media format and its music taste back!”
BOOM! Cold slayed that chap on the bus who just wanted to talk because his life is nothing but a lonely, nostalgic bubble!
Saying ‘Newsflash’ or ‘Hello’ slightly louder and with an incredulous tone of voice
This is probably the easiest of all the retorts, and there are some who argue it is only marginally better than screwing up your face while the other person is talking, making a dismissive ‘wanking’ gesture as they speak, or just making a farting noise with your tongue/armpit. Simplicity can be effective however.
Simply illustrate how obvious what a the person is saying by saying ‘Newsflash’ slightly louder, and with a more incredulous, tone of voice than you’d normally speak in, and then repeat their main point. The same works with “Hello!” or even simply “Duh.”
Former Chinese Premier and Revolutionary Leader Mao Tse Tung: “Political power grows out of the barrel of a gun”
YOU: “Newsflash! Political power grows out of the barrel of a gun”
BOOM! Cold slayed that titan of twentieth century historical importance!