So you have a hot-air balloon

Hot-air balloonThe thing is, a hot-air balloon seems fairly pointless to most people unless you have the very specialised interest of ‘hot-air ballooning’.  To these people, souring majestically and silently above the earth with nothing between you and God’s creation but basket and air is an amazing way to spend time.  To the rest of us however, this would be either terrifying or boring.  Or a strange hybrid of the two.

The problem arises then when you acquire a hot air-balloon that you didn’t expect.  Say, you inherit one, or you win one in a raffle.  The easy thing to do seems like it would be to say “What a crappy prize/inheritance. I wish I hadn’t taken that raffle-ticket/gone to all those boring family dinners now” and try and sell it. I mean, you can only give your friends balloon rides* a few times before they start making excuses not to see you, lest you try (again…) to make them go up in the (boring fucking…) hot air balloon.

Well, that attitude is short-sighted.

There are lots of things you can do with a hot-air balloon that you might have won or found rolled up down the back of your mental aunt’s garage, and they are all awesome.

Illicit monkeyshines


Drawing not to scale re. jurisdiction height

One of the little known law facts  is that in most criminal jurisdictions the law no longer applies when you are a certain distance from the ground**.  It differs from jurisdiction to jurisdiction but it is usually around about 100 feet.

Just park the hot-air balloon anywhere you want, use the measuring…ah…rope, to measure the distance between the basket and the ground, make sure you are outside the jurisdiction of the law, and play: monkeyshines and shenanigans ahoy!  You can hold monkey knife-fights for money, smoke the mad chrons, or even start a fight club and there’s nothing anyone can do about it.


Cheat on your partner


Affairs of the heart: A lot like balloons.

Hot air balloons are a lot like affairs of the heart in that they can be kept pretty quiet.  Actually, that is the only way they are like affairs of the heart, but that is actually the important one here. Just park the hot-air balloon outside your house and let it hover there with your illicit lover inside the basket. Waiting.

Chances are your significant other won’t even notice the balloon when they come home from the office; it will be so quiet and above the ground.  If they do notice it, just shrug and say that you “left it up for the night to air it out a bit.”

Wait until your partner falls asleep, then spirit out of the window, up a ladder, and into the basket for all night illicit ‘balloon rides***’.

When you have had your sexuals, simply slip down the ladder and back through the window. Slide back into bed before your betrothed even wakes up, and in time for your morning argument.



Now you might think the advertising market is a crowded one, what with television, radio, Facebook and urinal advertisements, and you’d be right in a way.  However, there is always room for one more player if you are prepared to advertise for people or organisations so weird or repugnant, that no-one else will touch them with a barge-pole.

A hot-air balloon is basically a giant, hot-air-filled bill-board that can be moved from place to place as needed/people complain about the hate-filled slogans on it.

As Confucius once said:  No one ever went broke appealing to the lowest common denominator!

Stupid inspirational posters


Stupid inspirational posters for morons

The thing about hot-air balloons is they are majestic when they float through the air. Even if you think they are stupid or boring you’d have to admit that.  The thing about majestic things is they often inspire morons to spout loo-paper philosophy; attaching some hackneyed truism to a particular image in an attempt to give it a weight of significance far greater than it actually has.

We’ve all seen the posters in cheap hotels or recruitment company offices with stupid slogans about success, motivation or achievement juxtaposed with pictures of dolphins, or eagles, or sunrises, or…hot air-balloons floating over scenic horizons.

That hot-air balloon picture is owned by someone. That someone could be you.

*Actual balloon rides, not the sexual position

**Not actually true

***The sexual position, not actual balloon rides


One thought on “So you have a hot-air balloon

  1. Pingback: Social media | Dan

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