How to get rich. Part One.

Quite often you hear people say “Money isn’t everything” or “I don’t care about how much money she has, I like her emerald green eyes” or even “I hate this money”.

The problem is, only one of these statements is correct when taken in context: Sure, he likes her eyes but as much as seven BMWs? Doubtful

Sure, she hates that money, but what she hates about it, is that it is covered in last night’s lasagne. She is not making a wider socio-economic point; she is merely annoyed someone spilled Italian food all over her purse. Don’t jump to conclusions. It’s nothing a bit of money laundering won’t fix.

Money isn’t everything, but it is loads of things.

The problem with money is it is quite sought after. After ‘stylish hair’ and ‘diamonds’ it is probably the most sought after thing.  Like all sought after things, there is a hard way to get lots of it; to become, in effect, ‘rich with money’.  This hard way includes hard work and thrift, clever and calculated risk, creative innovation or inventing a mobile phone app.  Like everything we focus on in the weblog, there is also an easy way. Or several easy ways.  Let’s say, four.

Now the feedback I have received for this weblog has tended to fall into two distinct categories:  “You’re shit” and “You’re amazing, but your weblog communiqués are too bleedin’ long!”

So I have decided to ignore the first kind of feedback and, at least while I remember, take the second kind on board.

So this is part one. Part two will be the second part, a timeframe after part one.

Inherit money

This is the easiest way to become rich.  It is also what happens to most money: it moves from one relative to the next. You don’t even have to do anything.

This is why people who inherit money are always the most highly respected people in any culture: everyone else makes a big flippin’ deal about money, saying “Oh look how hard I’m working” or “Oh, I don’t have enough money for boat shoes” but they just cruise on in and are all “Hey, I’m totally chill, want to go to the yacht club or something”. And they say it in a posh voice.

Because they aren’t forced to work or do inventing, people who inherit money are free to do as they will: which is mainly ‘get totally smashed’, ‘play arcane sports only they know the rules to’ and ‘hard bondage’.

The problem is most people don’t have parents wealthy enough for them to live solely off of inherited wealth. Some may get something later in life and some may assume they will only to get a massive shock (See also: mooching off of your parents well into your thirties).

For most of us, we can only dream of being eccentric, drinking ourselves to death in a penthouse apartment, or attending cocaine and amyl nitrated-soaked masque orgies.

Do crime

Whoever said to you that crime doesn’t pay was filling your head with poppycock. Crime most certainly does pay.  Look at the Mafia, and people who make Mafia themed movies and television.

Of course, like most things you have to apply a degree of nous to doing crime.  Not all crimes pay so it pays to focus on crimes that do. Drunkenly stumbling around kicking rubbish bins is ‘crime’ but it also very difficult to monetise. Not impossible, but difficult. Stealing diamonds or priceless works of art however, do pay: you get some diamonds and priceless works of art and you don’t have to pay anything for them. One hundred per cent profit.

The key in crime is ambition: don’t just steal a Cherry Ripe bar; they are gross and not very valuable. Steal a house.

Criminals are respected in modern society: just look around at men’s fashion.  Everyone is wearing ‘hoodies’, ‘backward baseball caps’, ‘baggy 1930’s pin-stripe suits’ and ‘black leather bomber jackets with ‘crime’ emblazoned on the back’.

Dot. Dot. Dot. *suspenseful music playing. Like, classical, or opera or Muse or something*

And here is Part Two. I told you there’d be another part didn’t I. Ye of little faith.


One thought on “How to get rich. Part One.

  1. Pingback: How to get rich. Part Two | Dan

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