At the Dan Weblog we tackle some of the bigger issues, sure, but we also like to think we have a jackernape side as well.
Short of wit, playing pranks is the best way to make people laugh. There’s nothing like a prank to really lighten the mood when there’s a tense situation or a tense person around.
Few people are more tense than new parents, so naturally, they are the best people to prank. Here’s a beautiful and easy-to-execute prank that will lighten the mood in any “Oh God, someone’s got a baby!” situation.
Things you will need
- One large cooked ham (unglazed)
- One non-litigious, gentile friend with a baby.
How the prank works
Firstly you take the ham to a park that you know that you know your friend takes their baby for a walk. Find some reason to be at the park, that isn’t suss. When you see your friend approaching with their baby in its pram, make sure the ham is obscured from view.
Your friend not knowing that you have a ham is critical to the success of this prank. If they see you, you might as well go home and eat the ham like a failure.
Next you greet your friend. Say “hello”, compliment him or her on their ‘baseball cap over bandana’ look that they are rocking. Tell them it suits them.
Basically, act like you normally would act around your friend if you didn’t have a large ham obscured from their view.
Then you distract your friend.
The thing about the distraction is it has to be something interesting enough to make your friend look away, but not so totally crazy that they’ll panic and worry about the safety of their baby. Don’t yell “Look, a terrorist!” or “Look an aircraft carrier.”
A minor distraction.
While your friend is minorly distracted, you switch the baby in the pram with the hitherto obscured ham.
Now, if you have the time, you may wish to swaddle the ham, or at least cover the ham with one of the blankets in the pram. This will only add to the impact of the prank by making the switch harder to detect.
Once the switch has taken place, you may wish to obscure the baby in much the same way you obscured the ham from view. By this point your friend would have realised whatever it was you had drawn their attention to, isn’t there.
At this point you should make your excuses and leave the park:
“I’ve just got to go for a run.”
‘Going for a run’ is a good one. Make it seem more believable by making sort of ‘running motions’ as you say it, or by being the sort of person to whom physical exercise is not too foreign a concept.
Anyway, at this point, your friend will wander off with what they think is their baby in the pram.
Retire to a vantage point where you can see your friend ,and watch from behind a tree or something.
Now, if your friend is in any way, shape or form, a good parent, eventually they will start to get the inkling that something is amiss.
Actually, that’s a good point; if you know in advance your friend is a bad parent don’t choose them for this prank. Aside from maybe spending ages waiting for them to notice someone had switched their baby with a large unglazed cooked ham and you getting bored, they may even leave the park, go off somewhere else, or put the ham to bed in the baby’s crib.
They may never notice. While this is unlikely, there is still the possibility that you’ll have to tail them away from the park and from bar to bar, or even to their drug dealers house, before they notice.
Anyway, when they notice, this is when the fun starts.
From your vantage point watch them panic. Watch them look around for their baby, watch them start to wonder what sort of person would let their baby get switched with a large unglazed cooked ham. Just when you can tell in their eyes they are thinking: ‘Hey, I wonder if that was a ham they had behind their back just before…’ you appear, holding their baby.
Now, there might be a stony silence for a few seconds.
Ride this out: it is just them getting the joke through the wall of sheer panic that shot up between them and their sense of humour when they thought someone had actually taken their baby.
Then they get the joke…
As the wall of fear and panic crumbles down they’ll find the joke all the funnier because of the fact that before, they were so terrified.
This is the point where you suggest that no thanks are necessary and that the two of you should share the ham and relive the time, a few seconds ago, where your friend thought their child had been kidnapped and you played a really rad prank.
By the way, you have to be careful that you don’t play this prank on anyone who’s culture does not allow them to eat pork products, or who are ethically opposed to eating pork: if you do, it goes from being innocent shenanigans to something that can be easily misconstrued as a viscous slur on their beliefs.