Social media

Social media is important.  Quite often you’ll be at a meeting and someone will say “blah, blah, blah social media presence” or “Blah blah, blah, stop arsing about on Facebook we are discussing pivot tables!”

If you don’t understand social media all that conversation will sound like to you is “blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah” and you’ll look like an idiot, even though you are wearing a tie or a nice dress.

But what is social media? Well, it’s similar to computers, which we discussed way back in the mists of time. But it’s not computers. Social media is on computers but it is also on your phone. Whereas computers are on desks and some people take them on the bus, computers aren’t on phones.  It is like the media, but whereas the regular media is on the telly or the newspaper or jostling politicians, social media isn’t on any of those things.  It’s on computers and phones.

I can see you are getting confused.  This is because it is confusing. Then so is knowing what to do with a hot-air balloon and we covered on this weblog. So stay focused because your weblog author is, what the trendy kids say ‘A social media kaiser’.

Learn what the things of social media are and get them.

Social media isn’t actually a thing. You can’t walk into a shop, even a flash one or a technology one, and ask for “one social media please”. You’ll get punched, or at very least sneered at derisively because you are clearly not up with the play about the fact that social media is actually a high level name for Facebook, MySpace, Bebo, Friendster, Twitter and Google +. You have to ask for those things if you want to ask for some social medias. Don’t be an idiot.

Learn the lingo.

In the spirit of the age I used the term ‘lingo’ instead of ‘language’ or ‘vernacular’.  In the twenty-first century and to a lesser extent the twentieth and the nineteenth, buzz-words are the new knowledge and language.  Social media is full of buzz-words and slang. Saying ‘social media’ itself is a bit ‘square’ – you should call it ‘social meeds’ or ‘s-meeds’ even.  There are literally trilliosn of slang terms and buzzwords in s-meeds but here are the main ones:

Twitter – ‘Twitts’, ‘T-wit’, ‘the Blue Bird of talking’, ‘140 yo’ and ‘cheep-cheep’

Facebook – ‘Facies’ (never call it ‘Facetime’ however, that is another computer thing) ‘F-Bomb’ ‘The Blue Monkey’, ‘Winklevosses Lament’ and ‘FaceMethamphatamine’

Google + – You never have to talk about Google +

LOL – is something you add to insulting statements to passive-aggressively make a person think you were joking

: ) – shows the social media viewer you are a moron or temporary incapacitated

ROFL-copter – is pretty much what it sounds like it is.

Attract acquaintances

The currency of social media is people looking at the stuff you post. The more people doing that, the more social media important you become. In order to get people to look at your social medias on the regular you need them to ‘like’, ‘follow’, ‘friend’ or ‘engorge’ you on one or more of the social media platforms.

“What’s the best way to do this?” hear you ask yourself, shielding your face from view with a manila folder?

Well, I’ll tell you.

Say inflammatory things

The best way to get attention is to say something offensive. It is best because it is far and away the easiest. Being inflammatory actually works best when there is little to no basis to what you are saying because there is no chance anyone else will come along and agree with you and make your point better than you did.

This is why you would say “Adam roots fruit” rather than “I don’t really like Adam’s reductive views on the causes of the Great Depression” – the first point is shorter, catchier and in no way in need of qualification. The latter is longer and probably needs to be explained.

Politics and Religion

Much like saying inflammatory things, making statements on social meeds about politics and religion are polarising, get people’s attention, need little to no qualification and have the added benefit, just by virtue of your venturing an opinion, of sounding clever.

“The thing about the left is they tend to take an over simplified view of the economic mechanisms behind a sophisticated modern economy”

That statement up there, sounds very clever. But get this: I MADE IT UP OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD. It took LITERALLY three seconds. It took actually longer to TYPE than to think!

“The Republicans have been sliding towards an Armageddon of polarisation since, well, for a generation”

Ditto.

Very personal shares

Sharing way too much of yourself is to social media what car/pug/Hitler pictures are to the internet at large – the ultimate milkshake that brings the sympathy boys and/or girls to the emotional yard.

At its heart social media is about you; your foot-print on the internet. No-one wants to see the self-satisfied, neatly-cobbled brogue-print of shit-togetherness: boooooring!

People want the rubbed red raw barefoot of dysfunction. The break-up, the drunken arse picture, the long diatribe about how no-one respects you at work. How hard university is. That is the stuff of social media legend!

Bragging

Social media however, is a polarised place. On the one hand, no-one wants to know how great your day at work was and how much you love your colleagues; they want to know how much smarter you are than the idiots you work with, how much your job is beneath you, and how much you ate a spider by accident. On the other hand, however, they also want to know about how much better your life is than theirs is. Self-satisfaction is a snore, but self-aggrandisement is a loud, cocaine-lobster-bisque-and-Congac-fuelled cheer.

Flash holidays, photos with celebrities, jewellery, animals you’ve shot, performance cars you don’t actually own, or bags of drugs. Talk about your sexual conquests in great and licentious detail. Always, repeat, always brag about how much you drunk and never, ever talk about being home on a Friday or inside on a day deemed sunny enough to be outside.

So, that is basically it for s-meeds. Go forth and function.

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One thought on “Social media

  1. Pingback: Self-care | Dan

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