One of the main reasons people bang violently on my door at three AM is to breathlessly ask for some mean life hacks.
This is only in part because “life hacks” is code for “ten nitrous oxide bulbs”; it is at least forty per cent because your weblog administrator is a veritable life haxxor.
In ‘normal people parlance’ a life haxxor is someone who has amazing little tricks to make the small, yet apparently important, aspects of life that much easier. Kind of like a ‘guru’ but instead of focusing on humanity’s big questions or all-encompassing philosophies, I am sagely in all that is run-of-the-mill, trite and pedestrian.
Join me, Dear Readers, for a brisk jog through a bunch of shit which saves you thirty to forty seconds and/or a minor embarrassment of sorts.
The first in this series is:
Clean the microwave
Let’s say you heat up last night’s righteous curry for your lunch in the work microwave and it explodes a bit while you are returning it to edible temperature. The curry, while still totally edible, spunks curry sauce all over the inside of the microwave and the door.
Now, the passive-aggressive sign next to the microwave says “Please leave the microwave as you found it, your mother DOESN’T work here” which you know means, in a round-a-about and cowardly way, ‘clean the microwave.’
The thing is, you can’t be arsed cleaning the microwave because life’s’ too short.
Problem is, Greta the office nerd who wrote the sign (and loads of other ones around the kitchen), is five and a half minutes away. If she sees you’ve spunked the microwave with your curry she’s probably going to make you clean it. Worse still, she will equally likely talk about how she always cleans the microwave but she “might as well do it again…sigh” and this will make you feel bad.
Hack!: Fill a glass with milk, place it in the microwave, and cook on ‘high’ for five minutes or until the milk boils and explodes. By the end of the five minutes it should have spunked all over the inside of the microwave, disguising your curry sauce and even, in some cases, dislodging chunks of it.
Then take out the glass and what remains of the milk.
When Greta comes in to heat up her organic boiled vegetables she will see the inside of the microwave is spunked with milk and really gross. She will ask you what happened, sure, but she’ll also see you are eating awesome curry and she’ll see that the mess is milk.
Off the hook! Hacked!