Category Archives: Theories

Asking about sex (part two)

In the previous weblog communique we covered that a good way to acquire sex is to mask fairly straightforward intentions beneath a creative layer of euphemism. We demonstrated three of the most common sexual metaphors to use in this euphemism: business metaphors, sports metaphors and historical/animal metaphors. (Note, other useful metaphors for sex include ‘Car/sex metaphors’, ‘Alcohol or drugs/sex metaphors’ and ‘Anti-Vaccination Movement/sex metaphors’).  The problem with euphemism is in order to engage in delicate ballet dance of suggestive meaning you probably have to be familiar with the person you are talking to.  Simply walking up to a stranger and saying “Want to come back to my musty basement and share anti-science conspiracies?” is likely to make that stranger think you are so weird that they’ll probably not bother to even attempt to decipher your lustful code. If the object of your thirstful desire is a complete stranger you are going to have to actually introduce yourself. This, however, can be a fertile garden in which to plant the seeds of licentious promise.

Be unusual

Former U.S Secretary of State Henry Kissenger once said “If you can’t be interesting or clever, be weird” and he knew a thing or two about all three of those things as the man who normalised relations between the U.S and communist China if you get my drift. Which you almost certainly don’t. The thing is, leaving a lasting impression by being slightly odd works for good looking, pleasant and interesting people as well.  Introductory conversation is such a fecund area for being slightly off the wall because by and large it is formulaic and boring.  Most introductory conversations begin with someone giving their name and inquiring of the other person’s name.  They will often then ask “what do you do?” or “why are you here?” which, while the information these questions furnish can be useful it is not exactly a memorable line of inquiry.  You may remember the answers were, respectively, ‘Nancy’, ‘new media’ and ‘I got the wrong bus’ but it is unlikely Nancy remembers vividly the questions you asked.  Instead of the boring old ‘name/job/reason’ trifecta try instead:

“What cheese do you like?”

“Have you been to France?”

“Do you prefer The Smiths or the colour green?”

“Where did you get that impressive top hat?” (This really only works as an interesting question if the person you approach and ask isn’t wearing a top hat. It is best if they aren’t wearing any hat at all: there’s a fine line between ‘interesting’ and ‘coming off as too stupid to correctly identify types of hat’)

It isn’t actually necessary to ask a question by way of introduction at all; the point is not to acquire information about the apple of your coital eye it is to make them think ‘Well, she was a bit smelly but she was certainly intriguing’.  Simply walk up to the stranger and say something slightly unusual.

“I like rugby league”

“It’s disputed how much time Hannibal spent in Asia Minor.”

“Cake is better than biscuits except for red velvet cake which is not as good as biscuits”

Now, it is important to add at this point that this approach walks a bit of a knife-edge between ‘amusingly quirky’ and either ‘out-there strange’ or ‘probably on drugs’. While people on drugs are definitely interesting and quirky, and you can add to that list the other qualities of edgy and cool, but they are usually also temporary. If she suspects you are on drugs she will likely be thinking ‘Well he’s interesting and cool and edgy now, but what if the ketamine wears off and he asks me something lame like what my job is?’ and you don’t want that.

You also don’t want to go so far as to attempt to wear anything to appear interesting. The cold, hard, aroused fact of the matter is people don’t actually like people who wear ‘unusual clothes’ or ‘have signature facial hair’.  The guy who wears golf shoes and a Kaiser Wilhelm mustache to the party usually goes home from said party alone. No matter how wacky they are, clothes all look the same when they are crumpled on the floor next to the bed, car or lavatory.

END OF PART TWO

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How many times have you heard someone say “I’d rather die than give a speech” or “If you don’t MC my wedding I will kill you”? I know I have heard these, and variations of these comments many, many times.  Somewhere along the line ‘public speaking’ and ‘death’ become intrinsically linked.  It is almost common belief that there is a certain level of ‘being embarrassed’ where you will actually kick the bucket and that this can be triggered by having to make a wedding toast.

Of course, despite people’s morbid fear of standing up and prattling off a few anecdotes it is an exaggeration – like saying you ‘love’ your car, you’re a caffeine ‘addict’ or that you ‘literally want to shag’ your internet service provider – strip away the hyperbole and you’ll realise the link between speech-making and shuffling off of this mortal coil is a grossly inflated untruth.

Sure, some people have died as a result of making speeches – notably, U.S President William Henry Harrison died a month after taking office as a result of making an inauguration speech so meandering and verbose he caught pneumonia in the process. The thing was though, Harrison actually enjoyed making speeches. He wasn’t the vaguest bit embarrassed at all. He liked making speeches so much he forgot to wear a coat. So really the only evidence there is that making a speech will kill you is if you enjoy doing it so much you forget to dress yourself.

President William Henry Harrison: So long-winded he died of pneumonia

President William Henry Harrison: So long-winded he died of pneumonia

Not only will you not actually leave the mortal realm simply because you feel a bit shamed, making speeches is really, really easy; you just need one or two ‘templates’ up your sleeve and you’ll be ‘Pulling a Harrison’ (Making speeches, not dying of pneumonia) without ‘totally Harrisoning out’ (dying, not making speeches).

Tell a Risqué Story

When you were at high school, the most interesting people were always the people who had ripping tales about getting ripped in the weekend or had ribald tales of sexual conquest.  In this, like in most areas of life; nothing has changed since high school. The Falstaffian Sex conquistadors of our society are always the most interesting because of the tales that they tell.

One of the advantages to telling a risqué story in a speech is, due to societal mores, you are supposed to use euphemism and implication to indicate risqué behaviour, rather than being direct.  For instance, the crowd at a wedding would be aghast if you, as a bridesmaid charged with making a toast said:

“Tabitha is getting married today. Last week at the Hen’s Night Tabitha got drunk and had sexual intercourse a stripper in a manner so vigorous that she broke the end of his penis”

Even though this is a literal and dispassionate list of events, it would still be inappropriate.

However, if you were to say:

“I don’t think any of us have had a drink since the Hen’s Night last week. Put it this way, there were a few sore heads the next day…”

You imply a degree of licentiousness without being literal and everyone would have a good old laugh.  This works as a euphemism, but it could also be used to imbue a relatively tame evening with innuendo.  You could simply be referring to Tabitha buying one too many craft beers and waking up with a mild hangover.

Litter with Cliches

Everyone thinks they know what “You’re only young once and at the end of the day you can’t put the shit back in the donkey” means, but this is because it is simply a list of idioms they have heard many, many times before.  It might not mean anything at all, or it may be a pleasant way of justifying something extremely horrific. Regardless, you will get a laugh if you say it in a blokey voice and it’s the sort of funeral where the surviving family members say “He would have wanted a party and not a sad sort of funeral”.

Steal jokes

One of the reasons that stand-up comedians are among the highest paid individuals in our society is because of their in-demand skill of being able to turn even the most mundane speaking engagement into something akin to a riotously funny episode of The Big Bang Theory.

However there is a good chance that you and your friends aren’t comedians.  The way you can tell is, when you go to comedy shows, you don’t have a microphone.  Even if you make loud jokes during the show, that are objectively funny, its still a case of ‘no microphone, no comedian’.  The best you can do is to nick bits of a comedy routine and make them your own.

This is why Brides are so often accidentally referred to as ‘Louis C.K’ during well-lubricated wedding receptions.

Self-aggrandisement

It is one thing to make a speech well, it is another to make it passably funny but it is another thing still to make it advantageous.  Making people think sex thoughts won’t pay the bills and no-one gets paid for making jokes unless they are a licensed and city-bonded comedian.  The way to get ahead is to self-promote.

This is not as easy as simply standing up and saying “Hey guys, you know who is great: me!”. This only works on Twitter.  No, the key to self-aggrandisement is to be more subtle than that.  Rather than talk about yourself directly, look for an opportunity to insert yourself and your real or imagined achievements into someone else’s event.

I use the example of a farewell morning tea in the office to illustrate my point.  The boss asks if “anyone has anything else they want to say” and you could say:

“Gandalf has been a credit to the team and, even though we all thought he was a bit of a bell-end when he changed his name, he’s a solid team player (cliche) and we’ll miss him…. *pause for applause* “…and here’s hoping his old mum doesn’t kick him out  the house (familiarity, light humour). *pause for laughs*

Perfectly servicable speech, sure. Doesn’t really say much about you though does it? No.

Let’s try it again, this time with a bit more of a go-getter attitude

“I am reminded of a nickname that I heard The G-man and I used to have when we first started here ‘Ten Percent Above Target Twins’. It was a while ago, I  don’t know how many of you will remember that but it was definitely a thing people said. Anyway, we used to have a laugh. G-Muzza with his references to the live action role-playing he did, me with my consistently high work rate and few sick days. We were quite a team.” *pause for awe*

In that speech you subtly reference your high performance and good record of bothering to show up, while also vaguely dehumanising the supposed subject of the speech by giving him a silly nickname then forgetting it, and giving him another one.  That’s how you get ahead in this world if you’re not a comedian.

Don’t forget to bring a coat.

 

Self-care

There are some terms that you simply cannot help but chuckle when you hear them. Innocent terms like ‘pulled pork’, or common phrases like ‘polishing the Kaiser’s helmet’ contain sublimated double entendres which the brain cannot ignore.  Such is the case with the term ‘self-care’. In fact the first few times I heard the term, I thought the person saying it was literally referring to the onanistic arts without even the smokescreen of a euphemism.  Of course, self-care is only partly about rubbing one off, and or out.

In order to understand the full girth of what self-care is, we must first take a look at where it came from.  Millennials, defined by science as the generation born after drugs became harmful and before computers became cool, are the tallest generation in history.  With all this height comes a lot of stress.  Millennials are thus, not only the tallest generation they are also the most anxious.

Unlike their parents, millennials are raised to see their towering stature as a ‘privilege’ which is why you don’t ever hear millennials complain. So, where as their parents’ generation might have used complaining, alongside ‘buying rental properties’ and ‘The Beatles’ as an outlet to relieve stress, Millennials prefer other outlets.

These outlets might include ‘making short and pointless ‘Vines”, ‘growing a beard’, or ‘talking about being a vegan’.  Stress relief might also might involve doing little things for one’s self that makes one’s day a little bit brighter and thus releases a little of that pent up tension.

Drinking and taking drugs

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Beer.

The most common form of self-care is still ‘getting wasted by yourself.’  Alcohol is probably the most convenient and accessible way to do this, but pretty much any intoxicating substance will do.  As long as said intoxicant moves you from the state of ‘being anxious and/or stressed’ to the state of ‘closing off, or befuddling, the parts of the brain which generate these responses to the point where the brain no longer remembers to be anxious and/or stressed’ it will enable you to do self-care.

I like to incorporate drinking into other activities to enhance the self-care capabilities of alcohol, so I sit in the dark sending cryptic text messages to people.   The sensory deprivation of the darkness, the intoxicating effects of the alcohol, and the delicate mental gymnastics of coming up with bizarre non sequiturs to text to people is like a massage for the soul.

Now, I know what you’re saying “But doesn’t this encourage dangerous behaviour?”

To this I answer: “yes”

I also hear you saying, this time in a silly high-pitched whinny: “But I get high on life”.  Well my answer to this is “No you don’t; that’s not a thing.”

So go ahead and sooth your soul and expand your mind. Expand it so widely that it expands all the way out your mouth and all over the table in KFC.

Irritating people

They say that a trouble shared is a trouble halved. Well, the same Dearest Reader, applies to anxiety and irritation.  What you’ll find is, if you are feeling a bit annoyed yourself, annoying someone will make you feel a bit better and annoying everyone will make you feel great.

Irritating people is actually very easy.  This is because most people have very thin-skins and are basically powder-kegs of explosive rage. This of course, makes it all the more fun.  The best kind of ‘irritating people’ is the sort where it isn’t instantly obvious that it is intentional.  This way, people can’t rage at you and must simply turn the rage in on themselves, seething until they develop an ulcer.  This is the best outcome because no-one punches you.

Try ‘whistling tunelessly’ – whistling is basically the most casually irritating thing you can do without props.

Try ‘making clicking sounds with your tongue on the bus’

If you live in a flat with somewhat priggish house-mates, try ‘going to the toilet with the door open’.

You could even try ‘replying to everything someone says with “really?” but in a funny voice so the person you are speaking to can’t quite work out if you’re mocking them or not’.

Twitter

We’ve already talked about masturbation, but there is actually more than one way to ‘grease the family pig’. Obviously, sexually gratifying oneself manually is a good time and all, but what about the Choking the Chicken…of the mind?

We have discussed Twitter, or ‘cheep-cheep’ as it is often known, in a previous weblog bulletin but not in depth and we didn’t discuss strategies for using it.

Rather than using Twitter to read about important things babyboomers are doing, or keeping abreast of the latest pop music, Millennials seldom look at the ‘timeline’ area of Twitter at all; instead they simply stare at their own profiles while posting things as they come to mind.    This release acts as a type of self-care in both the double and single entendre senses of the term.  These are the three main ways to use Twitter for self care:

Non-specifically Positive Tweets referring to real, imagined or anticipated but equally non-specific achievements. Such as finding a sex partner or swimming with dolphins

Non-specifically Positive Tweets referring to real, imagined or anticipated but equally non-specific achievements. Such as finding a sex partner or swimming with dolphins

Equally non-specific vague and cryptic Tweets designed to hint at menace but not really . Designed to make real or imagined enemies or people who corrected your grammar ask "was it something *I* did?"

Equally non-specific vague and cryptic Tweets designed to hint at menace but not really . Designed to make real or imagined enemies or people who corrected your grammar ask “was it something *I* did?”

Tweets telling everyone still up that you are going to quit Twitter. You have better things to do. Etc. And you'll really do it this time.

Tweets telling everyone still up that you are going to quit Twitter. You have better things to do. Etc. And you’ll really do it this time.

Go to the gym

It’s 4AM, everything is shut, but there’s a vending machine at the gym.  They have those weird biscuits you like. Well, you don’t like them per se, but you will eat them.

 

How to raise your baby

George Clinton once said “it takes a village to raise a child”.  In many ways the outlandishly shod funk pioneer who revolutionised dance music was right.  A child needs the experiences and wisdom of many influences. Whereas many cooks might spoil broth, a child is not a broth.  Many cooks, cook a child to perfection.

The village of today though, isn’t one of mud huts and wooden fortifications like it was in 1970s America; today’s village is the global village. The teachers of today are thus, the heaving swathes of the internet.  Today, dear readers, the best people to help your raise your child, using helpful tips, advice, and frequent reprimands, are randoms on the internet.

While the opinions of anyone who cares enough to offer them are valuable and should be cherished, the opinion of an objective figure is like a diamond. No one is more objective than a childless man because he can offer the sort of balanced, disinterested and level-headed analysis only possible by being above the fray with his nose in the air. Like a Napoleonic Napoleonic generalgeneral.  Your weblog bulletin comptroller is one such childless Napoleonic general.  I am, thus, an expert on how you should raise your children.  Sit carefully down and listen to me order the firing of some truth cannons and may you be shredded by the grapeshot of my insight about what to do with your child when it is a baby. Babies are, after-all, the most original of all the types of children.

Feed them normal adult food

There will be plenty of time for your baby to eat tasteless pureed paste when it’s dumped in a low-cost elder-care facility as a geriatric. Babies need to be socialised into normal people society quickly, lest they become weirdos who live with you well into their forties because they ‘need to get their head together’. A big part of this is with food.  Instead of weird translucent apple goo, give junior a T-bone steak. Maybe not blue to start with; start her off with medium.  She’ll be able to gum most of the nutrients out of it over five or six hours but the blood dribbling off her smile will tell you all you need to know about how much she loves it.

Never take your baby to the doctor

Millennials aren’t allergic to everything because allergies are considered trill in Pitchfork magazine, millennials are allergic to everything because they were not exposed to illness at baby level.  Taking your baby to the doctor when it is sick only prolongs the time they are not strong enough to defeat the illness with their own strength of character and will.

Jeans

Babies dressed as adults isn’t just a cute affectation favoured by shut-ins who buy calendars; there’s a real developmental reason to dress your baby in a new pair of skinny jeans – their rigidity.  One of most babies’ major failings is they can’t stand up and thus they can’t walk or go out to dance parties.  Rigid denim squeezed over underdeveloped muscles act as a sort of ‘standing aid’. With a bit of balance and rigid legs, baby is standing up and it is incentivised to walk, to run and to create their future.

Do adult things

Babies learn and thrive by imitation.  What you do and say will have an immeasurable impact on how the baby will behave.  Playing nursery rhymes and singing saccharine ditties about fairies and wizards will turn your child into a progressive rock fan with a beard who thinks wizards and fairies are real.

If you are watching a violent film about real life while smoking a lovely cigarette, while it would be problematic to give the baby cigarettes, let the baby watch.  Instead of Humpty Dumpty, read baby Glamorama, which definitely actually happened. It is all part of the rich tapestry of real life that your baby will need to find its place in sooner or later.

Babies are basically people, with hopes,and dreams, and ambitions. It would be literally an abuse of property rights to stomp on your baby’s freedom by not allowing the baby to realise these dreams, or if fate is so inclined, to taste the over-salted broth of failure in trying.

How to score

It seems these days that the ‘number three industry’, after making mobile phone apps and coal, is offering dating advice.  The problem with most of this advice is it is almost entirely low-level pop-psychology and really obvious body language tips.

The thing is, if you’d been paying attention in high school instead of doing maths problems and hiding from the Captain of the First XI, you should have picked these up for yourself. However, this is not to say that all of us don’t need a little romantic pick-me-up from time to time.

Finding oneself in the ‘Chum-zone’ with a lad or lass you want to have sex with is quite annoying, especially when you consider that you have no real problems in your life.

Not being able to move your relationship from the ‘Can I borrow the boxed set of the West Wing’ phase to the ‘Lets watch the West Wing together and do the voices’ phase can be a tough nut to crack.  Like a walnut.  A walnut of sexual tension and awkwardness.

The problem with most ‘How to date a person’ advice is it all relies on the assumption that the person you are trying to mate/date is dimmer than you are, and thus are unable to tell that you are trying to psychology them.  This is a strange assumption to make given that you are paying for advice in how to act around another human.

The long, hard fact is that most people who haven’t yet slept with you are probably smarter than you are which is how they have avoided sleeping with you up until now.  Most ‘dating advice tips’ also tend to make the assumption that you are a man, which many people are not.

Never fear though, your weblog comptroller is also a Level Seven Love Wizard with a power-up Orb of ‘Getting it On’ and he’s here to show you how to make that ‘Crush’ into a ‘Brush(ing of genitals)’. What’s more you don’t have to a man, or even male, to participate.

Power of suggestion

When people hear a word, they quite often do what that word is.  For instance, if you hear the word “car” in a sentence you will probably buy a car.  This is why car salesmen quite often say the word “car” or “automobile” when they are doing a sales pitch. You don’t hear that many of them saying “Taylor Swift” or “Jelly” in a sales pitch, unless it is to say “Taylor would be so jelly of you buying this Suzuki Swift car.”

The problem though, is just saying the word can be a bit too subtle. If you only have a few minutes in which to make the suggestion of a conjugal interlude, you may have to be a bit more direct. The key is to simply shout the suggestive term, loudly and pretty much at random, in the middle of a normal and unrelated conversation.

An example may help:

You: “It is a nice day we are having here waiting SEX!!  for the van to take us on the  ROOTING!! medieval festival.”

Now the object of your desire may be a little confused and maybe even question you on this:

Magenta (a person you like) : “Sorry, what did you say? What was all that weird shouting?”

But now the seeds of suggestion are planted in Magenta’s brain and they will fertilise slowly from here on in.  It is actually best now for you to deny you even shouted anything at all, and look at Magenta as if she’s a bit odd:

You: “What weird shouting? KISSING!! You are probably mistaken because of taking bath salts or something.”

Create mystery and create demand

Have you ever stared out the window watching the storm clouds roll in over the bay and wondered how Phil Collins could marry not one but several women? I know I have.

I mean he writes whiny songs about his exes so the next wife must know the same thing will happen to her, right? Well, I did used to wonder this quite a bit.

I say did because now I know why people kept marrying Phil Collins. He was a man of mystery and he created demand for the ‘Phil Collins brand’.

He pretty much pioneered the stark electronic drum-kit sound synonymous with so much of how we remember the eighties; he thus created demand. Not only was he in demand, but you never knew when a new Phil Collins record would come out, or quite often where he was quite a lot of the time.

Maybe a record every several years, and maybe he’s in the kitchen.

Maybe not one for ten years and maybe he’s on the roof.

Mystery.

You need to be like Phil Collins. I mean, not entirely, but in this very specific way.

Create a sense of mystery around what you are doing.  When your ‘coital mark’ asks where you are going, allude to somewhere very strange, but be vague enough not to have to actually lie.  Make out you have other people who want to be in your company, especially other potential suitors.

Let me illustrate point with an example:

Gwylim (a person you are keen on): “I am thinking of going to that anti-water fluoridation rally later on, are you going to go to that?”

You: “Maaaaaaybe…” Now you look at your watch… You: “Is that the time, I have to go and sort that, well, you know, things to do people to see…and maybe…kiss.”

Leave it hanging on kiss.

Gwylim: “Oh yeah, what are you up to?”

Now you just burst into a maniacal cackle and walk off briskly muttering safe in the knowledge you have created both mystery as to what you are doing and an allusion to other people who demand your time. Your sexy time.

Disrupt social patterns

The thing about the attractive and the desirable of our species, and indeed most species, is they have a lot of social engagements with a lot of people.

You may be chums with the ‘the one you thirst for’ and you may well hang out frequently and do the normal day-to-day social things with them but you can bet your last whisky dollar that this person does a lot of the same things with a lot of people. Many of those people will be funnier and smarter and less of a dick than you.

You can’t, or up to this point won’t, make yourself funnier, smarter or less of a dick so you need a Plan B. If you can’t make the company (you) stand out, make the event stand out.

Instead of going to the movies, suggest playing lawn-bowls in a car-park. Instead of going to a cafe or bar, suggest drinking beers in a car-park. Instead of going to a goose farm, suggest stealing road cones and arranging them in a car-park.

Soon the ‘apple of your eye’ will associate you with doing exciting and interesting things, and they may take a second look at you, over-look your many shortcomings and consider moving things to the next level.

Peacocking 

As well as disrupting your routine, at some point you need to disrupt everyone’s perceptions of you. A way to do this is what is often referred to as ‘peacocking.’

Invite that ‘hot thang’ out to a fun car-park drinking session but tell him to meet you there much earlier than you intend to show up.

As well as creating mystery, you will also be buying yourself some time to break into his house and release a peacock into his bedroom.  A peacock is best because it correlates with the title of this section but any big, easily spooked, and destructive bird will do. Maybe a goose from one of those trips to the goose farm you used to do.

Then you show up at the car-park. He’ll be wondering where you’ve been but he’ll be impressed at how little regard you have for his time. Do your platonic but slightly quirky social thing and then he goes home.

What happens next is a sure fire winner and best illustrated by an example:

Your phone buzzes hotly in your pocket. You see it is Terrance, the one you burn for. Answer it.

Terrance: “Fuck, there’s a massive fucking peacock in my bedroom and its slashed up my duvet, and its shat everywhere!”

You smile knowingly. Don’t worry, he can’t see you; you’re on the phone.

Terrance: “I’m not going back in there, its fucking crazy. Can I ask you a favour, can I stay at yours tonight…”

dot dot dot indeed.

Life Hacks: Clean the Microwave

One of the main reasons people bang violently on my door at three AM is to breathlessly ask for some mean life hacks.

This is only in part because “life hacks” is code for “ten nitrous oxide bulbs”; it is at least forty per cent because your weblog administrator is a veritable life haxxor.

In ‘normal people parlance’ a life haxxor is someone who has amazing little tricks to make the small, yet apparently important, aspects of life that much easier.  Kind of like a ‘guru’ but instead of focusing on humanity’s big questions or all-encompassing philosophies, I am sagely in all that is run-of-the-mill, trite and pedestrian.

Join me, Dear Readers, for a brisk jog through a bunch of shit which saves you thirty to forty seconds and/or a minor embarrassment of sorts.

The first in this series is:

Clean the microwave

Let’s say you heat up last night’s righteous curry for your lunch in the work microwave and it explodes a bit while you are returning it to edible temperature.  The curry, while still totally edible, spunks curry sauce all over the inside of the microwave and the door.

Now, the passive-aggressive sign next to the microwave says “Please leave the microwave as you found it, your mother DOESN’T work here” which you know means, in a round-a-about and cowardly way, ‘clean the microwave.’

The thing is, you can’t be arsed cleaning the microwave because life’s’ too short.

Problem is, Greta the office nerd who wrote the sign (and loads of other ones around the kitchen), is five and a half minutes away. If she sees you’ve spunked the microwave with your curry she’s probably going to make you clean it. Worse still, she will equally likely talk about how she always cleans the microwave but she “might as well do it again…sigh” and this will make you feel bad.

Hack!: Fill a glass with milk, place it in the microwave, and cook on ‘high’ for five minutes or until the milk boils and explodes. By the end of the five minutes it should have spunked all over the inside of the microwave, disguising your curry sauce and even, in some cases, dislodging chunks of it.

Then take out the glass and what remains of the milk.

When Greta comes in to heat up her organic boiled vegetables she will see the inside of the microwave is spunked with milk and really gross. She will ask you what happened, sure, but she’ll also see you are eating awesome curry and she’ll see that the mess is milk.

Off the hook! Hacked!

Social media

Social media is important.  Quite often you’ll be at a meeting and someone will say “blah, blah, blah social media presence” or “Blah blah, blah, stop arsing about on Facebook we are discussing pivot tables!”

If you don’t understand social media all that conversation will sound like to you is “blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah” and you’ll look like an idiot, even though you are wearing a tie or a nice dress.

But what is social media? Well, it’s similar to computers, which we discussed way back in the mists of time. But it’s not computers. Social media is on computers but it is also on your phone. Whereas computers are on desks and some people take them on the bus, computers aren’t on phones.  It is like the media, but whereas the regular media is on the telly or the newspaper or jostling politicians, social media isn’t on any of those things.  It’s on computers and phones.

I can see you are getting confused.  This is because it is confusing. Then so is knowing what to do with a hot-air balloon and we covered on this weblog. So stay focused because your weblog author is, what the trendy kids say ‘A social media kaiser’.

Learn what the things of social media are and get them.

Social media isn’t actually a thing. You can’t walk into a shop, even a flash one or a technology one, and ask for “one social media please”. You’ll get punched, or at very least sneered at derisively because you are clearly not up with the play about the fact that social media is actually a high level name for Facebook, MySpace, Bebo, Friendster, Twitter and Google +. You have to ask for those things if you want to ask for some social medias. Don’t be an idiot.

Learn the lingo.

In the spirit of the age I used the term ‘lingo’ instead of ‘language’ or ‘vernacular’.  In the twenty-first century and to a lesser extent the twentieth and the nineteenth, buzz-words are the new knowledge and language.  Social media is full of buzz-words and slang. Saying ‘social media’ itself is a bit ‘square’ – you should call it ‘social meeds’ or ‘s-meeds’ even.  There are literally trilliosn of slang terms and buzzwords in s-meeds but here are the main ones:

Twitter – ‘Twitts’, ‘T-wit’, ‘the Blue Bird of talking’, ‘140 yo’ and ‘cheep-cheep’

Facebook – ‘Facies’ (never call it ‘Facetime’ however, that is another computer thing) ‘F-Bomb’ ‘The Blue Monkey’, ‘Winklevosses Lament’ and ‘FaceMethamphatamine’

Google + – You never have to talk about Google +

LOL – is something you add to insulting statements to passive-aggressively make a person think you were joking

: ) – shows the social media viewer you are a moron or temporary incapacitated

ROFL-copter – is pretty much what it sounds like it is.

Attract acquaintances

The currency of social media is people looking at the stuff you post. The more people doing that, the more social media important you become. In order to get people to look at your social medias on the regular you need them to ‘like’, ‘follow’, ‘friend’ or ‘engorge’ you on one or more of the social media platforms.

“What’s the best way to do this?” hear you ask yourself, shielding your face from view with a manila folder?

Well, I’ll tell you.

Say inflammatory things

The best way to get attention is to say something offensive. It is best because it is far and away the easiest. Being inflammatory actually works best when there is little to no basis to what you are saying because there is no chance anyone else will come along and agree with you and make your point better than you did.

This is why you would say “Adam roots fruit” rather than “I don’t really like Adam’s reductive views on the causes of the Great Depression” – the first point is shorter, catchier and in no way in need of qualification. The latter is longer and probably needs to be explained.

Politics and Religion

Much like saying inflammatory things, making statements on social meeds about politics and religion are polarising, get people’s attention, need little to no qualification and have the added benefit, just by virtue of your venturing an opinion, of sounding clever.

“The thing about the left is they tend to take an over simplified view of the economic mechanisms behind a sophisticated modern economy”

That statement up there, sounds very clever. But get this: I MADE IT UP OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD. It took LITERALLY three seconds. It took actually longer to TYPE than to think!

“The Republicans have been sliding towards an Armageddon of polarisation since, well, for a generation”

Ditto.

Very personal shares

Sharing way too much of yourself is to social media what car/pug/Hitler pictures are to the internet at large – the ultimate milkshake that brings the sympathy boys and/or girls to the emotional yard.

At its heart social media is about you; your foot-print on the internet. No-one wants to see the self-satisfied, neatly-cobbled brogue-print of shit-togetherness: boooooring!

People want the rubbed red raw barefoot of dysfunction. The break-up, the drunken arse picture, the long diatribe about how no-one respects you at work. How hard university is. That is the stuff of social media legend!

Bragging

Social media however, is a polarised place. On the one hand, no-one wants to know how great your day at work was and how much you love your colleagues; they want to know how much smarter you are than the idiots you work with, how much your job is beneath you, and how much you ate a spider by accident. On the other hand, however, they also want to know about how much better your life is than theirs is. Self-satisfaction is a snore, but self-aggrandisement is a loud, cocaine-lobster-bisque-and-Congac-fuelled cheer.

Flash holidays, photos with celebrities, jewellery, animals you’ve shot, performance cars you don’t actually own, or bags of drugs. Talk about your sexual conquests in great and licentious detail. Always, repeat, always brag about how much you drunk and never, ever talk about being home on a Friday or inside on a day deemed sunny enough to be outside.

So, that is basically it for s-meeds. Go forth and function.