There are a number of reasons why you might talk to another person. You could need a refrigerator but, unwilling to pay full price for a new refrigerator, you wish to purchase one second hand off of someone wishing to sell their refrigerator and thus need to negotiate the sale. You might be religious or political and wish to make another person as religious or political as you are by talking to them. You may be drunk or you may just wish to establish friendly relations with another person. While the need for refrigeration, religion, politics, drunkenness and friendliness are all pretty common none are so central to our survival a a species as sexual reproduction. Far and away the most common reason to talk to someone is to establish some chance of bedding, bathrooming or traffic-islanding them for the purposes of sex.
One of the problems with advanced human societies such as ours is we have moved past the point where we can simply walk up to someone you wish to make action with and say “Do you want to have sex with me?” even if you know them from work or the bus, and even if they are actually keen on the idea, it is likely they will find the approach pretty rude.
I often opine loudly at parties upon the human condition which has enabled us to make keeping out milk cold easier, but negotiating the fruits of lust more difficult. One of the reasons I am no longer invited to parties is it is difficult to make out what I am yelling about but what I mean is that, rather than simply seeking consent and going about our merry ways, we insist on tying the whole activity up in idle chitter-chatter and small-talk.
Many people find this the hardest part of the whole sex process – they are good, or at least passable, at the mechanical stuff but totally rubbish at remembering five minutes of sports trivia to rattle out to new people they meet. Not only this, but before they can even launch into the sports trivia they have to go through the daunting process of introducing themselves cold to a complete stranger. It is a wonder the species continues at all.
Like anything though, introducing yourself for the purposes of negotiating a sexual liaison isn’t impossible. In fact, like anything there is between three and five ways of doing it which can make the formerly daunting task of saying your name and not falling over as easy as simply falling over.
I did mention earlier that it is unlikely if you walk up to someone and ask “Wanna root?” it is likely to be seen as rude or offensive. This is largely because people tend to read the lack of effort you put into disguising your intentions beneath at least a passably creative layer of subterfuge as lazy. If someone is lazy in attaining sexual gratification, something it is likely they enjoy very much, they are likely to be even lazier at earning enough money for a cab-fare home’ or ‘remembering where they live’- things usually seen as mundane necessities. However, a certain amount of directness can be useful; you don’t want the person you wish to bump uglies with thinking you are trying to buy their refrigerator because you are unclear. Metaphor and euphemism are your friend, but don’t go overboard:
Person of Average Looks at a party: “How you like to adjourn this meeting and go back to my boardroom for a mutually beneficial deal?”
Now Person of Average Looks here used an obvious business-themed euphemism cover but it was clear that they meant “Why don’t we have sex?”. However, it was still slightly confusing. For a start, Person wasn’t actually clear where they wanted to have sex if they didn’t mean a boardroom. There was also no reason to believe that they didn’t literally mean a boardroom. Boardrooms, unlike castles or unicorn stables, are quite common. Person of average looks should have been a bit clearer, like our next person ‘Woman with Hat’ at work drinks:
Woman with Hat: “This innings is about over, want to come back to the locker-room for a rub-down? I am pretty sure I can apply painkillers and muscle-relaxants to your very badly damaged and probably career limiting shoulder injury.”
Woman with Hat used a sport euphemism scenario which was strange enough to be clearly a euphemism. By not being clear and potentially mixing up sporting codes she also made it clear that she was not talking about actual sports. However, the introduction went on too long and it generally not a good idea to remind your potential suitor of the potential for shoulder injuries during sex. Shoulder injuries are a good reason not to have sex with someone as they are painful and very common between conjugal partners who are not experienced in the bedroom-arts. Ditto point ‘career limiting’.
Goeff from Sales has the right idea, using a non-specific historical euphemism but tying it back to the here-and-now, sex negotiation
“I was watching an interesting documentary about the use of elephants and war. I’ll tell you what else has a long trunk. Me. And by trunk I mean penis. And much like the half-way point of Hannibal’s long march of conquest through Asia Minor, its getting hard.”
By introducing the subject, elephants and war, Geoff was able to control the narrative of the conversation to drop in a humourous reference to his penis being like an elephant trunk, and in the process hinting at its size. from this he was able to segway nicely into a slightly-ribald reference to Johnson’s impending engorgement and then back to the conversation about elephants and war. Nicely done Geoff from Sales, you’ll be writing ‘had sex’ as a Facebook status update by three-am tomorrow!
END OF PART ONE