Life Hacks: Clean the Microwave

One of the main reasons people bang violently on my door at three AM is to breathlessly ask for some mean life hacks.

This is only in part because “life hacks” is code for “ten nitrous oxide bulbs”; it is at least forty per cent because your weblog administrator is a veritable life haxxor.

In ‘normal people parlance’ a life haxxor is someone who has amazing little tricks to make the small, yet apparently important, aspects of life that much easier.  Kind of like a ‘guru’ but instead of focusing on humanity’s big questions or all-encompassing philosophies, I am sagely in all that is run-of-the-mill, trite and pedestrian.

Join me, Dear Readers, for a brisk jog through a bunch of shit which saves you thirty to forty seconds and/or a minor embarrassment of sorts.

The first in this series is:

Clean the microwave

Let’s say you heat up last night’s righteous curry for your lunch in the work microwave and it explodes a bit while you are returning it to edible temperature.  The curry, while still totally edible, spunks curry sauce all over the inside of the microwave and the door.

Now, the passive-aggressive sign next to the microwave says “Please leave the microwave as you found it, your mother DOESN’T work here” which you know means, in a round-a-about and cowardly way, ‘clean the microwave.’

The thing is, you can’t be arsed cleaning the microwave because life’s’ too short.

Problem is, Greta the office nerd who wrote the sign (and loads of other ones around the kitchen), is five and a half minutes away. If she sees you’ve spunked the microwave with your curry she’s probably going to make you clean it. Worse still, she will equally likely talk about how she always cleans the microwave but she “might as well do it again…sigh” and this will make you feel bad.

Hack!: Fill a glass with milk, place it in the microwave, and cook on ‘high’ for five minutes or until the milk boils and explodes. By the end of the five minutes it should have spunked all over the inside of the microwave, disguising your curry sauce and even, in some cases, dislodging chunks of it.

Then take out the glass and what remains of the milk.

When Greta comes in to heat up her organic boiled vegetables she will see the inside of the microwave is spunked with milk and really gross. She will ask you what happened, sure, but she’ll also see you are eating awesome curry and she’ll see that the mess is milk.

Off the hook! Hacked!

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How to Cook Patriotic Cheese Toasties

Patriotism can be seen as a dirty word these days.  How often do you hear someone yell angrily across the office “Don’t PATRONISE me!” before heaving a sandwich at them? Hundreds of times, that is how many – too many times to keep an accurate count that is for sure.

The thing is though, patriotism has its place.  Even the most bearded of us can’t help wincing with national pride as our national sports team beats another, stupider, country . Even people who eat kale expel fluid when a war is declared, even if it is at the thought of all that stirring poetry which will doubtless be written. Despite my sagely countenance I confess to being unsure if a fart was something stronger when New Zealand won the Rugby World Cup.

Patriotism stirs something deep inside all of us and sometimes the reaction is involuntary.

Patriotism is like dubstep. Sometimes it is annoying and repetitive and it hints at something darker. Sometimes however, it is all-enveloping and stirs something deep inside all of us.

Very few of us will ever play sport to a national level or fight in a war, but there are things we can do to show off our national pride. Some of those things are tasty.

In this weblog bulletin your Master of Ceremonies will be making a dish that is healthy, tasty and fun.

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Cold pork slice.

First get some cold pork slices out of the fridge form the pork slices you cooked the previous evening.  Preferably use the ones that will lie flat and aren’t all gnarled and lumpy.

This will be the base of your toastie. Now, I hear some of you tittering out there in computer land and as I focus my hearing, I can make out the general whisper of “where’s the bread?” so I’ll address that up front: these are healthy toasties. Bread, because it is full of carbohydrates, preservatives, and is quite often covered in mould, is not good for you.  Pork, because it is natural, is. So shut your tittering, titterers.

Cheese.

Cheese.

Next you go next door and borrow some cheese. The best way to do this is not to mention that you want to borrow cheese at all but rather to knock on your neighbours door and when they answer it say “Hey, I need to check your fridge for…” then mumble something, pushing past them into their house and into the kitchen.  Once in the kitchen, open the fridge, look inside it, and then say “Phew, that’s all right then” but as you do this, nab their block of cheese and stuff it up under your sweater-vest, then exit the house muttering things like “You can’t be too careful…” and “ebola…”. Now I know what you titterers are thinking, but its not stealing. You are going to use maybe half of it and then chuck the block of cheese back through the cat-door. It’s a win-win. So shut up.

Aotearoa, New Zealand, the Land of the Long White Cloud, Peter Jacksonopia.

Aotearoa, New Zealand, the Land of the Long White Cloud, Peter Jacksonopia.

The cheese is crucial to the next part of the operation as well as taste.  The cheese is the medium in which you sculpt your patriotic art.  Neatly cut the cheese (okay, yes, we get it, very funny, but you do realise no-one in this part of the world uses the term ‘cut the cheese’ to refer to trumping don’t you…). Maybe cut it in the shape of your flag (maybe not if you are Libyan or Japanese – people won’t really get it), the shape of your national bird, a shape depicting a scene for your nation’s greatest battle or Reality TV show. In my case I chose the map of New Zealand; its distinctive beautiful isles rendered perfectly in cheese, as you can see to the right. Brings a tear to my eye.

You can even mix and match, or if your friends don’t all belong to the same national grouping, do a bunch of them for different countries.

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Under the grill

Now, because you forgot to do this before you started sculpting your nationalistic masterpieces, light the grill. While you are waiting for it to heat up, you could pass the time by drunkenly singing a rousing rendition of your country’s national anthem. In our case, Lorde’s ‘Royals’.

Once the grill has fired to the requisite heat intensity place your patriotic toastie under it and cook until the cheese is golden brown and starting to bubble like a Rotorua mud-pool (for our international readers, the Rotorua mud-pools are some hot mud that tourists like).

You might choose to open a bottle of your country’s cheapest wine at this point. Tosh that it’s seven in the morning: this is an occasion of national import!

20141027-100443.jpgOnce the toastie has been grilled now is the time to get creative again: toppings. Now, obviously I’m not going to tell you how to live your life but I will suggest, in keeping with the patriotic theme, you should use toppings and garnishings that are associated with your countryfolk.  I chose ‘tomato sauce’ (yes, ‘ketchup’) for mine because tomatos are New Zealand’s main export.

If you are Japanese you may wish to top it with wasabi (actually, that would be pretty ruddy bad-ass), if you are German, sausage. If you are American, you may wish to put bits of your last iPhone around the toastie as a garnish to represent the shifting focus on the US economy from hard manufacturing to technology.

20141027-100408.jpgDon’t be stingy. I added a second topping, mustard, to signify New Zealand’s second biggest export, mustard.

Now, a few of you may be wondering “All this is tasty and healthy but isn’t it a bit, y’know…” and when I prompt you to elaborate you may wonder “…racist?”

The short answer to that is no. The long answer is ‘no’ and I storm off without explaining.

If I were to do a patriotic toastie for another nationality, then charges of racism could be made. Especially if I garnished it with say vomit or motor-oil. The implication would be I was saying to another nationality that their country was ‘sick’ and ‘covered in motor-oil’ which would be very racist indeed.

You can’t be racist to yourself.

20141027-100336.jpgNow you are ready to partake. Serve the toastie with one or eight of your national beverages.

Now you have a patriotic outlet that is creative, yummy, and healthy and there’s no need to get that tattoo or wear that t-shirt you think is funny but is actually very menacing.

Bon appetite

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Next time: Ideological Identity Toasties.

Social media

Social media is important.  Quite often you’ll be at a meeting and someone will say “blah, blah, blah social media presence” or “Blah blah, blah, stop arsing about on Facebook we are discussing pivot tables!”

If you don’t understand social media all that conversation will sound like to you is “blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah” and you’ll look like an idiot, even though you are wearing a tie or a nice dress.

But what is social media? Well, it’s similar to computers, which we discussed way back in the mists of time. But it’s not computers. Social media is on computers but it is also on your phone. Whereas computers are on desks and some people take them on the bus, computers aren’t on phones.  It is like the media, but whereas the regular media is on the telly or the newspaper or jostling politicians, social media isn’t on any of those things.  It’s on computers and phones.

I can see you are getting confused.  This is because it is confusing. Then so is knowing what to do with a hot-air balloon and we covered on this weblog. So stay focused because your weblog author is, what the trendy kids say ‘A social media kaiser’.

Learn what the things of social media are and get them.

Social media isn’t actually a thing. You can’t walk into a shop, even a flash one or a technology one, and ask for “one social media please”. You’ll get punched, or at very least sneered at derisively because you are clearly not up with the play about the fact that social media is actually a high level name for Facebook, MySpace, Bebo, Friendster, Twitter and Google +. You have to ask for those things if you want to ask for some social medias. Don’t be an idiot.

Learn the lingo.

In the spirit of the age I used the term ‘lingo’ instead of ‘language’ or ‘vernacular’.  In the twenty-first century and to a lesser extent the twentieth and the nineteenth, buzz-words are the new knowledge and language.  Social media is full of buzz-words and slang. Saying ‘social media’ itself is a bit ‘square’ – you should call it ‘social meeds’ or ‘s-meeds’ even.  There are literally trilliosn of slang terms and buzzwords in s-meeds but here are the main ones:

Twitter – ‘Twitts’, ‘T-wit’, ‘the Blue Bird of talking’, ‘140 yo’ and ‘cheep-cheep’

Facebook – ‘Facies’ (never call it ‘Facetime’ however, that is another computer thing) ‘F-Bomb’ ‘The Blue Monkey’, ‘Winklevosses Lament’ and ‘FaceMethamphatamine’

Google + – You never have to talk about Google +

LOL – is something you add to insulting statements to passive-aggressively make a person think you were joking

: ) – shows the social media viewer you are a moron or temporary incapacitated

ROFL-copter – is pretty much what it sounds like it is.

Attract acquaintances

The currency of social media is people looking at the stuff you post. The more people doing that, the more social media important you become. In order to get people to look at your social medias on the regular you need them to ‘like’, ‘follow’, ‘friend’ or ‘engorge’ you on one or more of the social media platforms.

“What’s the best way to do this?” hear you ask yourself, shielding your face from view with a manila folder?

Well, I’ll tell you.

Say inflammatory things

The best way to get attention is to say something offensive. It is best because it is far and away the easiest. Being inflammatory actually works best when there is little to no basis to what you are saying because there is no chance anyone else will come along and agree with you and make your point better than you did.

This is why you would say “Adam roots fruit” rather than “I don’t really like Adam’s reductive views on the causes of the Great Depression” – the first point is shorter, catchier and in no way in need of qualification. The latter is longer and probably needs to be explained.

Politics and Religion

Much like saying inflammatory things, making statements on social meeds about politics and religion are polarising, get people’s attention, need little to no qualification and have the added benefit, just by virtue of your venturing an opinion, of sounding clever.

“The thing about the left is they tend to take an over simplified view of the economic mechanisms behind a sophisticated modern economy”

That statement up there, sounds very clever. But get this: I MADE IT UP OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD. It took LITERALLY three seconds. It took actually longer to TYPE than to think!

“The Republicans have been sliding towards an Armageddon of polarisation since, well, for a generation”

Ditto.

Very personal shares

Sharing way too much of yourself is to social media what car/pug/Hitler pictures are to the internet at large – the ultimate milkshake that brings the sympathy boys and/or girls to the emotional yard.

At its heart social media is about you; your foot-print on the internet. No-one wants to see the self-satisfied, neatly-cobbled brogue-print of shit-togetherness: boooooring!

People want the rubbed red raw barefoot of dysfunction. The break-up, the drunken arse picture, the long diatribe about how no-one respects you at work. How hard university is. That is the stuff of social media legend!

Bragging

Social media however, is a polarised place. On the one hand, no-one wants to know how great your day at work was and how much you love your colleagues; they want to know how much smarter you are than the idiots you work with, how much your job is beneath you, and how much you ate a spider by accident. On the other hand, however, they also want to know about how much better your life is than theirs is. Self-satisfaction is a snore, but self-aggrandisement is a loud, cocaine-lobster-bisque-and-Congac-fuelled cheer.

Flash holidays, photos with celebrities, jewellery, animals you’ve shot, performance cars you don’t actually own, or bags of drugs. Talk about your sexual conquests in great and licentious detail. Always, repeat, always brag about how much you drunk and never, ever talk about being home on a Friday or inside on a day deemed sunny enough to be outside.

So, that is basically it for s-meeds. Go forth and function.

Ham prank

At the Dan Weblog we tackle some of the bigger issues, sure, but we also like to think we have a jackernape side as well.

Short of wit, playing pranks is the best way to make people laugh.  There’s nothing like a prank to really lighten the mood when there’s a tense situation or a tense person around.

Few people are more tense than new parents, so naturally, they are the best people to prank. Here’s a beautiful and easy-to-execute prank that will lighten the mood in any “Oh God, someone’s got a baby!” situation.

Things you will need

  • One large cooked ham (unglazed)

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    You, with your ham.

  • One non-litigious, gentile friend with a baby.

How the prank works

Firstly you take the ham to a park that you know that you know your friend takes their baby for a walk.  Find some reason to be at the park, that isn’t suss.  When you see your friend approaching with their baby in its pram, make sure the ham is obscured from view.

Your friend not knowing that you have a ham is critical to the success of this prank. If they see you, you might as well go home and eat the ham like a failure.

prank2

 

Next you greet your friend. Say “hello”, compliment him or her on their ‘baseball cap over bandana’ look that they are rocking. Tell them it suits them.

Basically, act like you normally would act around your friend if you didn’t have a large ham obscured from their view.

Prank3

The distraction….

Then you distract your friend.

The thing about the distraction is it has to be something interesting enough to make your friend look away, but not so totally crazy that they’ll panic and worry about the safety of their baby.  Don’t yell “Look, a terrorist!” or “Look an aircraft carrier.”

A minor distraction.

Prank4

 

While your friend is minorly distracted, you switch the baby in the pram with the hitherto obscured ham.

Now, if you have the time, you may wish to swaddle the ham, or at least cover the ham with one of the blankets in the pram.  This will only add to the impact of the prank by making the switch harder to detect.

Once the switch has taken place, you may wish to obscure the baby in much the same way prank5you obscured the ham from view.  By this point your friend would have realised whatever it was you had drawn their attention to, isn’t there.

At this point you should make your excuses and leave the park:

“I’ve just got to go for a run.”

Prank6

The zig-zag line indicates distance. Keep up!

 

‘Going for a run’ is a good one. Make it seem more believable by making sort of ‘running motions’ as you say it, or by being the sort of person to whom physical exercise is not too foreign a concept.

Anyway, at this point, your friend will wander off with what they think is their baby in the pram.

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Retire to a vantage point where you can see your friend ,and watch from behind a tree or something.

Now, if your friend is in any way, shape or form, a good parent, eventually they will start to get the inkling that something is amiss.

Actually, that’s a good point; if you know in advance your friend is a bad parent don’t choose them for this prank. Aside from maybe spending ages waiting for them to notice someone had switched their baby with a large unglazed cooked ham and you getting bored, they may even leave the park, go off somewhere else, or put the ham to bed in the baby’s crib.

Prnak6They may never notice. While this is unlikely, there is still the possibility that you’ll have to tail them away from the park and from bar to bar, or even to their drug dealers house, before they notice.

Anyway, when they notice, this is when the fun starts.

From your vantage point watch them panic. Watch them look around for their baby, watch them start to wonder what sort of person would let their baby get switched prank9with a large unglazed cooked ham.  Just when you can tell in their eyes they are thinking: ‘Hey, I wonder if that was a ham they had behind their back just before…’ you appear, holding their baby.

Now, there might be a stony silence for a few seconds.

Ride this out: it is just them getting the joke through the wall of sheer panic that shot up between them and their sense of humour when they thought someone had actually taken their baby.

prank10Wait for it though, it will come.

Then they get the joke…

As the wall of fear and panic crumbles down they’ll find the joke all the funnier because of the fact that before, they were so terrified.

This is the point where you suggest that no thanks are necessary and that the two of you should share the ham and relive the prank11time, a few seconds ago, where your friend thought their child had been kidnapped and you played a really rad prank.

By the way, you have to be careful that you don’t play this prank on anyone who’s culture does not allow them to eat pork products, or who are ethically opposed to eating pork: if you do, it goes from being innocent shenanigans to something that can be easily misconstrued as a viscous slur on their beliefs.

 

How to get rich. Part Two

Continued, oddly enough, from ‘Part one’ 

Sort of invent something but not really

Now, I can hear you sitting there saying: “But he said at the beginning of this weblog bulletin that innovation was hard”

Well, to you I say: “Shut up you dingus. What I meant by ‘innovation’ was real innovation; actually coming up with something ground-breaking or useful. What I mean here is coat-tailing a useful development with a largely pointless knick-knack and monetising it. God you’re a muppet, really, just, stop, okay.”

You’d probably then say: “Okay dude, chillax to the max, I was just saying. Take a chill-pill and cool your jets brosif.”

To which I’d say: “You’re right, that was an overreacting. I’m sorry, but my point is…”

…of course real innovation is hard, but using someone else’s innovation making a minor ‘value-add’ to it that is probably unnecessary and then selling it is a good way to make it rain.

Make it rain money.

For every Thomas Edison, Karl Benz and Marie Curie there are a thousand other people who see a brilliant idea, slap an offensive slogan, and before they know it you have a massive Money Tree growing in their back yard*.  That they never need to water. A Money Cactus.

Someone else invented the potato chip, you invent a new FLAVOUR of potato chip.

Someone else invented spirituous liquors, you COMBINE said liquors in a FLOURESCENT CAN.

Someone else invented the t-shirt, you invent printing ‘Amy’s Winehouse’ ON t-shirts and selling them.

I came up with those, like, very quickly. It’s easy.

You need to find your own offensive, socially irresponsible snack food product.

Live at home with your parents forever

Let’s boil this all down to brass tacks: you need to ask yourself what it is about being rich that is desirable.  Now, some of you might say “wealth is a means of keeping score on my personal achievement” and others of you may say that wealth creation enables you to go and do great things, help people, and make a difference.

Both of these things are wrong.

Basically you want to be rich so you don’t have to worry about money. You want to have enough money they you can do something other than work or attend the sort of parties where you have to network.

While being actually rich with money is the best way to make this happen, there are ways of simulating being rich that don’t involve you having very much, if any, money at all.  You can live the rich lifestyle of getting smashed all day and sitting around in your undies playing video-games, and effectively have a servant, or servants plural, simply by never leaving home.

People that live at home with their parents, parent, or sponge off of any other well-meaning family member their entire life are effectively rich because they have everything a rich person has without needing money.

Not only this but any dollar they do acquire from writing weblogs or delivering flyers two days a week has a greater real value than the dollar we make because it doesn’t need to go towards rent, utilities or fixing our own toaster. It can be spent on rich person stuff like a sweet, sweet ride with mad subs in it, or a thirty piece drum-kit.  There is a fine line here though: most adults who live at home with their parents, or parent, want to be independent, get a job and support themselves. You need to differentiate yourself from this majority because otherwise mum will always be on your case about moving out.

No, you have to make it clear that you aren’t even trying.   Then they’ll give up and accept you’re there forever. Like a couch.

Far from ridiculing people who live with their mum well into their twenties, thirties, forties or even fifties; we should revere them as we revere the aristocrats of old.  They are rich without even needing money.  The only problem is if it ends, but I’ll let you in on a little secret: if your mum and/or dad will let you live at home until you are 25 and you haven’t even tried to become independent, they’ll basically let you live with them forever.

Really, this is what it is all about Dear Weblog readers.

That and getting mum to make you cheese toasties whenever man.

 

 

 

*Note: I know I referenced Marie Curie, but please don’t make your idea “Putting an Offensive Slogan on Penicillin” – that idea is more confusing than anything else.

How to get rich. Part One.

Quite often you hear people say “Money isn’t everything” or “I don’t care about how much money she has, I like her emerald green eyes” or even “I hate this money”.

The problem is, only one of these statements is correct when taken in context: Sure, he likes her eyes but as much as seven BMWs? Doubtful

Sure, she hates that money, but what she hates about it, is that it is covered in last night’s lasagne. She is not making a wider socio-economic point; she is merely annoyed someone spilled Italian food all over her purse. Don’t jump to conclusions. It’s nothing a bit of money laundering won’t fix.

Money isn’t everything, but it is loads of things.

The problem with money is it is quite sought after. After ‘stylish hair’ and ‘diamonds’ it is probably the most sought after thing.  Like all sought after things, there is a hard way to get lots of it; to become, in effect, ‘rich with money’.  This hard way includes hard work and thrift, clever and calculated risk, creative innovation or inventing a mobile phone app.  Like everything we focus on in the weblog, there is also an easy way. Or several easy ways.  Let’s say, four.

Now the feedback I have received for this weblog has tended to fall into two distinct categories:  “You’re shit” and “You’re amazing, but your weblog communiqués are too bleedin’ long!”

So I have decided to ignore the first kind of feedback and, at least while I remember, take the second kind on board.

So this is part one. Part two will be the second part, a timeframe after part one.

Inherit money

This is the easiest way to become rich.  It is also what happens to most money: it moves from one relative to the next. You don’t even have to do anything.

This is why people who inherit money are always the most highly respected people in any culture: everyone else makes a big flippin’ deal about money, saying “Oh look how hard I’m working” or “Oh, I don’t have enough money for boat shoes” but they just cruise on in and are all “Hey, I’m totally chill, want to go to the yacht club or something”. And they say it in a posh voice.

Because they aren’t forced to work or do inventing, people who inherit money are free to do as they will: which is mainly ‘get totally smashed’, ‘play arcane sports only they know the rules to’ and ‘hard bondage’.

The problem is most people don’t have parents wealthy enough for them to live solely off of inherited wealth. Some may get something later in life and some may assume they will only to get a massive shock (See also: mooching off of your parents well into your thirties).

For most of us, we can only dream of being eccentric, drinking ourselves to death in a penthouse apartment, or attending cocaine and amyl nitrated-soaked masque orgies.

Do crime

Whoever said to you that crime doesn’t pay was filling your head with poppycock. Crime most certainly does pay.  Look at the Mafia, and people who make Mafia themed movies and television.

Of course, like most things you have to apply a degree of nous to doing crime.  Not all crimes pay so it pays to focus on crimes that do. Drunkenly stumbling around kicking rubbish bins is ‘crime’ but it also very difficult to monetise. Not impossible, but difficult. Stealing diamonds or priceless works of art however, do pay: you get some diamonds and priceless works of art and you don’t have to pay anything for them. One hundred per cent profit.

The key in crime is ambition: don’t just steal a Cherry Ripe bar; they are gross and not very valuable. Steal a house.

Criminals are respected in modern society: just look around at men’s fashion.  Everyone is wearing ‘hoodies’, ‘backward baseball caps’, ‘baggy 1930’s pin-stripe suits’ and ‘black leather bomber jackets with ‘crime’ emblazoned on the back’.

Dot. Dot. Dot. *suspenseful music playing. Like, classical, or opera or Muse or something*

And here is Part Two. I told you there’d be another part didn’t I. Ye of little faith.

Dinner parties: spare a thought

Dinner parties can be either a pleasant evening with friends or a grinding obligatory chore which makes death seems like sweet release.  While this can have a lot to do with how much you like your friends or what your threshold for ‘pleasant’ is, a good deal of it has to do with dietary requirements.

For many of us afflicted with allergies, have health issues that restrict what we can and can’t eat, or hold cultural views that dictate our food choices, social dining can be a minefield of awkwardness.  Even amongst our friends and loved ones, our health issues, or ethical or cultural choices can feel like millstones around our necks or walls dividing us from the ‘fun’ of all being together.

Now, while health, cultural and ethical issues surrounding food can make dining out difficult, imagine if you found yourself in a far worse situation than this. Imagine if it wasn’t just real health concerns that stopped you eating something.  What if it wasn’t dedication to a belief.  What if it wasn’t just one thing that you couldn’t eat; what if it was most things.

Kale salad

Kale fig and halloumi salad: How is that normal?

What if your reasoning for not eating those things wasn’t all that robust or socially acceptable.  What if you didn’t like most food because you thought it was gross, you were unadventurous, and there was never enough salt on it.

Now you know my pain dear Weblog readers.

I can’t remember the all the times I’ve had to blow off a brunch and sit at home drinking because “there’s always spinach, and that café is pretty expensive for what is basically an omelette”.  I have a hard time counting the number of occasions I’ve had to pick unidentifiable lentils or raisins out of something I was told, in no uncertain terms before I agreed to come I might add, would be a normal curry.

You probably don’t know how hard it is to show up at your best friend’s house, look them or their significant other, in the eye and say “That looks disgusting, I’m not eating that slop.”

While it may be hard for those with health concerns and those who make informed and ethical decisions about what they will eat, it is much harder for those of us who just think most food is ‘pretentious and ick’.

To make matters worse, the stress of potentially having to yams, broccoli, or kale, means it is all too easy to drink alcohol or take drugs before going to a dinner party. Some people will even mistake awkwardness, or even shame, for ‘drunkenly insulting the host and disappearing to the toilet with a bottle of wine.’

Sometimes it pays to be aware that one person’s ‘rude, drunk and arrogant behaviour’ is another person’s ‘just wanting some chips’.  What you might see as ‘returning from the toilet then demanding to dance to The Libertines first record even though its not really that sort of party’ is another person’s ‘wanting to participate.’

Just think. Okay.