Tag Archives: awesome

How to score

It seems these days that the ‘number three industry’, after making mobile phone apps and coal, is offering dating advice.  The problem with most of this advice is it is almost entirely low-level pop-psychology and really obvious body language tips.

The thing is, if you’d been paying attention in high school instead of doing maths problems and hiding from the Captain of the First XI, you should have picked these up for yourself. However, this is not to say that all of us don’t need a little romantic pick-me-up from time to time.

Finding oneself in the ‘Chum-zone’ with a lad or lass you want to have sex with is quite annoying, especially when you consider that you have no real problems in your life.

Not being able to move your relationship from the ‘Can I borrow the boxed set of the West Wing’ phase to the ‘Lets watch the West Wing together and do the voices’ phase can be a tough nut to crack.  Like a walnut.  A walnut of sexual tension and awkwardness.

The problem with most ‘How to date a person’ advice is it all relies on the assumption that the person you are trying to mate/date is dimmer than you are, and thus are unable to tell that you are trying to psychology them.  This is a strange assumption to make given that you are paying for advice in how to act around another human.

The long, hard fact is that most people who haven’t yet slept with you are probably smarter than you are which is how they have avoided sleeping with you up until now.  Most ‘dating advice tips’ also tend to make the assumption that you are a man, which many people are not.

Never fear though, your weblog comptroller is also a Level Seven Love Wizard with a power-up Orb of ‘Getting it On’ and he’s here to show you how to make that ‘Crush’ into a ‘Brush(ing of genitals)’. What’s more you don’t have to a man, or even male, to participate.

Power of suggestion

When people hear a word, they quite often do what that word is.  For instance, if you hear the word “car” in a sentence you will probably buy a car.  This is why car salesmen quite often say the word “car” or “automobile” when they are doing a sales pitch. You don’t hear that many of them saying “Taylor Swift” or “Jelly” in a sales pitch, unless it is to say “Taylor would be so jelly of you buying this Suzuki Swift car.”

The problem though, is just saying the word can be a bit too subtle. If you only have a few minutes in which to make the suggestion of a conjugal interlude, you may have to be a bit more direct. The key is to simply shout the suggestive term, loudly and pretty much at random, in the middle of a normal and unrelated conversation.

An example may help:

You: “It is a nice day we are having here waiting SEX!!  for the van to take us on the  ROOTING!! medieval festival.”

Now the object of your desire may be a little confused and maybe even question you on this:

Magenta (a person you like) : “Sorry, what did you say? What was all that weird shouting?”

But now the seeds of suggestion are planted in Magenta’s brain and they will fertilise slowly from here on in.  It is actually best now for you to deny you even shouted anything at all, and look at Magenta as if she’s a bit odd:

You: “What weird shouting? KISSING!! You are probably mistaken because of taking bath salts or something.”

Create mystery and create demand

Have you ever stared out the window watching the storm clouds roll in over the bay and wondered how Phil Collins could marry not one but several women? I know I have.

I mean he writes whiny songs about his exes so the next wife must know the same thing will happen to her, right? Well, I did used to wonder this quite a bit.

I say did because now I know why people kept marrying Phil Collins. He was a man of mystery and he created demand for the ‘Phil Collins brand’.

He pretty much pioneered the stark electronic drum-kit sound synonymous with so much of how we remember the eighties; he thus created demand. Not only was he in demand, but you never knew when a new Phil Collins record would come out, or quite often where he was quite a lot of the time.

Maybe a record every several years, and maybe he’s in the kitchen.

Maybe not one for ten years and maybe he’s on the roof.


You need to be like Phil Collins. I mean, not entirely, but in this very specific way.

Create a sense of mystery around what you are doing.  When your ‘coital mark’ asks where you are going, allude to somewhere very strange, but be vague enough not to have to actually lie.  Make out you have other people who want to be in your company, especially other potential suitors.

Let me illustrate point with an example:

Gwylim (a person you are keen on): “I am thinking of going to that anti-water fluoridation rally later on, are you going to go to that?”

You: “Maaaaaaybe…” Now you look at your watch… You: “Is that the time, I have to go and sort that, well, you know, things to do people to see…and maybe…kiss.”

Leave it hanging on kiss.

Gwylim: “Oh yeah, what are you up to?”

Now you just burst into a maniacal cackle and walk off briskly muttering safe in the knowledge you have created both mystery as to what you are doing and an allusion to other people who demand your time. Your sexy time.

Disrupt social patterns

The thing about the attractive and the desirable of our species, and indeed most species, is they have a lot of social engagements with a lot of people.

You may be chums with the ‘the one you thirst for’ and you may well hang out frequently and do the normal day-to-day social things with them but you can bet your last whisky dollar that this person does a lot of the same things with a lot of people. Many of those people will be funnier and smarter and less of a dick than you.

You can’t, or up to this point won’t, make yourself funnier, smarter or less of a dick so you need a Plan B. If you can’t make the company (you) stand out, make the event stand out.

Instead of going to the movies, suggest playing lawn-bowls in a car-park. Instead of going to a cafe or bar, suggest drinking beers in a car-park. Instead of going to a goose farm, suggest stealing road cones and arranging them in a car-park.

Soon the ‘apple of your eye’ will associate you with doing exciting and interesting things, and they may take a second look at you, over-look your many shortcomings and consider moving things to the next level.


As well as disrupting your routine, at some point you need to disrupt everyone’s perceptions of you. A way to do this is what is often referred to as ‘peacocking.’

Invite that ‘hot thang’ out to a fun car-park drinking session but tell him to meet you there much earlier than you intend to show up.

As well as creating mystery, you will also be buying yourself some time to break into his house and release a peacock into his bedroom.  A peacock is best because it correlates with the title of this section but any big, easily spooked, and destructive bird will do. Maybe a goose from one of those trips to the goose farm you used to do.

Then you show up at the car-park. He’ll be wondering where you’ve been but he’ll be impressed at how little regard you have for his time. Do your platonic but slightly quirky social thing and then he goes home.

What happens next is a sure fire winner and best illustrated by an example:

Your phone buzzes hotly in your pocket. You see it is Terrance, the one you burn for. Answer it.

Terrance: “Fuck, there’s a massive fucking peacock in my bedroom and its slashed up my duvet, and its shat everywhere!”

You smile knowingly. Don’t worry, he can’t see you; you’re on the phone.

Terrance: “I’m not going back in there, its fucking crazy. Can I ask you a favour, can I stay at yours tonight…”

dot dot dot indeed.


Life Hacks: Clean the Microwave

One of the main reasons people bang violently on my door at three AM is to breathlessly ask for some mean life hacks.

This is only in part because “life hacks” is code for “ten nitrous oxide bulbs”; it is at least forty per cent because your weblog administrator is a veritable life haxxor.

In ‘normal people parlance’ a life haxxor is someone who has amazing little tricks to make the small, yet apparently important, aspects of life that much easier.  Kind of like a ‘guru’ but instead of focusing on humanity’s big questions or all-encompassing philosophies, I am sagely in all that is run-of-the-mill, trite and pedestrian.

Join me, Dear Readers, for a brisk jog through a bunch of shit which saves you thirty to forty seconds and/or a minor embarrassment of sorts.

The first in this series is:

Clean the microwave

Let’s say you heat up last night’s righteous curry for your lunch in the work microwave and it explodes a bit while you are returning it to edible temperature.  The curry, while still totally edible, spunks curry sauce all over the inside of the microwave and the door.

Now, the passive-aggressive sign next to the microwave says “Please leave the microwave as you found it, your mother DOESN’T work here” which you know means, in a round-a-about and cowardly way, ‘clean the microwave.’

The thing is, you can’t be arsed cleaning the microwave because life’s’ too short.

Problem is, Greta the office nerd who wrote the sign (and loads of other ones around the kitchen), is five and a half minutes away. If she sees you’ve spunked the microwave with your curry she’s probably going to make you clean it. Worse still, she will equally likely talk about how she always cleans the microwave but she “might as well do it again…sigh” and this will make you feel bad.

Hack!: Fill a glass with milk, place it in the microwave, and cook on ‘high’ for five minutes or until the milk boils and explodes. By the end of the five minutes it should have spunked all over the inside of the microwave, disguising your curry sauce and even, in some cases, dislodging chunks of it.

Then take out the glass and what remains of the milk.

When Greta comes in to heat up her organic boiled vegetables she will see the inside of the microwave is spunked with milk and really gross. She will ask you what happened, sure, but she’ll also see you are eating awesome curry and she’ll see that the mess is milk.

Off the hook! Hacked!


Drinking alcohol is the best.


A nice drink

All the best events involving drinking; parties, gigs, night-clubs, going to the park or the beach of a summers day.  Conversely all the lamest ones involve specifically not drinking; Monday morning at work, the library, appearing in court.  Plus, you can always introduce drinking to a situation and most people will appreciate it most of the time. Unlike, say, sniffing glue, the worst reaction you’d get showing up to a friend’s two-year-old’s birthday party with a dozen is maybe a passive-aggressive indication you should stay on the back lawn. More than likely, unlike sniffing glue, other people will appreciate the gesture as they were probably thinking the same thing you were. You sir or madam, are an innovator.

Drinking is relatively cheap. I mean, you can make drinking expensive sure.  You can drink in fancy cocktail bars, brew pubs or on ocean liners.  You can crash a 500sl Mercedes while hammered or set fire to a major public building.  Drinking can have have costly consequences.  You can make up silly rules for yourself about only drinking wheat beers or vodka’s from a very specific region of Latvia which rule out cheaper more accessible alternatives.  However, if you want to get drunk you can do it for ten dollars and if you compare that outlay to other things that are fun to do, that is pretty cheap.

Being drunk is the best way to enjoy the company of your friends, interact with strangers, enjoy a trip anywhere, or attempt to have sex. Being drunk makes boring people interesting, intolerable people tolerable and brings out the good times when you are with people who are fun.  There are few things I like more than shooting the shit with my friends over a few beers or creme de menthes.

There are negative consequences to drinking.  You might become addicted to drinking, which isn’t very good at all.  You might have one of those personalities, or be in one of those head-spaces where mixing said personality or head-space with alcohol makes you decidedly boring, anti-social, violent or depressed. No one, for instance, who has just got a big promotion or pay-rise should drink because if they do they will go on and on about the importance of their job and the significance of their pay-rise and they’ll lose most of their friends. At least for that evening. If not for life.

As far as simple pleasures go though, drinking is up there. Either with your friends, or by yourself re-watching The Wire, at a party, or at a bus-stop; drinking will make things more fun.