Tag Archives: baby

How to raise your baby

George Clinton once said “it takes a village to raise a child”.  In many ways the outlandishly shod funk pioneer who revolutionised dance music was right.  A child needs the experiences and wisdom of many influences. Whereas many cooks might spoil broth, a child is not a broth.  Many cooks, cook a child to perfection.

The village of today though, isn’t one of mud huts and wooden fortifications like it was in 1970s America; today’s village is the global village. The teachers of today are thus, the heaving swathes of the internet.  Today, dear readers, the best people to help your raise your child, using helpful tips, advice, and frequent reprimands, are randoms on the internet.

While the opinions of anyone who cares enough to offer them are valuable and should be cherished, the opinion of an objective figure is like a diamond. No one is more objective than a childless man because he can offer the sort of balanced, disinterested and level-headed analysis only possible by being above the fray with his nose in the air. Like a Napoleonic Napoleonic generalgeneral.  Your weblog bulletin comptroller is one such childless Napoleonic general.  I am, thus, an expert on how you should raise your children.  Sit carefully down and listen to me order the firing of some truth cannons and may you be shredded by the grapeshot of my insight about what to do with your child when it is a baby. Babies are, after-all, the most original of all the types of children.

Feed them normal adult food

There will be plenty of time for your baby to eat tasteless pureed paste when it’s dumped in a low-cost elder-care facility as a geriatric. Babies need to be socialised into normal people society quickly, lest they become weirdos who live with you well into their forties because they ‘need to get their head together’. A big part of this is with food.  Instead of weird translucent apple goo, give junior a T-bone steak. Maybe not blue to start with; start her off with medium.  She’ll be able to gum most of the nutrients out of it over five or six hours but the blood dribbling off her smile will tell you all you need to know about how much she loves it.

Never take your baby to the doctor

Millennials aren’t allergic to everything because allergies are considered trill in Pitchfork magazine, millennials are allergic to everything because they were not exposed to illness at baby level.  Taking your baby to the doctor when it is sick only prolongs the time they are not strong enough to defeat the illness with their own strength of character and will.

Jeans

Babies dressed as adults isn’t just a cute affectation favoured by shut-ins who buy calendars; there’s a real developmental reason to dress your baby in a new pair of skinny jeans – their rigidity.  One of most babies’ major failings is they can’t stand up and thus they can’t walk or go out to dance parties.  Rigid denim squeezed over underdeveloped muscles act as a sort of ‘standing aid’. With a bit of balance and rigid legs, baby is standing up and it is incentivised to walk, to run and to create their future.

Do adult things

Babies learn and thrive by imitation.  What you do and say will have an immeasurable impact on how the baby will behave.  Playing nursery rhymes and singing saccharine ditties about fairies and wizards will turn your child into a progressive rock fan with a beard who thinks wizards and fairies are real.

If you are watching a violent film about real life while smoking a lovely cigarette, while it would be problematic to give the baby cigarettes, let the baby watch.  Instead of Humpty Dumpty, read baby Glamorama, which definitely actually happened. It is all part of the rich tapestry of real life that your baby will need to find its place in sooner or later.

Babies are basically people, with hopes,and dreams, and ambitions. It would be literally an abuse of property rights to stomp on your baby’s freedom by not allowing the baby to realise these dreams, or if fate is so inclined, to taste the over-salted broth of failure in trying.

Advertisements

Ham prank

At the Dan Weblog we tackle some of the bigger issues, sure, but we also like to think we have a jackernape side as well.

Short of wit, playing pranks is the best way to make people laugh.  There’s nothing like a prank to really lighten the mood when there’s a tense situation or a tense person around.

Few people are more tense than new parents, so naturally, they are the best people to prank. Here’s a beautiful and easy-to-execute prank that will lighten the mood in any “Oh God, someone’s got a baby!” situation.

Things you will need

  • One large cooked ham (unglazed)

    Untitled

    You, with your ham.

  • One non-litigious, gentile friend with a baby.

How the prank works

Firstly you take the ham to a park that you know that you know your friend takes their baby for a walk.  Find some reason to be at the park, that isn’t suss.  When you see your friend approaching with their baby in its pram, make sure the ham is obscured from view.

Your friend not knowing that you have a ham is critical to the success of this prank. If they see you, you might as well go home and eat the ham like a failure.

prank2

 

Next you greet your friend. Say “hello”, compliment him or her on their ‘baseball cap over bandana’ look that they are rocking. Tell them it suits them.

Basically, act like you normally would act around your friend if you didn’t have a large ham obscured from their view.

Prank3

The distraction….

Then you distract your friend.

The thing about the distraction is it has to be something interesting enough to make your friend look away, but not so totally crazy that they’ll panic and worry about the safety of their baby.  Don’t yell “Look, a terrorist!” or “Look an aircraft carrier.”

A minor distraction.

Prank4

 

While your friend is minorly distracted, you switch the baby in the pram with the hitherto obscured ham.

Now, if you have the time, you may wish to swaddle the ham, or at least cover the ham with one of the blankets in the pram.  This will only add to the impact of the prank by making the switch harder to detect.

Once the switch has taken place, you may wish to obscure the baby in much the same way prank5you obscured the ham from view.  By this point your friend would have realised whatever it was you had drawn their attention to, isn’t there.

At this point you should make your excuses and leave the park:

“I’ve just got to go for a run.”

Prank6

The zig-zag line indicates distance. Keep up!

 

‘Going for a run’ is a good one. Make it seem more believable by making sort of ‘running motions’ as you say it, or by being the sort of person to whom physical exercise is not too foreign a concept.

Anyway, at this point, your friend will wander off with what they think is their baby in the pram.

prank7

 

Retire to a vantage point where you can see your friend ,and watch from behind a tree or something.

Now, if your friend is in any way, shape or form, a good parent, eventually they will start to get the inkling that something is amiss.

Actually, that’s a good point; if you know in advance your friend is a bad parent don’t choose them for this prank. Aside from maybe spending ages waiting for them to notice someone had switched their baby with a large unglazed cooked ham and you getting bored, they may even leave the park, go off somewhere else, or put the ham to bed in the baby’s crib.

Prnak6They may never notice. While this is unlikely, there is still the possibility that you’ll have to tail them away from the park and from bar to bar, or even to their drug dealers house, before they notice.

Anyway, when they notice, this is when the fun starts.

From your vantage point watch them panic. Watch them look around for their baby, watch them start to wonder what sort of person would let their baby get switched prank9with a large unglazed cooked ham.  Just when you can tell in their eyes they are thinking: ‘Hey, I wonder if that was a ham they had behind their back just before…’ you appear, holding their baby.

Now, there might be a stony silence for a few seconds.

Ride this out: it is just them getting the joke through the wall of sheer panic that shot up between them and their sense of humour when they thought someone had actually taken their baby.

prank10Wait for it though, it will come.

Then they get the joke…

As the wall of fear and panic crumbles down they’ll find the joke all the funnier because of the fact that before, they were so terrified.

This is the point where you suggest that no thanks are necessary and that the two of you should share the ham and relive the prank11time, a few seconds ago, where your friend thought their child had been kidnapped and you played a really rad prank.

By the way, you have to be careful that you don’t play this prank on anyone who’s culture does not allow them to eat pork products, or who are ethically opposed to eating pork: if you do, it goes from being innocent shenanigans to something that can be easily misconstrued as a viscous slur on their beliefs.