Tag Archives: bar

How to score

It seems these days that the ‘number three industry’, after making mobile phone apps and coal, is offering dating advice.  The problem with most of this advice is it is almost entirely low-level pop-psychology and really obvious body language tips.

The thing is, if you’d been paying attention in high school instead of doing maths problems and hiding from the Captain of the First XI, you should have picked these up for yourself. However, this is not to say that all of us don’t need a little romantic pick-me-up from time to time.

Finding oneself in the ‘Chum-zone’ with a lad or lass you want to have sex with is quite annoying, especially when you consider that you have no real problems in your life.

Not being able to move your relationship from the ‘Can I borrow the boxed set of the West Wing’ phase to the ‘Lets watch the West Wing together and do the voices’ phase can be a tough nut to crack.  Like a walnut.  A walnut of sexual tension and awkwardness.

The problem with most ‘How to date a person’ advice is it all relies on the assumption that the person you are trying to mate/date is dimmer than you are, and thus are unable to tell that you are trying to psychology them.  This is a strange assumption to make given that you are paying for advice in how to act around another human.

The long, hard fact is that most people who haven’t yet slept with you are probably smarter than you are which is how they have avoided sleeping with you up until now.  Most ‘dating advice tips’ also tend to make the assumption that you are a man, which many people are not.

Never fear though, your weblog comptroller is also a Level Seven Love Wizard with a power-up Orb of ‘Getting it On’ and he’s here to show you how to make that ‘Crush’ into a ‘Brush(ing of genitals)’. What’s more you don’t have to a man, or even male, to participate.

Power of suggestion

When people hear a word, they quite often do what that word is.  For instance, if you hear the word “car” in a sentence you will probably buy a car.  This is why car salesmen quite often say the word “car” or “automobile” when they are doing a sales pitch. You don’t hear that many of them saying “Taylor Swift” or “Jelly” in a sales pitch, unless it is to say “Taylor would be so jelly of you buying this Suzuki Swift car.”

The problem though, is just saying the word can be a bit too subtle. If you only have a few minutes in which to make the suggestion of a conjugal interlude, you may have to be a bit more direct. The key is to simply shout the suggestive term, loudly and pretty much at random, in the middle of a normal and unrelated conversation.

An example may help:

You: “It is a nice day we are having here waiting SEX!!  for the van to take us on the  ROOTING!! medieval festival.”

Now the object of your desire may be a little confused and maybe even question you on this:

Magenta (a person you like) : “Sorry, what did you say? What was all that weird shouting?”

But now the seeds of suggestion are planted in Magenta’s brain and they will fertilise slowly from here on in.  It is actually best now for you to deny you even shouted anything at all, and look at Magenta as if she’s a bit odd:

You: “What weird shouting? KISSING!! You are probably mistaken because of taking bath salts or something.”

Create mystery and create demand

Have you ever stared out the window watching the storm clouds roll in over the bay and wondered how Phil Collins could marry not one but several women? I know I have.

I mean he writes whiny songs about his exes so the next wife must know the same thing will happen to her, right? Well, I did used to wonder this quite a bit.

I say did because now I know why people kept marrying Phil Collins. He was a man of mystery and he created demand for the ‘Phil Collins brand’.

He pretty much pioneered the stark electronic drum-kit sound synonymous with so much of how we remember the eighties; he thus created demand. Not only was he in demand, but you never knew when a new Phil Collins record would come out, or quite often where he was quite a lot of the time.

Maybe a record every several years, and maybe he’s in the kitchen.

Maybe not one for ten years and maybe he’s on the roof.

Mystery.

You need to be like Phil Collins. I mean, not entirely, but in this very specific way.

Create a sense of mystery around what you are doing.  When your ‘coital mark’ asks where you are going, allude to somewhere very strange, but be vague enough not to have to actually lie.  Make out you have other people who want to be in your company, especially other potential suitors.

Let me illustrate point with an example:

Gwylim (a person you are keen on): “I am thinking of going to that anti-water fluoridation rally later on, are you going to go to that?”

You: “Maaaaaaybe…” Now you look at your watch… You: “Is that the time, I have to go and sort that, well, you know, things to do people to see…and maybe…kiss.”

Leave it hanging on kiss.

Gwylim: “Oh yeah, what are you up to?”

Now you just burst into a maniacal cackle and walk off briskly muttering safe in the knowledge you have created both mystery as to what you are doing and an allusion to other people who demand your time. Your sexy time.

Disrupt social patterns

The thing about the attractive and the desirable of our species, and indeed most species, is they have a lot of social engagements with a lot of people.

You may be chums with the ‘the one you thirst for’ and you may well hang out frequently and do the normal day-to-day social things with them but you can bet your last whisky dollar that this person does a lot of the same things with a lot of people. Many of those people will be funnier and smarter and less of a dick than you.

You can’t, or up to this point won’t, make yourself funnier, smarter or less of a dick so you need a Plan B. If you can’t make the company (you) stand out, make the event stand out.

Instead of going to the movies, suggest playing lawn-bowls in a car-park. Instead of going to a cafe or bar, suggest drinking beers in a car-park. Instead of going to a goose farm, suggest stealing road cones and arranging them in a car-park.

Soon the ‘apple of your eye’ will associate you with doing exciting and interesting things, and they may take a second look at you, over-look your many shortcomings and consider moving things to the next level.

Peacocking 

As well as disrupting your routine, at some point you need to disrupt everyone’s perceptions of you. A way to do this is what is often referred to as ‘peacocking.’

Invite that ‘hot thang’ out to a fun car-park drinking session but tell him to meet you there much earlier than you intend to show up.

As well as creating mystery, you will also be buying yourself some time to break into his house and release a peacock into his bedroom.  A peacock is best because it correlates with the title of this section but any big, easily spooked, and destructive bird will do. Maybe a goose from one of those trips to the goose farm you used to do.

Then you show up at the car-park. He’ll be wondering where you’ve been but he’ll be impressed at how little regard you have for his time. Do your platonic but slightly quirky social thing and then he goes home.

What happens next is a sure fire winner and best illustrated by an example:

Your phone buzzes hotly in your pocket. You see it is Terrance, the one you burn for. Answer it.

Terrance: “Fuck, there’s a massive fucking peacock in my bedroom and its slashed up my duvet, and its shat everywhere!”

You smile knowingly. Don’t worry, he can’t see you; you’re on the phone.

Terrance: “I’m not going back in there, its fucking crazy. Can I ask you a favour, can I stay at yours tonight…”

dot dot dot indeed.

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Ham prank

At the Dan Weblog we tackle some of the bigger issues, sure, but we also like to think we have a jackernape side as well.

Short of wit, playing pranks is the best way to make people laugh.  There’s nothing like a prank to really lighten the mood when there’s a tense situation or a tense person around.

Few people are more tense than new parents, so naturally, they are the best people to prank. Here’s a beautiful and easy-to-execute prank that will lighten the mood in any “Oh God, someone’s got a baby!” situation.

Things you will need

  • One large cooked ham (unglazed)

    Untitled

    You, with your ham.

  • One non-litigious, gentile friend with a baby.

How the prank works

Firstly you take the ham to a park that you know that you know your friend takes their baby for a walk.  Find some reason to be at the park, that isn’t suss.  When you see your friend approaching with their baby in its pram, make sure the ham is obscured from view.

Your friend not knowing that you have a ham is critical to the success of this prank. If they see you, you might as well go home and eat the ham like a failure.

prank2

 

Next you greet your friend. Say “hello”, compliment him or her on their ‘baseball cap over bandana’ look that they are rocking. Tell them it suits them.

Basically, act like you normally would act around your friend if you didn’t have a large ham obscured from their view.

Prank3

The distraction….

Then you distract your friend.

The thing about the distraction is it has to be something interesting enough to make your friend look away, but not so totally crazy that they’ll panic and worry about the safety of their baby.  Don’t yell “Look, a terrorist!” or “Look an aircraft carrier.”

A minor distraction.

Prank4

 

While your friend is minorly distracted, you switch the baby in the pram with the hitherto obscured ham.

Now, if you have the time, you may wish to swaddle the ham, or at least cover the ham with one of the blankets in the pram.  This will only add to the impact of the prank by making the switch harder to detect.

Once the switch has taken place, you may wish to obscure the baby in much the same way prank5you obscured the ham from view.  By this point your friend would have realised whatever it was you had drawn their attention to, isn’t there.

At this point you should make your excuses and leave the park:

“I’ve just got to go for a run.”

Prank6

The zig-zag line indicates distance. Keep up!

 

‘Going for a run’ is a good one. Make it seem more believable by making sort of ‘running motions’ as you say it, or by being the sort of person to whom physical exercise is not too foreign a concept.

Anyway, at this point, your friend will wander off with what they think is their baby in the pram.

prank7

 

Retire to a vantage point where you can see your friend ,and watch from behind a tree or something.

Now, if your friend is in any way, shape or form, a good parent, eventually they will start to get the inkling that something is amiss.

Actually, that’s a good point; if you know in advance your friend is a bad parent don’t choose them for this prank. Aside from maybe spending ages waiting for them to notice someone had switched their baby with a large unglazed cooked ham and you getting bored, they may even leave the park, go off somewhere else, or put the ham to bed in the baby’s crib.

Prnak6They may never notice. While this is unlikely, there is still the possibility that you’ll have to tail them away from the park and from bar to bar, or even to their drug dealers house, before they notice.

Anyway, when they notice, this is when the fun starts.

From your vantage point watch them panic. Watch them look around for their baby, watch them start to wonder what sort of person would let their baby get switched prank9with a large unglazed cooked ham.  Just when you can tell in their eyes they are thinking: ‘Hey, I wonder if that was a ham they had behind their back just before…’ you appear, holding their baby.

Now, there might be a stony silence for a few seconds.

Ride this out: it is just them getting the joke through the wall of sheer panic that shot up between them and their sense of humour when they thought someone had actually taken their baby.

prank10Wait for it though, it will come.

Then they get the joke…

As the wall of fear and panic crumbles down they’ll find the joke all the funnier because of the fact that before, they were so terrified.

This is the point where you suggest that no thanks are necessary and that the two of you should share the ham and relive the prank11time, a few seconds ago, where your friend thought their child had been kidnapped and you played a really rad prank.

By the way, you have to be careful that you don’t play this prank on anyone who’s culture does not allow them to eat pork products, or who are ethically opposed to eating pork: if you do, it goes from being innocent shenanigans to something that can be easily misconstrued as a viscous slur on their beliefs.

 

Dating tips

One of the most distressing things about finding a potential mate can be interacting with them on a one on one.  Some people enjoy the cut and thrust of a vibrant date while others find the prospect daunting or boring.

In these fast-paced and sometimes stressful times, where a computer virus can destroy everything you hold dear, or a Twitter can take over the mind of a loved one, it is important that things be put in concise lists of no more than five points.  This is one such list.

A lothario of some renown, I have had relationships with upwards of two women.  I have also written several emails offering advice on relationships to people, sometimes unsolicited.  Today I give you a simple list of ‘dos’ to make dating successful, fun, and not a waste of time.

What makes this list better than the other three I have read is that it isn’t gender specific.  The advice here can be used by any or all the genders.

Go to a bar

All dates should be in bars. If at all possible, all relationships should happen entirely in bars as well, but we’ll focus for now on the date.  Bars serve alcohol for a start, which is a plus. Most importantly commitment of time for the date is broken down into manageable chunks: the length of time it takes to consume a beverage.  If you go to a movie, you are committed to the length of time it takes to watch the movie, a dinner, the length of time it takes to eat dinner. If a date is going well, you can commit to it further by consuming more drinks, if it is going badly, you simply finish the drink, stand up, and walk out.

Be wasted

You should always be wasted when going on a date. There are two reasons for this. Firstly, being wasted is more fun than not being wasted in most situations and secondly, people think wasted people are cool. The reason you think you are funnier, smarter, better looking and louder when you are hammered is because you are.  Everyone you admire as being cool is, or was, wasted pretty much all the time: Keith Richards, Winston Churchill, Pete Doherty. All of them.

Dress casual

The key to a successful relationship is giving the impression that you don’t care what the other person thinks of you.  Everyone knows that heartless and aloof people are the most successful lovers. This is more than an ‘attitude’ though, it is also a look. If you try too hard, and show up wearing a tuxedo or, say, a wedding dress, the other person is going to go:

“Woah Nelly, commitment much?”

…and run a mile.  Or worse:

“Woah Nelly, stalker much?”

If you show up wearing board-shorts, scuffs, a dressing gown or just a hoodie you will attract an aura of aloof respect. Your attire can be a conversation starter, ferrying the date in the direction you wish it to go in. Allow me to illustrate:

Other Person: “So, you went with the track-pants eh”

You: *raise one eye-brow knowingly* “Easy to slip out of should one of us initiate intercourse”

Be late

As we have established, successful relationships are based on cold aloofness. One way of establishing this early on is to never be on time to meet the person you are dating. It is best if you are at least an hour late and you can cite either no reason for why, or if you cite a reason which belittles the other person:

“I was late because I was talking to a much better looking guy.”

Talk about dreams you’ve had

No one wants to hear your actual opinions on things.  All successful relationships are based on avoiding the discussion of anything substantive. Even most sorts of spider understand this. A good way of talking about nothing at all is to talk about dreams you have had recently. Dreams can be about anything and always make for lively, interesting discussion.  You can even make them up, and in doing so, turn the date in the direction you wish to take it in.  Witness:

“Last night I had a dream we Frenched hard…hint, hint.”

Subtle, but effective.

Now you know everything.