How to score

It seems these days that the ‘number three industry’, after making mobile phone apps and coal, is offering dating advice.  The problem with most of this advice is it is almost entirely low-level pop-psychology and really obvious body language tips.

The thing is, if you’d been paying attention in high school instead of doing maths problems and hiding from the Captain of the First XI, you should have picked these up for yourself. However, this is not to say that all of us don’t need a little romantic pick-me-up from time to time.

Finding oneself in the ‘Chum-zone’ with a lad or lass you want to have sex with is quite annoying, especially when you consider that you have no real problems in your life.

Not being able to move your relationship from the ‘Can I borrow the boxed set of the West Wing’ phase to the ‘Lets watch the West Wing together and do the voices’ phase can be a tough nut to crack.  Like a walnut.  A walnut of sexual tension and awkwardness.

The problem with most ‘How to date a person’ advice is it all relies on the assumption that the person you are trying to mate/date is dimmer than you are, and thus are unable to tell that you are trying to psychology them.  This is a strange assumption to make given that you are paying for advice in how to act around another human.

The long, hard fact is that most people who haven’t yet slept with you are probably smarter than you are which is how they have avoided sleeping with you up until now.  Most ‘dating advice tips’ also tend to make the assumption that you are a man, which many people are not.

Never fear though, your weblog comptroller is also a Level Seven Love Wizard with a power-up Orb of ‘Getting it On’ and he’s here to show you how to make that ‘Crush’ into a ‘Brush(ing of genitals)’. What’s more you don’t have to a man, or even male, to participate.

Power of suggestion

When people hear a word, they quite often do what that word is.  For instance, if you hear the word “car” in a sentence you will probably buy a car.  This is why car salesmen quite often say the word “car” or “automobile” when they are doing a sales pitch. You don’t hear that many of them saying “Taylor Swift” or “Jelly” in a sales pitch, unless it is to say “Taylor would be so jelly of you buying this Suzuki Swift car.”

The problem though, is just saying the word can be a bit too subtle. If you only have a few minutes in which to make the suggestion of a conjugal interlude, you may have to be a bit more direct. The key is to simply shout the suggestive term, loudly and pretty much at random, in the middle of a normal and unrelated conversation.

An example may help:

You: “It is a nice day we are having here waiting SEX!!  for the van to take us on the  ROOTING!! medieval festival.”

Now the object of your desire may be a little confused and maybe even question you on this:

Magenta (a person you like) : “Sorry, what did you say? What was all that weird shouting?”

But now the seeds of suggestion are planted in Magenta’s brain and they will fertilise slowly from here on in.  It is actually best now for you to deny you even shouted anything at all, and look at Magenta as if she’s a bit odd:

You: “What weird shouting? KISSING!! You are probably mistaken because of taking bath salts or something.”

Create mystery and create demand

Have you ever stared out the window watching the storm clouds roll in over the bay and wondered how Phil Collins could marry not one but several women? I know I have.

I mean he writes whiny songs about his exes so the next wife must know the same thing will happen to her, right? Well, I did used to wonder this quite a bit.

I say did because now I know why people kept marrying Phil Collins. He was a man of mystery and he created demand for the ‘Phil Collins brand’.

He pretty much pioneered the stark electronic drum-kit sound synonymous with so much of how we remember the eighties; he thus created demand. Not only was he in demand, but you never knew when a new Phil Collins record would come out, or quite often where he was quite a lot of the time.

Maybe a record every several years, and maybe he’s in the kitchen.

Maybe not one for ten years and maybe he’s on the roof.

Mystery.

You need to be like Phil Collins. I mean, not entirely, but in this very specific way.

Create a sense of mystery around what you are doing.  When your ‘coital mark’ asks where you are going, allude to somewhere very strange, but be vague enough not to have to actually lie.  Make out you have other people who want to be in your company, especially other potential suitors.

Let me illustrate point with an example:

Gwylim (a person you are keen on): “I am thinking of going to that anti-water fluoridation rally later on, are you going to go to that?”

You: “Maaaaaaybe…” Now you look at your watch… You: “Is that the time, I have to go and sort that, well, you know, things to do people to see…and maybe…kiss.”

Leave it hanging on kiss.

Gwylim: “Oh yeah, what are you up to?”

Now you just burst into a maniacal cackle and walk off briskly muttering safe in the knowledge you have created both mystery as to what you are doing and an allusion to other people who demand your time. Your sexy time.

Disrupt social patterns

The thing about the attractive and the desirable of our species, and indeed most species, is they have a lot of social engagements with a lot of people.

You may be chums with the ‘the one you thirst for’ and you may well hang out frequently and do the normal day-to-day social things with them but you can bet your last whisky dollar that this person does a lot of the same things with a lot of people. Many of those people will be funnier and smarter and less of a dick than you.

You can’t, or up to this point won’t, make yourself funnier, smarter or less of a dick so you need a Plan B. If you can’t make the company (you) stand out, make the event stand out.

Instead of going to the movies, suggest playing lawn-bowls in a car-park. Instead of going to a cafe or bar, suggest drinking beers in a car-park. Instead of going to a goose farm, suggest stealing road cones and arranging them in a car-park.

Soon the ‘apple of your eye’ will associate you with doing exciting and interesting things, and they may take a second look at you, over-look your many shortcomings and consider moving things to the next level.

Peacocking 

As well as disrupting your routine, at some point you need to disrupt everyone’s perceptions of you. A way to do this is what is often referred to as ‘peacocking.’

Invite that ‘hot thang’ out to a fun car-park drinking session but tell him to meet you there much earlier than you intend to show up.

As well as creating mystery, you will also be buying yourself some time to break into his house and release a peacock into his bedroom.  A peacock is best because it correlates with the title of this section but any big, easily spooked, and destructive bird will do. Maybe a goose from one of those trips to the goose farm you used to do.

Then you show up at the car-park. He’ll be wondering where you’ve been but he’ll be impressed at how little regard you have for his time. Do your platonic but slightly quirky social thing and then he goes home.

What happens next is a sure fire winner and best illustrated by an example:

Your phone buzzes hotly in your pocket. You see it is Terrance, the one you burn for. Answer it.

Terrance: “Fuck, there’s a massive fucking peacock in my bedroom and its slashed up my duvet, and its shat everywhere!”

You smile knowingly. Don’t worry, he can’t see you; you’re on the phone.

Terrance: “I’m not going back in there, its fucking crazy. Can I ask you a favour, can I stay at yours tonight…”

dot dot dot indeed.

Fancy chippies

Chippies: The most versatile meal

Chippies are probably the most versatile meal. They are so easy to prepare that you can whip up a dish of chippies even when you are arse-faced and they contain, lets say, 98.7% of your daily nutrients.  They contain salt for energy and potato for vitamins.  There are a myriad of flavours which cover any taste or desire.  There’s even gourmet varieties like ‘Roast Duck’ and ‘Sour Cream and Chives’ for all you foodees out there.

Unlike the other good food, pork slices, chippies are vegetarian.  Even the ones that say they are things like ‘Bacon and Radish’ or ‘Fried Deer’ don’t actually have any meat in them, they just use clever meat-flavoured chemicals.  This means that if you are a vegetarian, or pretending to be a vegetarian to impress someone who is a vegetarian, you can eat chippies and you’ll be fine.

Remember, vegetarians are quite often attractive. I have never been able to work out precisely why, but I have a laboratory working on it as I type this weblog bulletin.

Lettuce: Often replaced in salads with chippies. Especially when it has a creepy water-mark on it like this lettuce does.

Chippies aren’t just a meal. Quite often at fancy parties you’ll find chippies served alongside other foods like salsa, pate, or celery.  On one occasion I even saw chippies used as a basis of a salad, replacing lettuce.

On their own chippies are the best vegetarian food but sometimes you might wish to go for something a bit fancier.  Maybe you are having a man over. Or a lady. Or maybe both.  Maybe the man is going to watch. I’m not going to judge.

Maybe your motives aren’t the accumulation of sexual conquests at all; maybe you are inviting a few colleagues over from work and you want to prove to them that you are middle-class.  Maybe you just feel like treating yourself and you don’t want to go to a restaurant because for some reason you find waiters disconcerting.

In the same way that chippies can help you sate your hunger at 4.30AM when you stumble in after a night on the razz, chippies can also help you impress a conjugal guest, win that contract, or convince your friends pork slices aren’t the only thing you eat.   Because you are sober, you will be pleasantly surprised how little of the plastic packaging you end up eating trying to open them too.

Open the packet and place the chippies in a bowl. When sober you will find that you can open a packet of chippies, even a difficult one, with your hands.  While you can still open a packet of chippies with your teeth when you haven’t imbibed, it is generally considered polite to open the packet with your hands.  To make fancy chippies place a small amount of the chippies in the bowl, in a manner similar to that pictured on your right.

Tomato sauce: The key to the taste sensation

Tomato sauce. Opening the packet with your hands and using a bowl isn’t the only thing that differentiates cordon bleu dining from a normal night at home with a packet of chicken Spuds.  The key ingredient is tomato sauce.  This turns chippies from a meal, into a taste sensation. This is why you only placed a small amount of the chippies in the bowl; you need to layer the chippies and the sauce.  Squirt the sauce in a manner similar to, but not necessarily identical to, the manner pictured on the left.

Turning the mundane, into the magnificent.

Creativity. People often say creativity is the key to turning average stuff into good, or even awesome stuff.  While this seldom applies to food, it is certainly the case with smart phones, cars, shoes, music and what order you take different drugs in.  It is our intention to turn the normally formulaic and even pointless world of food preparation into something creative, something bordering on art. You do this by adding ingredients. I like pepper and chilli powder, as pictured on the right, but you could go for mustard, cheese or even oysters.

Another layer of chippies. On top of the first layer. It’s like that movie Layer Cake.

Layer it. It’s not all fun, games, and stopping part-way through your preparation to go on Twitter; creating a great meal takes work. You’ve only done the bottom layer remember, so put down that drink and get on with it! They’ll be here in a minute and you’ve still got to do a Spotify playlist.  And all your other Spotify play-lists you have are arse. They are all full of Mumford and Sons songs and remixes of Len’s ‘Steal My Sunshine’ which you tell people you listen to ironically.

Topping it all off. You’ve done the layers of chippies, and they have sauce, and chilli, and pepper, and maybe gherkins on them but now its time to really mix it up. Time to make this meal into an experience.  One food that goes with all other foods, breakfast or otherwise, is eggs. So add a fried egg. Well, fry up an egg and then add it.  Then place the egg on top of the fancy chippies.  When you serve the meal your guest(s) will go “That’s a pretty decent meal, an egg in a bowl.  Hold up though, there’s something underneath this fried egg. I mean, the egg was enough, but…Oh my GOD!”  

They will quite literally think, if not say, exactly that. Word for word.

There is literally no way you won’t impress your guests and you will finally realise why celebrity chefs get lots of money and fame and sex despite being such total and utter fuck-wits.