Tag Archives: dreams

How to raise your baby

George Clinton once said “it takes a village to raise a child”.  In many ways the outlandishly shod funk pioneer who revolutionised dance music was right.  A child needs the experiences and wisdom of many influences. Whereas many cooks might spoil broth, a child is not a broth.  Many cooks, cook a child to perfection.

The village of today though, isn’t one of mud huts and wooden fortifications like it was in 1970s America; today’s village is the global village. The teachers of today are thus, the heaving swathes of the internet.  Today, dear readers, the best people to help your raise your child, using helpful tips, advice, and frequent reprimands, are randoms on the internet.

While the opinions of anyone who cares enough to offer them are valuable and should be cherished, the opinion of an objective figure is like a diamond. No one is more objective than a childless man because he can offer the sort of balanced, disinterested and level-headed analysis only possible by being above the fray with his nose in the air. Like a Napoleonic Napoleonic generalgeneral.  Your weblog bulletin comptroller is one such childless Napoleonic general.  I am, thus, an expert on how you should raise your children.  Sit carefully down and listen to me order the firing of some truth cannons and may you be shredded by the grapeshot of my insight about what to do with your child when it is a baby. Babies are, after-all, the most original of all the types of children.

Feed them normal adult food

There will be plenty of time for your baby to eat tasteless pureed paste when it’s dumped in a low-cost elder-care facility as a geriatric. Babies need to be socialised into normal people society quickly, lest they become weirdos who live with you well into their forties because they ‘need to get their head together’. A big part of this is with food.  Instead of weird translucent apple goo, give junior a T-bone steak. Maybe not blue to start with; start her off with medium.  She’ll be able to gum most of the nutrients out of it over five or six hours but the blood dribbling off her smile will tell you all you need to know about how much she loves it.

Never take your baby to the doctor

Millennials aren’t allergic to everything because allergies are considered trill in Pitchfork magazine, millennials are allergic to everything because they were not exposed to illness at baby level.  Taking your baby to the doctor when it is sick only prolongs the time they are not strong enough to defeat the illness with their own strength of character and will.


Babies dressed as adults isn’t just a cute affectation favoured by shut-ins who buy calendars; there’s a real developmental reason to dress your baby in a new pair of skinny jeans – their rigidity.  One of most babies’ major failings is they can’t stand up and thus they can’t walk or go out to dance parties.  Rigid denim squeezed over underdeveloped muscles act as a sort of ‘standing aid’. With a bit of balance and rigid legs, baby is standing up and it is incentivised to walk, to run and to create their future.

Do adult things

Babies learn and thrive by imitation.  What you do and say will have an immeasurable impact on how the baby will behave.  Playing nursery rhymes and singing saccharine ditties about fairies and wizards will turn your child into a progressive rock fan with a beard who thinks wizards and fairies are real.

If you are watching a violent film about real life while smoking a lovely cigarette, while it would be problematic to give the baby cigarettes, let the baby watch.  Instead of Humpty Dumpty, read baby Glamorama, which definitely actually happened. It is all part of the rich tapestry of real life that your baby will need to find its place in sooner or later.

Babies are basically people, with hopes,and dreams, and ambitions. It would be literally an abuse of property rights to stomp on your baby’s freedom by not allowing the baby to realise these dreams, or if fate is so inclined, to taste the over-salted broth of failure in trying.


Dating tips

One of the most distressing things about finding a potential mate can be interacting with them on a one on one.  Some people enjoy the cut and thrust of a vibrant date while others find the prospect daunting or boring.

In these fast-paced and sometimes stressful times, where a computer virus can destroy everything you hold dear, or a Twitter can take over the mind of a loved one, it is important that things be put in concise lists of no more than five points.  This is one such list.

A lothario of some renown, I have had relationships with upwards of two women.  I have also written several emails offering advice on relationships to people, sometimes unsolicited.  Today I give you a simple list of ‘dos’ to make dating successful, fun, and not a waste of time.

What makes this list better than the other three I have read is that it isn’t gender specific.  The advice here can be used by any or all the genders.

Go to a bar

All dates should be in bars. If at all possible, all relationships should happen entirely in bars as well, but we’ll focus for now on the date.  Bars serve alcohol for a start, which is a plus. Most importantly commitment of time for the date is broken down into manageable chunks: the length of time it takes to consume a beverage.  If you go to a movie, you are committed to the length of time it takes to watch the movie, a dinner, the length of time it takes to eat dinner. If a date is going well, you can commit to it further by consuming more drinks, if it is going badly, you simply finish the drink, stand up, and walk out.

Be wasted

You should always be wasted when going on a date. There are two reasons for this. Firstly, being wasted is more fun than not being wasted in most situations and secondly, people think wasted people are cool. The reason you think you are funnier, smarter, better looking and louder when you are hammered is because you are.  Everyone you admire as being cool is, or was, wasted pretty much all the time: Keith Richards, Winston Churchill, Pete Doherty. All of them.

Dress casual

The key to a successful relationship is giving the impression that you don’t care what the other person thinks of you.  Everyone knows that heartless and aloof people are the most successful lovers. This is more than an ‘attitude’ though, it is also a look. If you try too hard, and show up wearing a tuxedo or, say, a wedding dress, the other person is going to go:

“Woah Nelly, commitment much?”

…and run a mile.  Or worse:

“Woah Nelly, stalker much?”

If you show up wearing board-shorts, scuffs, a dressing gown or just a hoodie you will attract an aura of aloof respect. Your attire can be a conversation starter, ferrying the date in the direction you wish it to go in. Allow me to illustrate:

Other Person: “So, you went with the track-pants eh”

You: *raise one eye-brow knowingly* “Easy to slip out of should one of us initiate intercourse”

Be late

As we have established, successful relationships are based on cold aloofness. One way of establishing this early on is to never be on time to meet the person you are dating. It is best if you are at least an hour late and you can cite either no reason for why, or if you cite a reason which belittles the other person:

“I was late because I was talking to a much better looking guy.”

Talk about dreams you’ve had

No one wants to hear your actual opinions on things.  All successful relationships are based on avoiding the discussion of anything substantive. Even most sorts of spider understand this. A good way of talking about nothing at all is to talk about dreams you have had recently. Dreams can be about anything and always make for lively, interesting discussion.  You can even make them up, and in doing so, turn the date in the direction you wish to take it in.  Witness:

“Last night I had a dream we Frenched hard…hint, hint.”

Subtle, but effective.

Now you know everything.