Tag Archives: gym

Self-care

There are some terms that you simply cannot help but chuckle when you hear them. Innocent terms like ‘pulled pork’, or common phrases like ‘polishing the Kaiser’s helmet’ contain sublimated double entendres which the brain cannot ignore.  Such is the case with the term ‘self-care’. In fact the first few times I heard the term, I thought the person saying it was literally referring to the onanistic arts without even the smokescreen of a euphemism.  Of course, self-care is only partly about rubbing one off, and or out.

In order to understand the full girth of what self-care is, we must first take a look at where it came from.  Millennials, defined by science as the generation born after drugs became harmful and before computers became cool, are the tallest generation in history.  With all this height comes a lot of stress.  Millennials are thus, not only the tallest generation they are also the most anxious.

Unlike their parents, millennials are raised to see their towering stature as a ‘privilege’ which is why you don’t ever hear millennials complain. So, where as their parents’ generation might have used complaining, alongside ‘buying rental properties’ and ‘The Beatles’ as an outlet to relieve stress, Millennials prefer other outlets.

These outlets might include ‘making short and pointless ‘Vines”, ‘growing a beard’, or ‘talking about being a vegan’.  Stress relief might also might involve doing little things for one’s self that makes one’s day a little bit brighter and thus releases a little of that pent up tension.

Drinking and taking drugs

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Beer.

The most common form of self-care is still ‘getting wasted by yourself.’  Alcohol is probably the most convenient and accessible way to do this, but pretty much any intoxicating substance will do.  As long as said intoxicant moves you from the state of ‘being anxious and/or stressed’ to the state of ‘closing off, or befuddling, the parts of the brain which generate these responses to the point where the brain no longer remembers to be anxious and/or stressed’ it will enable you to do self-care.

I like to incorporate drinking into other activities to enhance the self-care capabilities of alcohol, so I sit in the dark sending cryptic text messages to people.   The sensory deprivation of the darkness, the intoxicating effects of the alcohol, and the delicate mental gymnastics of coming up with bizarre non sequiturs to text to people is like a massage for the soul.

Now, I know what you’re saying “But doesn’t this encourage dangerous behaviour?”

To this I answer: “yes”

I also hear you saying, this time in a silly high-pitched whinny: “But I get high on life”.  Well my answer to this is “No you don’t; that’s not a thing.”

So go ahead and sooth your soul and expand your mind. Expand it so widely that it expands all the way out your mouth and all over the table in KFC.

Irritating people

They say that a trouble shared is a trouble halved. Well, the same Dearest Reader, applies to anxiety and irritation.  What you’ll find is, if you are feeling a bit annoyed yourself, annoying someone will make you feel a bit better and annoying everyone will make you feel great.

Irritating people is actually very easy.  This is because most people have very thin-skins and are basically powder-kegs of explosive rage. This of course, makes it all the more fun.  The best kind of ‘irritating people’ is the sort where it isn’t instantly obvious that it is intentional.  This way, people can’t rage at you and must simply turn the rage in on themselves, seething until they develop an ulcer.  This is the best outcome because no-one punches you.

Try ‘whistling tunelessly’ – whistling is basically the most casually irritating thing you can do without props.

Try ‘making clicking sounds with your tongue on the bus’

If you live in a flat with somewhat priggish house-mates, try ‘going to the toilet with the door open’.

You could even try ‘replying to everything someone says with “really?” but in a funny voice so the person you are speaking to can’t quite work out if you’re mocking them or not’.

Twitter

We’ve already talked about masturbation, but there is actually more than one way to ‘grease the family pig’. Obviously, sexually gratifying oneself manually is a good time and all, but what about the Choking the Chicken…of the mind?

We have discussed Twitter, or ‘cheep-cheep’ as it is often known, in a previous weblog bulletin but not in depth and we didn’t discuss strategies for using it.

Rather than using Twitter to read about important things babyboomers are doing, or keeping abreast of the latest pop music, Millennials seldom look at the ‘timeline’ area of Twitter at all; instead they simply stare at their own profiles while posting things as they come to mind.    This release acts as a type of self-care in both the double and single entendre senses of the term.  These are the three main ways to use Twitter for self care:

Non-specifically Positive Tweets referring to real, imagined or anticipated but equally non-specific achievements. Such as finding a sex partner or swimming with dolphins

Non-specifically Positive Tweets referring to real, imagined or anticipated but equally non-specific achievements. Such as finding a sex partner or swimming with dolphins

Equally non-specific vague and cryptic Tweets designed to hint at menace but not really . Designed to make real or imagined enemies or people who corrected your grammar ask "was it something *I* did?"

Equally non-specific vague and cryptic Tweets designed to hint at menace but not really . Designed to make real or imagined enemies or people who corrected your grammar ask “was it something *I* did?”

Tweets telling everyone still up that you are going to quit Twitter. You have better things to do. Etc. And you'll really do it this time.

Tweets telling everyone still up that you are going to quit Twitter. You have better things to do. Etc. And you’ll really do it this time.

Go to the gym

It’s 4AM, everything is shut, but there’s a vending machine at the gym.  They have those weird biscuits you like. Well, you don’t like them per se, but you will eat them.

 

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Getting fit

Fitness is extremely important. In prehistoric times people who had defined abdominal muscles were the most valued members of a tribe because they could survive being charged by a triceratops and not get winded.

Since the earliest times, human mating rituals have been based around feats of physical strength. Mayan men would determine the pedigree of a female companion based on how many leg lifts she could do with, lets say, a log.

The earliest recorded ‘Beep Test’, in ancient Rome, was designed so that the wealthy and powerful heiress to an amphora manufacturing fortune could choose a suitable husband.  Wealth and prowess on the battlefield were seen as of scanty importance next to a potential suitor’s being able to run between two arbitrarily defined points, in ever decreasing units of time, measured by beeps.  Except, yeah, they wouldn’t have been ‘beeps’ as much as ‘the chiming of a small bronze bell’.  Yeah.

Even in modern times it is no accident that world leaders in most countries are required to bench-press at least 200 lbs before they can take office; lifting large things, even largely pointless things, is important.

Since earliest times then, being fit has been both prized by society and pivotal in attracting a human mate. For sex with.

The problem is that in our hurly-burly modern world of Twitter and interesting TV shows that last for literally years, it is hard to find the time to exercise.  It is estimated that New Zealand will soon slip to sixth place in the OECD for ‘Ability to hold heavy things above our heads’ and as low as twelfth in ‘Cycling for ages on a stationary bicycle-thing’.

These statistics are frightening, but there is something we can all do.  Even those of us diagnosed, by doctors and stuff, as lazy.

I am here to give some top tips for staying in shape for people who can’t be arsed actually doing hard, sweaty exercise and too cheap to do Pilates or yoga.

Keep gym equipment near the TV

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Gym equipment near the TV: I’m not a douche

The television is the most important focal point of any home. People do all their eating, all their playing with their iPhone, and most of their sitting, in front of the TV, so it pays to have gym equipment sitting near it as a motivation to work out.  As you get up to go to the lavatory, or feed the cat, or have a cigarette out of the window you will occasionally pick up a dumb-bell and languidly lift it up and down a few times.  You are half way there already.

Visible living room gym equipment is also a very good way of determining the value of a sexual partner.  If you bring a ‘special friend’ home and they don’t remark on how much of a total dick you are for having loads of gym equipment in your lounge, definitely don’t sleep with them.  Having gym equipment out for the world to see is the sort of dick move that only a truly soulless and horrid person would think is normal.  If you don’t cut and run now, you might find out later that they believe in the tenets of ‘The Secret’ or that they buy ‘compilations’ of music on CD designed around moods or days of the week.

Always be sitting on a Swiss Ball IMG_0317[1]

Literally the easiest way you can get totally fit is by sitting on a Swiss ball.  Just by sitting down at your computer, or eating a bargain bucket in front of Girls you will be becoming fit.  Sitting on a Swiss ball activates your core which in turn causes fitness. Its basic science.

Wear gym clothes everywhere

If you are always seen walking purposefully wearing a track-suit and trainers people will assume that you are off to the gym and thus, that you are actively getting fit in a mainstream manner.  In doing this, you are walking purposefully which is in itself, a sort of exercise.  This is where the common idiom ‘The world is my gym’ comes from.  Yes, granted, it is usually said by woefully unfit people, but enough storming from place to place hurriedly will give you much needed leg fitness.

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Nike Air Max: An estimated 7 billion pairs were stolen during the London Riots of 2010

This method of getting fit is so common that an entire type of sports shoe has been invented for the purpose: the cross trainer.  There is actually no such thing as ‘cross training’ – the shoe is entirely for walking around as if you are off to do actual fitness stuff. The Nike Air Max (pictured) was first designed as a shoe for running away from the police in horrific housing estates, but later adopted by people wishing to look like they exercise but really sit around playing video-games and occasionally going to nightclubs.

So there you have it, fitness without much changing your sedentary lifestyle. Choice.