Tag Archives: millennials

Self-care

There are some terms that you simply cannot help but chuckle when you hear them. Innocent terms like ‘pulled pork’, or common phrases like ‘polishing the Kaiser’s helmet’ contain sublimated double entendres which the brain cannot ignore.  Such is the case with the term ‘self-care’. In fact the first few times I heard the term, I thought the person saying it was literally referring to the onanistic arts without even the smokescreen of a euphemism.  Of course, self-care is only partly about rubbing one off, and or out.

In order to understand the full girth of what self-care is, we must first take a look at where it came from.  Millennials, defined by science as the generation born after drugs became harmful and before computers became cool, are the tallest generation in history.  With all this height comes a lot of stress.  Millennials are thus, not only the tallest generation they are also the most anxious.

Unlike their parents, millennials are raised to see their towering stature as a ‘privilege’ which is why you don’t ever hear millennials complain. So, where as their parents’ generation might have used complaining, alongside ‘buying rental properties’ and ‘The Beatles’ as an outlet to relieve stress, Millennials prefer other outlets.

These outlets might include ‘making short and pointless ‘Vines”, ‘growing a beard’, or ‘talking about being a vegan’.  Stress relief might also might involve doing little things for one’s self that makes one’s day a little bit brighter and thus releases a little of that pent up tension.

Drinking and taking drugs

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Beer.

The most common form of self-care is still ‘getting wasted by yourself.’  Alcohol is probably the most convenient and accessible way to do this, but pretty much any intoxicating substance will do.  As long as said intoxicant moves you from the state of ‘being anxious and/or stressed’ to the state of ‘closing off, or befuddling, the parts of the brain which generate these responses to the point where the brain no longer remembers to be anxious and/or stressed’ it will enable you to do self-care.

I like to incorporate drinking into other activities to enhance the self-care capabilities of alcohol, so I sit in the dark sending cryptic text messages to people.   The sensory deprivation of the darkness, the intoxicating effects of the alcohol, and the delicate mental gymnastics of coming up with bizarre non sequiturs to text to people is like a massage for the soul.

Now, I know what you’re saying “But doesn’t this encourage dangerous behaviour?”

To this I answer: “yes”

I also hear you saying, this time in a silly high-pitched whinny: “But I get high on life”.  Well my answer to this is “No you don’t; that’s not a thing.”

So go ahead and sooth your soul and expand your mind. Expand it so widely that it expands all the way out your mouth and all over the table in KFC.

Irritating people

They say that a trouble shared is a trouble halved. Well, the same Dearest Reader, applies to anxiety and irritation.  What you’ll find is, if you are feeling a bit annoyed yourself, annoying someone will make you feel a bit better and annoying everyone will make you feel great.

Irritating people is actually very easy.  This is because most people have very thin-skins and are basically powder-kegs of explosive rage. This of course, makes it all the more fun.  The best kind of ‘irritating people’ is the sort where it isn’t instantly obvious that it is intentional.  This way, people can’t rage at you and must simply turn the rage in on themselves, seething until they develop an ulcer.  This is the best outcome because no-one punches you.

Try ‘whistling tunelessly’ – whistling is basically the most casually irritating thing you can do without props.

Try ‘making clicking sounds with your tongue on the bus’

If you live in a flat with somewhat priggish house-mates, try ‘going to the toilet with the door open’.

You could even try ‘replying to everything someone says with “really?” but in a funny voice so the person you are speaking to can’t quite work out if you’re mocking them or not’.

Twitter

We’ve already talked about masturbation, but there is actually more than one way to ‘grease the family pig’. Obviously, sexually gratifying oneself manually is a good time and all, but what about the Choking the Chicken…of the mind?

We have discussed Twitter, or ‘cheep-cheep’ as it is often known, in a previous weblog bulletin but not in depth and we didn’t discuss strategies for using it.

Rather than using Twitter to read about important things babyboomers are doing, or keeping abreast of the latest pop music, Millennials seldom look at the ‘timeline’ area of Twitter at all; instead they simply stare at their own profiles while posting things as they come to mind.    This release acts as a type of self-care in both the double and single entendre senses of the term.  These are the three main ways to use Twitter for self care:

Non-specifically Positive Tweets referring to real, imagined or anticipated but equally non-specific achievements. Such as finding a sex partner or swimming with dolphins

Non-specifically Positive Tweets referring to real, imagined or anticipated but equally non-specific achievements. Such as finding a sex partner or swimming with dolphins

Equally non-specific vague and cryptic Tweets designed to hint at menace but not really . Designed to make real or imagined enemies or people who corrected your grammar ask "was it something *I* did?"

Equally non-specific vague and cryptic Tweets designed to hint at menace but not really . Designed to make real or imagined enemies or people who corrected your grammar ask “was it something *I* did?”

Tweets telling everyone still up that you are going to quit Twitter. You have better things to do. Etc. And you'll really do it this time.

Tweets telling everyone still up that you are going to quit Twitter. You have better things to do. Etc. And you’ll really do it this time.

Go to the gym

It’s 4AM, everything is shut, but there’s a vending machine at the gym.  They have those weird biscuits you like. Well, you don’t like them per se, but you will eat them.

 

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How to raise your baby

George Clinton once said “it takes a village to raise a child”.  In many ways the outlandishly shod funk pioneer who revolutionised dance music was right.  A child needs the experiences and wisdom of many influences. Whereas many cooks might spoil broth, a child is not a broth.  Many cooks, cook a child to perfection.

The village of today though, isn’t one of mud huts and wooden fortifications like it was in 1970s America; today’s village is the global village. The teachers of today are thus, the heaving swathes of the internet.  Today, dear readers, the best people to help your raise your child, using helpful tips, advice, and frequent reprimands, are randoms on the internet.

While the opinions of anyone who cares enough to offer them are valuable and should be cherished, the opinion of an objective figure is like a diamond. No one is more objective than a childless man because he can offer the sort of balanced, disinterested and level-headed analysis only possible by being above the fray with his nose in the air. Like a Napoleonic Napoleonic generalgeneral.  Your weblog bulletin comptroller is one such childless Napoleonic general.  I am, thus, an expert on how you should raise your children.  Sit carefully down and listen to me order the firing of some truth cannons and may you be shredded by the grapeshot of my insight about what to do with your child when it is a baby. Babies are, after-all, the most original of all the types of children.

Feed them normal adult food

There will be plenty of time for your baby to eat tasteless pureed paste when it’s dumped in a low-cost elder-care facility as a geriatric. Babies need to be socialised into normal people society quickly, lest they become weirdos who live with you well into their forties because they ‘need to get their head together’. A big part of this is with food.  Instead of weird translucent apple goo, give junior a T-bone steak. Maybe not blue to start with; start her off with medium.  She’ll be able to gum most of the nutrients out of it over five or six hours but the blood dribbling off her smile will tell you all you need to know about how much she loves it.

Never take your baby to the doctor

Millennials aren’t allergic to everything because allergies are considered trill in Pitchfork magazine, millennials are allergic to everything because they were not exposed to illness at baby level.  Taking your baby to the doctor when it is sick only prolongs the time they are not strong enough to defeat the illness with their own strength of character and will.

Jeans

Babies dressed as adults isn’t just a cute affectation favoured by shut-ins who buy calendars; there’s a real developmental reason to dress your baby in a new pair of skinny jeans – their rigidity.  One of most babies’ major failings is they can’t stand up and thus they can’t walk or go out to dance parties.  Rigid denim squeezed over underdeveloped muscles act as a sort of ‘standing aid’. With a bit of balance and rigid legs, baby is standing up and it is incentivised to walk, to run and to create their future.

Do adult things

Babies learn and thrive by imitation.  What you do and say will have an immeasurable impact on how the baby will behave.  Playing nursery rhymes and singing saccharine ditties about fairies and wizards will turn your child into a progressive rock fan with a beard who thinks wizards and fairies are real.

If you are watching a violent film about real life while smoking a lovely cigarette, while it would be problematic to give the baby cigarettes, let the baby watch.  Instead of Humpty Dumpty, read baby Glamorama, which definitely actually happened. It is all part of the rich tapestry of real life that your baby will need to find its place in sooner or later.

Babies are basically people, with hopes,and dreams, and ambitions. It would be literally an abuse of property rights to stomp on your baby’s freedom by not allowing the baby to realise these dreams, or if fate is so inclined, to taste the over-salted broth of failure in trying.