Tag Archives: monetise

How to raise your baby

George Clinton once said “it takes a village to raise a child”.  In many ways the outlandishly shod funk pioneer who revolutionised dance music was right.  A child needs the experiences and wisdom of many influences. Whereas many cooks might spoil broth, a child is not a broth.  Many cooks, cook a child to perfection.

The village of today though, isn’t one of mud huts and wooden fortifications like it was in 1970s America; today’s village is the global village. The teachers of today are thus, the heaving swathes of the internet.  Today, dear readers, the best people to help your raise your child, using helpful tips, advice, and frequent reprimands, are randoms on the internet.

While the opinions of anyone who cares enough to offer them are valuable and should be cherished, the opinion of an objective figure is like a diamond. No one is more objective than a childless man because he can offer the sort of balanced, disinterested and level-headed analysis only possible by being above the fray with his nose in the air. Like a Napoleonic Napoleonic generalgeneral.  Your weblog bulletin comptroller is one such childless Napoleonic general.  I am, thus, an expert on how you should raise your children.  Sit carefully down and listen to me order the firing of some truth cannons and may you be shredded by the grapeshot of my insight about what to do with your child when it is a baby. Babies are, after-all, the most original of all the types of children.

Feed them normal adult food

There will be plenty of time for your baby to eat tasteless pureed paste when it’s dumped in a low-cost elder-care facility as a geriatric. Babies need to be socialised into normal people society quickly, lest they become weirdos who live with you well into their forties because they ‘need to get their head together’. A big part of this is with food.  Instead of weird translucent apple goo, give junior a T-bone steak. Maybe not blue to start with; start her off with medium.  She’ll be able to gum most of the nutrients out of it over five or six hours but the blood dribbling off her smile will tell you all you need to know about how much she loves it.

Never take your baby to the doctor

Millennials aren’t allergic to everything because allergies are considered trill in Pitchfork magazine, millennials are allergic to everything because they were not exposed to illness at baby level.  Taking your baby to the doctor when it is sick only prolongs the time they are not strong enough to defeat the illness with their own strength of character and will.

Jeans

Babies dressed as adults isn’t just a cute affectation favoured by shut-ins who buy calendars; there’s a real developmental reason to dress your baby in a new pair of skinny jeans – their rigidity.  One of most babies’ major failings is they can’t stand up and thus they can’t walk or go out to dance parties.  Rigid denim squeezed over underdeveloped muscles act as a sort of ‘standing aid’. With a bit of balance and rigid legs, baby is standing up and it is incentivised to walk, to run and to create their future.

Do adult things

Babies learn and thrive by imitation.  What you do and say will have an immeasurable impact on how the baby will behave.  Playing nursery rhymes and singing saccharine ditties about fairies and wizards will turn your child into a progressive rock fan with a beard who thinks wizards and fairies are real.

If you are watching a violent film about real life while smoking a lovely cigarette, while it would be problematic to give the baby cigarettes, let the baby watch.  Instead of Humpty Dumpty, read baby Glamorama, which definitely actually happened. It is all part of the rich tapestry of real life that your baby will need to find its place in sooner or later.

Babies are basically people, with hopes,and dreams, and ambitions. It would be literally an abuse of property rights to stomp on your baby’s freedom by not allowing the baby to realise these dreams, or if fate is so inclined, to taste the over-salted broth of failure in trying.

Social media

Social media is important.  Quite often you’ll be at a meeting and someone will say “blah, blah, blah social media presence” or “Blah blah, blah, stop arsing about on Facebook we are discussing pivot tables!”

If you don’t understand social media all that conversation will sound like to you is “blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah” and you’ll look like an idiot, even though you are wearing a tie or a nice dress.

But what is social media? Well, it’s similar to computers, which we discussed way back in the mists of time. But it’s not computers. Social media is on computers but it is also on your phone. Whereas computers are on desks and some people take them on the bus, computers aren’t on phones.  It is like the media, but whereas the regular media is on the telly or the newspaper or jostling politicians, social media isn’t on any of those things.  It’s on computers and phones.

I can see you are getting confused.  This is because it is confusing. Then so is knowing what to do with a hot-air balloon and we covered on this weblog. So stay focused because your weblog author is, what the trendy kids say ‘A social media kaiser’.

Learn what the things of social media are and get them.

Social media isn’t actually a thing. You can’t walk into a shop, even a flash one or a technology one, and ask for “one social media please”. You’ll get punched, or at very least sneered at derisively because you are clearly not up with the play about the fact that social media is actually a high level name for Facebook, MySpace, Bebo, Friendster, Twitter and Google +. You have to ask for those things if you want to ask for some social medias. Don’t be an idiot.

Learn the lingo.

In the spirit of the age I used the term ‘lingo’ instead of ‘language’ or ‘vernacular’.  In the twenty-first century and to a lesser extent the twentieth and the nineteenth, buzz-words are the new knowledge and language.  Social media is full of buzz-words and slang. Saying ‘social media’ itself is a bit ‘square’ – you should call it ‘social meeds’ or ‘s-meeds’ even.  There are literally trilliosn of slang terms and buzzwords in s-meeds but here are the main ones:

Twitter – ‘Twitts’, ‘T-wit’, ‘the Blue Bird of talking’, ‘140 yo’ and ‘cheep-cheep’

Facebook – ‘Facies’ (never call it ‘Facetime’ however, that is another computer thing) ‘F-Bomb’ ‘The Blue Monkey’, ‘Winklevosses Lament’ and ‘FaceMethamphatamine’

Google + – You never have to talk about Google +

LOL – is something you add to insulting statements to passive-aggressively make a person think you were joking

: ) – shows the social media viewer you are a moron or temporary incapacitated

ROFL-copter – is pretty much what it sounds like it is.

Attract acquaintances

The currency of social media is people looking at the stuff you post. The more people doing that, the more social media important you become. In order to get people to look at your social medias on the regular you need them to ‘like’, ‘follow’, ‘friend’ or ‘engorge’ you on one or more of the social media platforms.

“What’s the best way to do this?” hear you ask yourself, shielding your face from view with a manila folder?

Well, I’ll tell you.

Say inflammatory things

The best way to get attention is to say something offensive. It is best because it is far and away the easiest. Being inflammatory actually works best when there is little to no basis to what you are saying because there is no chance anyone else will come along and agree with you and make your point better than you did.

This is why you would say “Adam roots fruit” rather than “I don’t really like Adam’s reductive views on the causes of the Great Depression” – the first point is shorter, catchier and in no way in need of qualification. The latter is longer and probably needs to be explained.

Politics and Religion

Much like saying inflammatory things, making statements on social meeds about politics and religion are polarising, get people’s attention, need little to no qualification and have the added benefit, just by virtue of your venturing an opinion, of sounding clever.

“The thing about the left is they tend to take an over simplified view of the economic mechanisms behind a sophisticated modern economy”

That statement up there, sounds very clever. But get this: I MADE IT UP OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD. It took LITERALLY three seconds. It took actually longer to TYPE than to think!

“The Republicans have been sliding towards an Armageddon of polarisation since, well, for a generation”

Ditto.

Very personal shares

Sharing way too much of yourself is to social media what car/pug/Hitler pictures are to the internet at large – the ultimate milkshake that brings the sympathy boys and/or girls to the emotional yard.

At its heart social media is about you; your foot-print on the internet. No-one wants to see the self-satisfied, neatly-cobbled brogue-print of shit-togetherness: boooooring!

People want the rubbed red raw barefoot of dysfunction. The break-up, the drunken arse picture, the long diatribe about how no-one respects you at work. How hard university is. That is the stuff of social media legend!

Bragging

Social media however, is a polarised place. On the one hand, no-one wants to know how great your day at work was and how much you love your colleagues; they want to know how much smarter you are than the idiots you work with, how much your job is beneath you, and how much you ate a spider by accident. On the other hand, however, they also want to know about how much better your life is than theirs is. Self-satisfaction is a snore, but self-aggrandisement is a loud, cocaine-lobster-bisque-and-Congac-fuelled cheer.

Flash holidays, photos with celebrities, jewellery, animals you’ve shot, performance cars you don’t actually own, or bags of drugs. Talk about your sexual conquests in great and licentious detail. Always, repeat, always brag about how much you drunk and never, ever talk about being home on a Friday or inside on a day deemed sunny enough to be outside.

So, that is basically it for s-meeds. Go forth and function.

How to get rich. Part Two

Continued, oddly enough, from ‘Part one’ 

Sort of invent something but not really

Now, I can hear you sitting there saying: “But he said at the beginning of this weblog bulletin that innovation was hard”

Well, to you I say: “Shut up you dingus. What I meant by ‘innovation’ was real innovation; actually coming up with something ground-breaking or useful. What I mean here is coat-tailing a useful development with a largely pointless knick-knack and monetising it. God you’re a muppet, really, just, stop, okay.”

You’d probably then say: “Okay dude, chillax to the max, I was just saying. Take a chill-pill and cool your jets brosif.”

To which I’d say: “You’re right, that was an overreacting. I’m sorry, but my point is…”

…of course real innovation is hard, but using someone else’s innovation making a minor ‘value-add’ to it that is probably unnecessary and then selling it is a good way to make it rain.

Make it rain money.

For every Thomas Edison, Karl Benz and Marie Curie there are a thousand other people who see a brilliant idea, slap an offensive slogan, and before they know it you have a massive Money Tree growing in their back yard*.  That they never need to water. A Money Cactus.

Someone else invented the potato chip, you invent a new FLAVOUR of potato chip.

Someone else invented spirituous liquors, you COMBINE said liquors in a FLOURESCENT CAN.

Someone else invented the t-shirt, you invent printing ‘Amy’s Winehouse’ ON t-shirts and selling them.

I came up with those, like, very quickly. It’s easy.

You need to find your own offensive, socially irresponsible snack food product.

Live at home with your parents forever

Let’s boil this all down to brass tacks: you need to ask yourself what it is about being rich that is desirable.  Now, some of you might say “wealth is a means of keeping score on my personal achievement” and others of you may say that wealth creation enables you to go and do great things, help people, and make a difference.

Both of these things are wrong.

Basically you want to be rich so you don’t have to worry about money. You want to have enough money they you can do something other than work or attend the sort of parties where you have to network.

While being actually rich with money is the best way to make this happen, there are ways of simulating being rich that don’t involve you having very much, if any, money at all.  You can live the rich lifestyle of getting smashed all day and sitting around in your undies playing video-games, and effectively have a servant, or servants plural, simply by never leaving home.

People that live at home with their parents, parent, or sponge off of any other well-meaning family member their entire life are effectively rich because they have everything a rich person has without needing money.

Not only this but any dollar they do acquire from writing weblogs or delivering flyers two days a week has a greater real value than the dollar we make because it doesn’t need to go towards rent, utilities or fixing our own toaster. It can be spent on rich person stuff like a sweet, sweet ride with mad subs in it, or a thirty piece drum-kit.  There is a fine line here though: most adults who live at home with their parents, or parent, want to be independent, get a job and support themselves. You need to differentiate yourself from this majority because otherwise mum will always be on your case about moving out.

No, you have to make it clear that you aren’t even trying.   Then they’ll give up and accept you’re there forever. Like a couch.

Far from ridiculing people who live with their mum well into their twenties, thirties, forties or even fifties; we should revere them as we revere the aristocrats of old.  They are rich without even needing money.  The only problem is if it ends, but I’ll let you in on a little secret: if your mum and/or dad will let you live at home until you are 25 and you haven’t even tried to become independent, they’ll basically let you live with them forever.

Really, this is what it is all about Dear Weblog readers.

That and getting mum to make you cheese toasties whenever man.

 

 

 

*Note: I know I referenced Marie Curie, but please don’t make your idea “Putting an Offensive Slogan on Penicillin” – that idea is more confusing than anything else.

How to get rich. Part One.

Quite often you hear people say “Money isn’t everything” or “I don’t care about how much money she has, I like her emerald green eyes” or even “I hate this money”.

The problem is, only one of these statements is correct when taken in context: Sure, he likes her eyes but as much as seven BMWs? Doubtful

Sure, she hates that money, but what she hates about it, is that it is covered in last night’s lasagne. She is not making a wider socio-economic point; she is merely annoyed someone spilled Italian food all over her purse. Don’t jump to conclusions. It’s nothing a bit of money laundering won’t fix.

Money isn’t everything, but it is loads of things.

The problem with money is it is quite sought after. After ‘stylish hair’ and ‘diamonds’ it is probably the most sought after thing.  Like all sought after things, there is a hard way to get lots of it; to become, in effect, ‘rich with money’.  This hard way includes hard work and thrift, clever and calculated risk, creative innovation or inventing a mobile phone app.  Like everything we focus on in the weblog, there is also an easy way. Or several easy ways.  Let’s say, four.

Now the feedback I have received for this weblog has tended to fall into two distinct categories:  “You’re shit” and “You’re amazing, but your weblog communiqués are too bleedin’ long!”

So I have decided to ignore the first kind of feedback and, at least while I remember, take the second kind on board.

So this is part one. Part two will be the second part, a timeframe after part one.

Inherit money

This is the easiest way to become rich.  It is also what happens to most money: it moves from one relative to the next. You don’t even have to do anything.

This is why people who inherit money are always the most highly respected people in any culture: everyone else makes a big flippin’ deal about money, saying “Oh look how hard I’m working” or “Oh, I don’t have enough money for boat shoes” but they just cruise on in and are all “Hey, I’m totally chill, want to go to the yacht club or something”. And they say it in a posh voice.

Because they aren’t forced to work or do inventing, people who inherit money are free to do as they will: which is mainly ‘get totally smashed’, ‘play arcane sports only they know the rules to’ and ‘hard bondage’.

The problem is most people don’t have parents wealthy enough for them to live solely off of inherited wealth. Some may get something later in life and some may assume they will only to get a massive shock (See also: mooching off of your parents well into your thirties).

For most of us, we can only dream of being eccentric, drinking ourselves to death in a penthouse apartment, or attending cocaine and amyl nitrated-soaked masque orgies.

Do crime

Whoever said to you that crime doesn’t pay was filling your head with poppycock. Crime most certainly does pay.  Look at the Mafia, and people who make Mafia themed movies and television.

Of course, like most things you have to apply a degree of nous to doing crime.  Not all crimes pay so it pays to focus on crimes that do. Drunkenly stumbling around kicking rubbish bins is ‘crime’ but it also very difficult to monetise. Not impossible, but difficult. Stealing diamonds or priceless works of art however, do pay: you get some diamonds and priceless works of art and you don’t have to pay anything for them. One hundred per cent profit.

The key in crime is ambition: don’t just steal a Cherry Ripe bar; they are gross and not very valuable. Steal a house.

Criminals are respected in modern society: just look around at men’s fashion.  Everyone is wearing ‘hoodies’, ‘backward baseball caps’, ‘baggy 1930’s pin-stripe suits’ and ‘black leather bomber jackets with ‘crime’ emblazoned on the back’.

Dot. Dot. Dot. *suspenseful music playing. Like, classical, or opera or Muse or something*

And here is Part Two. I told you there’d be another part didn’t I. Ye of little faith.