Tag Archives: sex

Asking about sex (part two)

In the previous weblog communique we covered that a good way to acquire sex is to mask fairly straightforward intentions beneath a creative layer of euphemism. We demonstrated three of the most common sexual metaphors to use in this euphemism: business metaphors, sports metaphors and historical/animal metaphors. (Note, other useful metaphors for sex include ‘Car/sex metaphors’, ‘Alcohol or drugs/sex metaphors’ and ‘Anti-Vaccination Movement/sex metaphors’).  The problem with euphemism is in order to engage in delicate ballet dance of suggestive meaning you probably have to be familiar with the person you are talking to.  Simply walking up to a stranger and saying “Want to come back to my musty basement and share anti-science conspiracies?” is likely to make that stranger think you are so weird that they’ll probably not bother to even attempt to decipher your lustful code. If the object of your thirstful desire is a complete stranger you are going to have to actually introduce yourself. This, however, can be a fertile garden in which to plant the seeds of licentious promise.

Be unusual

Former U.S Secretary of State Henry Kissenger once said “If you can’t be interesting or clever, be weird” and he knew a thing or two about all three of those things as the man who normalised relations between the U.S and communist China if you get my drift. Which you almost certainly don’t. The thing is, leaving a lasting impression by being slightly odd works for good looking, pleasant and interesting people as well.  Introductory conversation is such a fecund area for being slightly off the wall because by and large it is formulaic and boring.  Most introductory conversations begin with someone giving their name and inquiring of the other person’s name.  They will often then ask “what do you do?” or “why are you here?” which, while the information these questions furnish can be useful it is not exactly a memorable line of inquiry.  You may remember the answers were, respectively, ‘Nancy’, ‘new media’ and ‘I got the wrong bus’ but it is unlikely Nancy remembers vividly the questions you asked.  Instead of the boring old ‘name/job/reason’ trifecta try instead:

“What cheese do you like?”

“Have you been to France?”

“Do you prefer The Smiths or the colour green?”

“Where did you get that impressive top hat?” (This really only works as an interesting question if the person you approach and ask isn’t wearing a top hat. It is best if they aren’t wearing any hat at all: there’s a fine line between ‘interesting’ and ‘coming off as too stupid to correctly identify types of hat’)

It isn’t actually necessary to ask a question by way of introduction at all; the point is not to acquire information about the apple of your coital eye it is to make them think ‘Well, she was a bit smelly but she was certainly intriguing’.  Simply walk up to the stranger and say something slightly unusual.

“I like rugby league”

“It’s disputed how much time Hannibal spent in Asia Minor.”

“Cake is better than biscuits except for red velvet cake which is not as good as biscuits”

Now, it is important to add at this point that this approach walks a bit of a knife-edge between ‘amusingly quirky’ and either ‘out-there strange’ or ‘probably on drugs’. While people on drugs are definitely interesting and quirky, and you can add to that list the other qualities of edgy and cool, but they are usually also temporary. If she suspects you are on drugs she will likely be thinking ‘Well he’s interesting and cool and edgy now, but what if the ketamine wears off and he asks me something lame like what my job is?’ and you don’t want that.

You also don’t want to go so far as to attempt to wear anything to appear interesting. The cold, hard, aroused fact of the matter is people don’t actually like people who wear ‘unusual clothes’ or ‘have signature facial hair’.  The guy who wears golf shoes and a Kaiser Wilhelm mustache to the party usually goes home from said party alone. No matter how wacky they are, clothes all look the same when they are crumpled on the floor next to the bed, car or lavatory.

END OF PART TWO

How many times have you heard someone say “I’d rather die than give a speech” or “If you don’t MC my wedding I will kill you”? I know I have heard these, and variations of these comments many, many times.  Somewhere along the line ‘public speaking’ and ‘death’ become intrinsically linked.  It is almost common belief that there is a certain level of ‘being embarrassed’ where you will actually kick the bucket and that this can be triggered by having to make a wedding toast.

Of course, despite people’s morbid fear of standing up and prattling off a few anecdotes it is an exaggeration – like saying you ‘love’ your car, you’re a caffeine ‘addict’ or that you ‘literally want to shag’ your internet service provider – strip away the hyperbole and you’ll realise the link between speech-making and shuffling off of this mortal coil is a grossly inflated untruth.

Sure, some people have died as a result of making speeches – notably, U.S President William Henry Harrison died a month after taking office as a result of making an inauguration speech so meandering and verbose he caught pneumonia in the process. The thing was though, Harrison actually enjoyed making speeches. He wasn’t the vaguest bit embarrassed at all. He liked making speeches so much he forgot to wear a coat. So really the only evidence there is that making a speech will kill you is if you enjoy doing it so much you forget to dress yourself.

President William Henry Harrison: So long-winded he died of pneumonia

President William Henry Harrison: So long-winded he died of pneumonia

Not only will you not actually leave the mortal realm simply because you feel a bit shamed, making speeches is really, really easy; you just need one or two ‘templates’ up your sleeve and you’ll be ‘Pulling a Harrison’ (Making speeches, not dying of pneumonia) without ‘totally Harrisoning out’ (dying, not making speeches).

Tell a Risqué Story

When you were at high school, the most interesting people were always the people who had ripping tales about getting ripped in the weekend or had ribald tales of sexual conquest.  In this, like in most areas of life; nothing has changed since high school. The Falstaffian Sex conquistadors of our society are always the most interesting because of the tales that they tell.

One of the advantages to telling a risqué story in a speech is, due to societal mores, you are supposed to use euphemism and implication to indicate risqué behaviour, rather than being direct.  For instance, the crowd at a wedding would be aghast if you, as a bridesmaid charged with making a toast said:

“Tabitha is getting married today. Last week at the Hen’s Night Tabitha got drunk and had sexual intercourse a stripper in a manner so vigorous that she broke the end of his penis”

Even though this is a literal and dispassionate list of events, it would still be inappropriate.

However, if you were to say:

“I don’t think any of us have had a drink since the Hen’s Night last week. Put it this way, there were a few sore heads the next day…”

You imply a degree of licentiousness without being literal and everyone would have a good old laugh.  This works as a euphemism, but it could also be used to imbue a relatively tame evening with innuendo.  You could simply be referring to Tabitha buying one too many craft beers and waking up with a mild hangover.

Litter with Cliches

Everyone thinks they know what “You’re only young once and at the end of the day you can’t put the shit back in the donkey” means, but this is because it is simply a list of idioms they have heard many, many times before.  It might not mean anything at all, or it may be a pleasant way of justifying something extremely horrific. Regardless, you will get a laugh if you say it in a blokey voice and it’s the sort of funeral where the surviving family members say “He would have wanted a party and not a sad sort of funeral”.

Steal jokes

One of the reasons that stand-up comedians are among the highest paid individuals in our society is because of their in-demand skill of being able to turn even the most mundane speaking engagement into something akin to a riotously funny episode of The Big Bang Theory.

However there is a good chance that you and your friends aren’t comedians.  The way you can tell is, when you go to comedy shows, you don’t have a microphone.  Even if you make loud jokes during the show, that are objectively funny, its still a case of ‘no microphone, no comedian’.  The best you can do is to nick bits of a comedy routine and make them your own.

This is why Brides are so often accidentally referred to as ‘Louis C.K’ during well-lubricated wedding receptions.

Self-aggrandisement

It is one thing to make a speech well, it is another to make it passably funny but it is another thing still to make it advantageous.  Making people think sex thoughts won’t pay the bills and no-one gets paid for making jokes unless they are a licensed and city-bonded comedian.  The way to get ahead is to self-promote.

This is not as easy as simply standing up and saying “Hey guys, you know who is great: me!”. This only works on Twitter.  No, the key to self-aggrandisement is to be more subtle than that.  Rather than talk about yourself directly, look for an opportunity to insert yourself and your real or imagined achievements into someone else’s event.

I use the example of a farewell morning tea in the office to illustrate my point.  The boss asks if “anyone has anything else they want to say” and you could say:

“Gandalf has been a credit to the team and, even though we all thought he was a bit of a bell-end when he changed his name, he’s a solid team player (cliche) and we’ll miss him…. *pause for applause* “…and here’s hoping his old mum doesn’t kick him out  the house (familiarity, light humour). *pause for laughs*

Perfectly servicable speech, sure. Doesn’t really say much about you though does it? No.

Let’s try it again, this time with a bit more of a go-getter attitude

“I am reminded of a nickname that I heard The G-man and I used to have when we first started here ‘Ten Percent Above Target Twins’. It was a while ago, I  don’t know how many of you will remember that but it was definitely a thing people said. Anyway, we used to have a laugh. G-Muzza with his references to the live action role-playing he did, me with my consistently high work rate and few sick days. We were quite a team.” *pause for awe*

In that speech you subtly reference your high performance and good record of bothering to show up, while also vaguely dehumanising the supposed subject of the speech by giving him a silly nickname then forgetting it, and giving him another one.  That’s how you get ahead in this world if you’re not a comedian.

Don’t forget to bring a coat.

 

How to score

It seems these days that the ‘number three industry’, after making mobile phone apps and coal, is offering dating advice.  The problem with most of this advice is it is almost entirely low-level pop-psychology and really obvious body language tips.

The thing is, if you’d been paying attention in high school instead of doing maths problems and hiding from the Captain of the First XI, you should have picked these up for yourself. However, this is not to say that all of us don’t need a little romantic pick-me-up from time to time.

Finding oneself in the ‘Chum-zone’ with a lad or lass you want to have sex with is quite annoying, especially when you consider that you have no real problems in your life.

Not being able to move your relationship from the ‘Can I borrow the boxed set of the West Wing’ phase to the ‘Lets watch the West Wing together and do the voices’ phase can be a tough nut to crack.  Like a walnut.  A walnut of sexual tension and awkwardness.

The problem with most ‘How to date a person’ advice is it all relies on the assumption that the person you are trying to mate/date is dimmer than you are, and thus are unable to tell that you are trying to psychology them.  This is a strange assumption to make given that you are paying for advice in how to act around another human.

The long, hard fact is that most people who haven’t yet slept with you are probably smarter than you are which is how they have avoided sleeping with you up until now.  Most ‘dating advice tips’ also tend to make the assumption that you are a man, which many people are not.

Never fear though, your weblog comptroller is also a Level Seven Love Wizard with a power-up Orb of ‘Getting it On’ and he’s here to show you how to make that ‘Crush’ into a ‘Brush(ing of genitals)’. What’s more you don’t have to a man, or even male, to participate.

Power of suggestion

When people hear a word, they quite often do what that word is.  For instance, if you hear the word “car” in a sentence you will probably buy a car.  This is why car salesmen quite often say the word “car” or “automobile” when they are doing a sales pitch. You don’t hear that many of them saying “Taylor Swift” or “Jelly” in a sales pitch, unless it is to say “Taylor would be so jelly of you buying this Suzuki Swift car.”

The problem though, is just saying the word can be a bit too subtle. If you only have a few minutes in which to make the suggestion of a conjugal interlude, you may have to be a bit more direct. The key is to simply shout the suggestive term, loudly and pretty much at random, in the middle of a normal and unrelated conversation.

An example may help:

You: “It is a nice day we are having here waiting SEX!!  for the van to take us on the  ROOTING!! medieval festival.”

Now the object of your desire may be a little confused and maybe even question you on this:

Magenta (a person you like) : “Sorry, what did you say? What was all that weird shouting?”

But now the seeds of suggestion are planted in Magenta’s brain and they will fertilise slowly from here on in.  It is actually best now for you to deny you even shouted anything at all, and look at Magenta as if she’s a bit odd:

You: “What weird shouting? KISSING!! You are probably mistaken because of taking bath salts or something.”

Create mystery and create demand

Have you ever stared out the window watching the storm clouds roll in over the bay and wondered how Phil Collins could marry not one but several women? I know I have.

I mean he writes whiny songs about his exes so the next wife must know the same thing will happen to her, right? Well, I did used to wonder this quite a bit.

I say did because now I know why people kept marrying Phil Collins. He was a man of mystery and he created demand for the ‘Phil Collins brand’.

He pretty much pioneered the stark electronic drum-kit sound synonymous with so much of how we remember the eighties; he thus created demand. Not only was he in demand, but you never knew when a new Phil Collins record would come out, or quite often where he was quite a lot of the time.

Maybe a record every several years, and maybe he’s in the kitchen.

Maybe not one for ten years and maybe he’s on the roof.

Mystery.

You need to be like Phil Collins. I mean, not entirely, but in this very specific way.

Create a sense of mystery around what you are doing.  When your ‘coital mark’ asks where you are going, allude to somewhere very strange, but be vague enough not to have to actually lie.  Make out you have other people who want to be in your company, especially other potential suitors.

Let me illustrate point with an example:

Gwylim (a person you are keen on): “I am thinking of going to that anti-water fluoridation rally later on, are you going to go to that?”

You: “Maaaaaaybe…” Now you look at your watch… You: “Is that the time, I have to go and sort that, well, you know, things to do people to see…and maybe…kiss.”

Leave it hanging on kiss.

Gwylim: “Oh yeah, what are you up to?”

Now you just burst into a maniacal cackle and walk off briskly muttering safe in the knowledge you have created both mystery as to what you are doing and an allusion to other people who demand your time. Your sexy time.

Disrupt social patterns

The thing about the attractive and the desirable of our species, and indeed most species, is they have a lot of social engagements with a lot of people.

You may be chums with the ‘the one you thirst for’ and you may well hang out frequently and do the normal day-to-day social things with them but you can bet your last whisky dollar that this person does a lot of the same things with a lot of people. Many of those people will be funnier and smarter and less of a dick than you.

You can’t, or up to this point won’t, make yourself funnier, smarter or less of a dick so you need a Plan B. If you can’t make the company (you) stand out, make the event stand out.

Instead of going to the movies, suggest playing lawn-bowls in a car-park. Instead of going to a cafe or bar, suggest drinking beers in a car-park. Instead of going to a goose farm, suggest stealing road cones and arranging them in a car-park.

Soon the ‘apple of your eye’ will associate you with doing exciting and interesting things, and they may take a second look at you, over-look your many shortcomings and consider moving things to the next level.

Peacocking 

As well as disrupting your routine, at some point you need to disrupt everyone’s perceptions of you. A way to do this is what is often referred to as ‘peacocking.’

Invite that ‘hot thang’ out to a fun car-park drinking session but tell him to meet you there much earlier than you intend to show up.

As well as creating mystery, you will also be buying yourself some time to break into his house and release a peacock into his bedroom.  A peacock is best because it correlates with the title of this section but any big, easily spooked, and destructive bird will do. Maybe a goose from one of those trips to the goose farm you used to do.

Then you show up at the car-park. He’ll be wondering where you’ve been but he’ll be impressed at how little regard you have for his time. Do your platonic but slightly quirky social thing and then he goes home.

What happens next is a sure fire winner and best illustrated by an example:

Your phone buzzes hotly in your pocket. You see it is Terrance, the one you burn for. Answer it.

Terrance: “Fuck, there’s a massive fucking peacock in my bedroom and its slashed up my duvet, and its shat everywhere!”

You smile knowingly. Don’t worry, he can’t see you; you’re on the phone.

Terrance: “I’m not going back in there, its fucking crazy. Can I ask you a favour, can I stay at yours tonight…”

dot dot dot indeed.

How to win a debate

In a previous weblog we discussed, very articulately I might add, how to win a conversation.

The hyperlink is here but I will recap for those of you who made an arbitrary rule never to click on hyperlinks when using the internet.  I know I did, back in 1997, and while it makes using the internet hard I have never caught a Trojan virus from the world wide web and neither has my computer.

But I digress.

You win a conversation by scoring points based on glib retorts and insults.  When the conversation is ended, the person who got the most ‘zingers’ in, wins. We all know that this works for day to day tete-a-tete but what of a more high-brow discourse?

A ‘debate’ is different to a conversation. For a start, it is usually on an important and serious subject like politics, economics, whaling, or which Smiths record is the best. You will be talking in a different voice too; probably a concerned voice or a put-on British accent. Even if you are British you will probably put on a better British accent.

The principles of winning a debate are different too: the aim of a debate is to win by forcing the other person to agree with you or to make them stop talking.  When you win a debate you are correct,  the other person is wrong, and there can be no further debates on the subject ever.

Winning a debate then, is more important that winning a conversation with your friends where the only real prize is the knowledge that you insulted them more than they insulted you. Like anything in life that is worth winning however, a debate is hard.

However, like anything hard, I can tell you in approximately five bullet points how to wriggle around it without putting in any real effort.

Statistics

Until 1995, if you had statistical evidence to back up your argument in a debate you automatically won.  This was because all statistics came from the one book and there were no variations.  The problem back then was the book was seldom on-hand when you were having a debate; no bars, restaurants, bus-stops, or student unions had a copy, so there was always a possibility that the person quoting the statistics had got them wrong and there was no way of checking.

Nowadays statistics are on the internet and because the internet is available all the time from your phone, tablet computer, lap-top and even some cuts of meat, you can find statistics any time.  The problem now is that, rather than there being one big book with all the statistics in it, there are now lots of websites and Tweets with DIFFERENT statistics in them.

In a lot of ways, statistics are pointless unless you frame them in such a way as they are vague enough they can’t be refuted:

“The number of whales maimed, killed or cyber-bullied by the Japanese increased over 20% according to the most recent figures.”

That statement firstly uses a non-specific figure: “over 20%”. That could be pretty much anything not LESS than 20%.  Secondly, the reference to “most recent figures” means, even if someone has different statistics, you can argue yours are the newest ones.

The key to statistics debates then is never be specific.

Anecdotal evidence

Research is hard and dorky.  It is also totally unnecessary for formulating a debate argument. Why bother finding specific and referable examples to support your arguments when you can just use anecdotal examples waffly and fuzzy enough never to be really refutable and based on experiences you can’t really qualify?

The three main types of anecdotal evidence are: the ‘general example from your own life’, the ‘overseas experience example’, and the ‘amputation’.   I will explain with examples:

General example from your own life

“I run a business and employ 12 people…” Okay, this only works if the person doesn’t actually know you very well, I forgot to mention this… “so I know that most of my employees actually PREFER not to have paid sick days.”

Perfect for the internet-based debate, this statement first sets up your vague, unverifiable qualification, then makes a vague reference to a numerical preference.  We all know it is UNLIKELY this statement is true: what if one of the employees gets diarrhea or breaks their foot? However, we don’t know who these employes are either, so we can’t really refute the statement.  Debate gold!

Overseas experience example

“I lived in Britain for 10 years and I never saw any crime. People in this country have no respect.”

Okay, we’ve all seen Kidulthood so we know that this statement probably isn’t true but the person saying it lived there. Lived experience is anecdotal gold because, lets face it, the person may not have seen any crime. We don’t know, were we there with them?

No.

Also, the crime statement sets up the vaguely drawn conclusion: I never saw any crime there people here (where presumably there is crime) have no respect (which is a bad thing, and crime is, apparently an indicator of that.) Boom.

The “I lived in Britain…” line does not work for culinary-themed arguments.

Amputation

The Other Person: “A flat income tax rate would encourage investment and stop the wealthy fleeing overseas.”

YOU: “I had my leg amputated.”

On the surface of it, your leg, amputated or otherwise, has nothing to do with ‘flat-tax policy’. However, if you have no leg, you automatically win the debate. Even with the most heartless of people. Even, in fact, with people who argue for a flat income-tax policy.

Note: If the person is in the room with you when you use the Old Amputee Slam-dunk you may have to pretend your leg is a prosthetic. Unless you have, in fact, had your leg amputated.*

Make out the other person is angry

Winning a debate is not like ordering photocopying paper over the phone: losing your temper will mean that far from getting what you want, you will lose. This is why smug, emotionally disconnected and privileged people usually win debates: unless the debate is about the price of cravats or how to get port wine out of tweed they have nothing to get wound up about so they seldom do.

The problem is, most people know this and will keep their cool even when debating a subject they are quite hot about.  To win a debate quite often you will have to imply that your opponent is losing their temper when they are not. This is easy to do, and an easy way to win a debate when there is an audience you can appeal to:

Your scarf-wearing opponent: “‘The Queen is Dead’ is a far superior album to ‘Meat is Murder’ which is full of dinky little novelty tunes.”

YOU: “Woah, woah, buddy, calm down. Shit, I was just expressing an opinion, no need to get angry” *looks at other people at the table smugly* “What’s with this guy? Is he crazy?”

Your scarf-wearing opponent: “I was only expressing an opinion too but…”

You: “Hey, hey, don’t hit me!”

You win because you implied the other person had lost their temper, even if the measure of temper-lose-age was entirely established by you.

Get personal

While a debate is generally considered to be a high-brow exchange of reasoned arguments there is, in fact, some room for a well targeted jab of white-hot spite.  The key is you get one shot and it has to be a surprise. If you just keep lobbing insults at the other person like they are potatoes you are going to look like you are lowering the tone, and if it is expected it may be parried away like a rusty, sword in a duel.

If, like me, you are a generally spiteful person, people will be expecting you to use aspects of their personal life against them to win any argument regardless of how important it is so they’ll be ready for you.  What you must do then, is make something up.

The other person. They have a stupid pony-tail: “But what is ‘fascism’ really? It is just a well-ordered state that defends its people against outside invaders and parasitic internal forces.”

YOU: “I had sexual intercourse with your wife last night.”

The other person. They have a stupid pony-tail: “Sorry, what?”

YOU: “You heard me. By the way your pony-tail makes you look like a snake is eating your head from behind.”

Pony-tail there, was making a point about fascism and you cold knocked him off his stride with the ‘wife sex’ call. That’s how its done!

So now you know how to debate, and whats-more, you know how to win, and what’smore-more you know how to do it with the ease of a stroll in the park and a warm shower afterwards.

 

 

*Never get your leg amputated to win a debate

Office leaving card

There are few better examples of the weirdness of workaday life than the office leaving card.

Nowhere else does the fantasy of emotional attachment and camaraderie curdle into the reality of indifference so strongly as the feeling you get when Tyone from three pods over dumps a novelty sized greeting card on your desk and instructs you to write a blurbette of memoriam for Trish from Emails.

On the one hand, you have shared a bit of carpet with Trish for…how long is it? On the other hand you, well, know really nothing about her.

Is she the one with the cardigans? No, she is the one who has the kid that got suspended for biting that dog…Is she?.

You also aren’t sure if either of them relate to her because you don’t really know her.

Nothing sums this issue like the most common inscription in a leaving card: Best wishes.
Best.
Wishes.

Think about it. It sounds like it means a lot but it actually means nothing. It implies, on the surface, that you want someone’s wishes to come true.  Not their horrible ones though, like if they wish their husband would die or that all Chinese people die in a plague.  No, their  good, or ‘best’ ones.  Best, we assume, refers to the most wholesome wishes or the wishes that offer benefit but do not have any horrible externalities.  Like the plague.

Of course, it doesn’t necessarily mean that at all.

If we wanted someones non-murderous and amazing wishes to come true we would write “I hope your best wishes come true. But not the one about your husband dying or the genocide one.”

No, best wishes doesn’t really imply which wishes or whose wishes. Writing ‘Best wishes’ could just as easily imply that the persons leaving is your, or one of your, best wishes.

This is probably why no-one, ever, has actually said “best wishes”. It is solely for cards. Emotionally noncommittal ones at that.

However, much like everything else mundane, stupid and emotionally confusing you can have fun with it.

The leaving card can be a theatre for you to create mischief and, at the same time, riff on the whole concept of leaving cards.

You, dear weblog reader, can put the whole leaving card system on trial.

Be vaguely and non-specifically threatening

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Refer to a strange shared experience you never had

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Excitable nonsense unrelated to anything written hella big

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Something long, tedious and boring no-one will ever read to the end of

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Something that will lead your other colleagues to ask way more questions.

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These are just a few suggestions, riff on it.

Best wishes.

 

 

So you have a hot-air balloon

Hot-air balloonThe thing is, a hot-air balloon seems fairly pointless to most people unless you have the very specialised interest of ‘hot-air ballooning’.  To these people, souring majestically and silently above the earth with nothing between you and God’s creation but basket and air is an amazing way to spend time.  To the rest of us however, this would be either terrifying or boring.  Or a strange hybrid of the two.

The problem arises then when you acquire a hot air-balloon that you didn’t expect.  Say, you inherit one, or you win one in a raffle.  The easy thing to do seems like it would be to say “What a crappy prize/inheritance. I wish I hadn’t taken that raffle-ticket/gone to all those boring family dinners now” and try and sell it. I mean, you can only give your friends balloon rides* a few times before they start making excuses not to see you, lest you try (again…) to make them go up in the (boring fucking…) hot air balloon.

Well, that attitude is short-sighted.

There are lots of things you can do with a hot-air balloon that you might have won or found rolled up down the back of your mental aunt’s garage, and they are all awesome.

Illicit monkeyshines

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Drawing not to scale re. jurisdiction height

One of the little known law facts  is that in most criminal jurisdictions the law no longer applies when you are a certain distance from the ground**.  It differs from jurisdiction to jurisdiction but it is usually around about 100 feet.

Just park the hot-air balloon anywhere you want, use the measuring…ah…rope, to measure the distance between the basket and the ground, make sure you are outside the jurisdiction of the law, and play: monkeyshines and shenanigans ahoy!  You can hold monkey knife-fights for money, smoke the mad chrons, or even start a fight club and there’s nothing anyone can do about it.

Boo-yah!

Cheat on your partner

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Affairs of the heart: A lot like balloons.

Hot air balloons are a lot like affairs of the heart in that they can be kept pretty quiet.  Actually, that is the only way they are like affairs of the heart, but that is actually the important one here. Just park the hot-air balloon outside your house and let it hover there with your illicit lover inside the basket. Waiting.

Chances are your significant other won’t even notice the balloon when they come home from the office; it will be so quiet and above the ground.  If they do notice it, just shrug and say that you “left it up for the night to air it out a bit.”

Wait until your partner falls asleep, then spirit out of the window, up a ladder, and into the basket for all night illicit ‘balloon rides***’.

When you have had your sexuals, simply slip down the ladder and back through the window. Slide back into bed before your betrothed even wakes up, and in time for your morning argument.

Advertising

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Now you might think the advertising market is a crowded one, what with television, radio, Facebook and urinal advertisements, and you’d be right in a way.  However, there is always room for one more player if you are prepared to advertise for people or organisations so weird or repugnant, that no-one else will touch them with a barge-pole.

A hot-air balloon is basically a giant, hot-air-filled bill-board that can be moved from place to place as needed/people complain about the hate-filled slogans on it.

As Confucius once said:  No one ever went broke appealing to the lowest common denominator!

Stupid inspirational posters

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Stupid inspirational posters for morons

The thing about hot-air balloons is they are majestic when they float through the air. Even if you think they are stupid or boring you’d have to admit that.  The thing about majestic things is they often inspire morons to spout loo-paper philosophy; attaching some hackneyed truism to a particular image in an attempt to give it a weight of significance far greater than it actually has.

We’ve all seen the posters in cheap hotels or recruitment company offices with stupid slogans about success, motivation or achievement juxtaposed with pictures of dolphins, or eagles, or sunrises, or…hot air-balloons floating over scenic horizons.

That hot-air balloon picture is owned by someone. That someone could be you.

*Actual balloon rides, not the sexual position

**Not actually true

***The sexual position, not actual balloon rides

How to win a conversation

The thing about talking to people is it is an endless grinding battle of glib retorts and come-backs.  Even if you are talking at your friends, family, loved ones, or people you wish to sex at, you can never let your guard down when chatting.

Drop that guard for just a second and you’ll catch a sneering “No, that’s you sorry” or a “YOU’RE an emissions trading scheme!” and you will have lost at talking. Hang your head in shame. No one has sexuals with a person who can’t banter.

You could change the way you talk to people; maybe adopt a more mature register and repertoire of conversation.  You could try arguing with logic and reasoning.   You could stop hanging around with those people.

Or you could learn ways of KOing mofos with one line hay-makers of words that will win you any chat title belt, and impress babes of any gender.

The shorter, the sweeter and the more ‘under 140-characters’ the better.

The ‘more like’

Someone says something, anything, and you say it back to them switching out the first part of what they said with an offensive, insulting, or lewd word that rhymes with the bit you’ve switched out using the form “____ more like ____”

There’s nothing like a demonstration:

Your Mother:  “Would you like some macaroni and cheese?”

YOU: “Macaroni and cheese? more like WACKaroni and cheese!”

BOOM. Cold slayed your mum!

It even works when referring to the TV series The West Wing, and here, I go for the double ‘more like’:

Guy you would probably sleep with if you were bored: “Let’s watch season five of The West Wing and cuddle under this light purple, almost lavender-coloured blanket.  Its arguably the best series.”

YOU: “West Wing? More like YOU WERE CAUGHT IN A SEX-PEST STING!”*

BOOM! Cold slayed that dude who doesn’t know much about how good series’ of The West Wing are!

*Note: No one has successfully performed a funny ‘double more like’.

Your Mum

This is a derivation of the standard school-yard ‘yo’ mother’ joke, whereby you insult your conversational opponent by making a set-piece disparaging remark about their mother.  The modern ‘your mum’ is more free-form and doesn’t rely on a set-piece joke.  You simply reply to anything with “Your mum’s a…”

Dude with a pony-tail: “blah, blah, blah The Foo Fighters…”

YOU: “Your MUM’S a Foo Fighter!”

BOOM! Cold slayed that dude going on about The Foo Fighters!

The phone call

This is a response to a topic whereby you pretend to be a date, person or social trend ringing on an invisible telephone to say they want whatever is being discussed back.  This implies that the topic the person has ventured an opinion on, or the opinion itself, is either old or unoriginal or that they are somehow unfashionable.

Aqua

Your mum’s a limited edition!

Let me demonstrate:

Girl you mistakenly think will sleep with you if you lightly insult her: “I really like cargo-pants, they are really comfortable. I know, naff right?”

YOU: “Hey, 1997 and to a lesser-extent 1998 called, they want their clothes back.”

BOOM! Cold slayed that girl when really you wanted to tell her how you really felt!

You can also riff on the concept by layering it, maybe get two hits in.  Like so:

Chap on bus: “I saw Aqua on CD and I was all ‘I haven’t seen that in years’ so I bought it.”

YOU: “Hey, 1997 and to a lesser-extent 1998 called it wants both it’s media format and its music taste back!”

BOOM! Cold slayed that chap on the bus who just wanted to talk because his life is nothing but a lonely, nostalgic bubble!

Saying ‘Newsflash’ or ‘Hello’ slightly louder and with an incredulous tone of voice

This is probably the easiest of all the retorts, and there are some who argue it is only marginally better than screwing up your face while the other person is talking, making a dismissive ‘wanking’ gesture as they speak, or just making a farting noise with your tongue/armpit.  Simplicity can be effective however.

Simply illustrate how obvious what a the person is saying by saying ‘Newsflash’ slightly louder, and with a more incredulous, tone of voice than you’d normally speak in, and then repeat their main point.  The same works with “Hello!” or even simply “Duh.”

Like so:

Former Chinese Premier and Revolutionary Leader Mao Tse Tung: “Political power grows out of the barrel of a gun”

YOU: “Newsflash! Political power grows out of the barrel of a gun”

BOOM! Cold slayed that titan of twentieth century historical importance!