Tag Archives: sexual conquests

Asking about sex (part two)

In the previous weblog communique we covered that a good way to acquire sex is to mask fairly straightforward intentions beneath a creative layer of euphemism. We demonstrated three of the most common sexual metaphors to use in this euphemism: business metaphors, sports metaphors and historical/animal metaphors. (Note, other useful metaphors for sex include ‘Car/sex metaphors’, ‘Alcohol or drugs/sex metaphors’ and ‘Anti-Vaccination Movement/sex metaphors’).  The problem with euphemism is in order to engage in delicate ballet dance of suggestive meaning you probably have to be familiar with the person you are talking to.  Simply walking up to a stranger and saying “Want to come back to my musty basement and share anti-science conspiracies?” is likely to make that stranger think you are so weird that they’ll probably not bother to even attempt to decipher your lustful code. If the object of your thirstful desire is a complete stranger you are going to have to actually introduce yourself. This, however, can be a fertile garden in which to plant the seeds of licentious promise.

Be unusual

Former U.S Secretary of State Henry Kissenger once said “If you can’t be interesting or clever, be weird” and he knew a thing or two about all three of those things as the man who normalised relations between the U.S and communist China if you get my drift. Which you almost certainly don’t. The thing is, leaving a lasting impression by being slightly odd works for good looking, pleasant and interesting people as well.  Introductory conversation is such a fecund area for being slightly off the wall because by and large it is formulaic and boring.  Most introductory conversations begin with someone giving their name and inquiring of the other person’s name.  They will often then ask “what do you do?” or “why are you here?” which, while the information these questions furnish can be useful it is not exactly a memorable line of inquiry.  You may remember the answers were, respectively, ‘Nancy’, ‘new media’ and ‘I got the wrong bus’ but it is unlikely Nancy remembers vividly the questions you asked.  Instead of the boring old ‘name/job/reason’ trifecta try instead:

“What cheese do you like?”

“Have you been to France?”

“Do you prefer The Smiths or the colour green?”

“Where did you get that impressive top hat?” (This really only works as an interesting question if the person you approach and ask isn’t wearing a top hat. It is best if they aren’t wearing any hat at all: there’s a fine line between ‘interesting’ and ‘coming off as too stupid to correctly identify types of hat’)

It isn’t actually necessary to ask a question by way of introduction at all; the point is not to acquire information about the apple of your coital eye it is to make them think ‘Well, she was a bit smelly but she was certainly intriguing’.  Simply walk up to the stranger and say something slightly unusual.

“I like rugby league”

“It’s disputed how much time Hannibal spent in Asia Minor.”

“Cake is better than biscuits except for red velvet cake which is not as good as biscuits”

Now, it is important to add at this point that this approach walks a bit of a knife-edge between ‘amusingly quirky’ and either ‘out-there strange’ or ‘probably on drugs’. While people on drugs are definitely interesting and quirky, and you can add to that list the other qualities of edgy and cool, but they are usually also temporary. If she suspects you are on drugs she will likely be thinking ‘Well he’s interesting and cool and edgy now, but what if the ketamine wears off and he asks me something lame like what my job is?’ and you don’t want that.

You also don’t want to go so far as to attempt to wear anything to appear interesting. The cold, hard, aroused fact of the matter is people don’t actually like people who wear ‘unusual clothes’ or ‘have signature facial hair’.  The guy who wears golf shoes and a Kaiser Wilhelm mustache to the party usually goes home from said party alone. No matter how wacky they are, clothes all look the same when they are crumpled on the floor next to the bed, car or lavatory.

END OF PART TWO

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How many times have you heard someone say “I’d rather die than give a speech” or “If you don’t MC my wedding I will kill you”? I know I have heard these, and variations of these comments many, many times.  Somewhere along the line ‘public speaking’ and ‘death’ become intrinsically linked.  It is almost common belief that there is a certain level of ‘being embarrassed’ where you will actually kick the bucket and that this can be triggered by having to make a wedding toast.

Of course, despite people’s morbid fear of standing up and prattling off a few anecdotes it is an exaggeration – like saying you ‘love’ your car, you’re a caffeine ‘addict’ or that you ‘literally want to shag’ your internet service provider – strip away the hyperbole and you’ll realise the link between speech-making and shuffling off of this mortal coil is a grossly inflated untruth.

Sure, some people have died as a result of making speeches – notably, U.S President William Henry Harrison died a month after taking office as a result of making an inauguration speech so meandering and verbose he caught pneumonia in the process. The thing was though, Harrison actually enjoyed making speeches. He wasn’t the vaguest bit embarrassed at all. He liked making speeches so much he forgot to wear a coat. So really the only evidence there is that making a speech will kill you is if you enjoy doing it so much you forget to dress yourself.

President William Henry Harrison: So long-winded he died of pneumonia

President William Henry Harrison: So long-winded he died of pneumonia

Not only will you not actually leave the mortal realm simply because you feel a bit shamed, making speeches is really, really easy; you just need one or two ‘templates’ up your sleeve and you’ll be ‘Pulling a Harrison’ (Making speeches, not dying of pneumonia) without ‘totally Harrisoning out’ (dying, not making speeches).

Tell a Risqué Story

When you were at high school, the most interesting people were always the people who had ripping tales about getting ripped in the weekend or had ribald tales of sexual conquest.  In this, like in most areas of life; nothing has changed since high school. The Falstaffian Sex conquistadors of our society are always the most interesting because of the tales that they tell.

One of the advantages to telling a risqué story in a speech is, due to societal mores, you are supposed to use euphemism and implication to indicate risqué behaviour, rather than being direct.  For instance, the crowd at a wedding would be aghast if you, as a bridesmaid charged with making a toast said:

“Tabitha is getting married today. Last week at the Hen’s Night Tabitha got drunk and had sexual intercourse a stripper in a manner so vigorous that she broke the end of his penis”

Even though this is a literal and dispassionate list of events, it would still be inappropriate.

However, if you were to say:

“I don’t think any of us have had a drink since the Hen’s Night last week. Put it this way, there were a few sore heads the next day…”

You imply a degree of licentiousness without being literal and everyone would have a good old laugh.  This works as a euphemism, but it could also be used to imbue a relatively tame evening with innuendo.  You could simply be referring to Tabitha buying one too many craft beers and waking up with a mild hangover.

Litter with Cliches

Everyone thinks they know what “You’re only young once and at the end of the day you can’t put the shit back in the donkey” means, but this is because it is simply a list of idioms they have heard many, many times before.  It might not mean anything at all, or it may be a pleasant way of justifying something extremely horrific. Regardless, you will get a laugh if you say it in a blokey voice and it’s the sort of funeral where the surviving family members say “He would have wanted a party and not a sad sort of funeral”.

Steal jokes

One of the reasons that stand-up comedians are among the highest paid individuals in our society is because of their in-demand skill of being able to turn even the most mundane speaking engagement into something akin to a riotously funny episode of The Big Bang Theory.

However there is a good chance that you and your friends aren’t comedians.  The way you can tell is, when you go to comedy shows, you don’t have a microphone.  Even if you make loud jokes during the show, that are objectively funny, its still a case of ‘no microphone, no comedian’.  The best you can do is to nick bits of a comedy routine and make them your own.

This is why Brides are so often accidentally referred to as ‘Louis C.K’ during well-lubricated wedding receptions.

Self-aggrandisement

It is one thing to make a speech well, it is another to make it passably funny but it is another thing still to make it advantageous.  Making people think sex thoughts won’t pay the bills and no-one gets paid for making jokes unless they are a licensed and city-bonded comedian.  The way to get ahead is to self-promote.

This is not as easy as simply standing up and saying “Hey guys, you know who is great: me!”. This only works on Twitter.  No, the key to self-aggrandisement is to be more subtle than that.  Rather than talk about yourself directly, look for an opportunity to insert yourself and your real or imagined achievements into someone else’s event.

I use the example of a farewell morning tea in the office to illustrate my point.  The boss asks if “anyone has anything else they want to say” and you could say:

“Gandalf has been a credit to the team and, even though we all thought he was a bit of a bell-end when he changed his name, he’s a solid team player (cliche) and we’ll miss him…. *pause for applause* “…and here’s hoping his old mum doesn’t kick him out  the house (familiarity, light humour). *pause for laughs*

Perfectly servicable speech, sure. Doesn’t really say much about you though does it? No.

Let’s try it again, this time with a bit more of a go-getter attitude

“I am reminded of a nickname that I heard The G-man and I used to have when we first started here ‘Ten Percent Above Target Twins’. It was a while ago, I  don’t know how many of you will remember that but it was definitely a thing people said. Anyway, we used to have a laugh. G-Muzza with his references to the live action role-playing he did, me with my consistently high work rate and few sick days. We were quite a team.” *pause for awe*

In that speech you subtly reference your high performance and good record of bothering to show up, while also vaguely dehumanising the supposed subject of the speech by giving him a silly nickname then forgetting it, and giving him another one.  That’s how you get ahead in this world if you’re not a comedian.

Don’t forget to bring a coat.

 

How to score

It seems these days that the ‘number three industry’, after making mobile phone apps and coal, is offering dating advice.  The problem with most of this advice is it is almost entirely low-level pop-psychology and really obvious body language tips.

The thing is, if you’d been paying attention in high school instead of doing maths problems and hiding from the Captain of the First XI, you should have picked these up for yourself. However, this is not to say that all of us don’t need a little romantic pick-me-up from time to time.

Finding oneself in the ‘Chum-zone’ with a lad or lass you want to have sex with is quite annoying, especially when you consider that you have no real problems in your life.

Not being able to move your relationship from the ‘Can I borrow the boxed set of the West Wing’ phase to the ‘Lets watch the West Wing together and do the voices’ phase can be a tough nut to crack.  Like a walnut.  A walnut of sexual tension and awkwardness.

The problem with most ‘How to date a person’ advice is it all relies on the assumption that the person you are trying to mate/date is dimmer than you are, and thus are unable to tell that you are trying to psychology them.  This is a strange assumption to make given that you are paying for advice in how to act around another human.

The long, hard fact is that most people who haven’t yet slept with you are probably smarter than you are which is how they have avoided sleeping with you up until now.  Most ‘dating advice tips’ also tend to make the assumption that you are a man, which many people are not.

Never fear though, your weblog comptroller is also a Level Seven Love Wizard with a power-up Orb of ‘Getting it On’ and he’s here to show you how to make that ‘Crush’ into a ‘Brush(ing of genitals)’. What’s more you don’t have to a man, or even male, to participate.

Power of suggestion

When people hear a word, they quite often do what that word is.  For instance, if you hear the word “car” in a sentence you will probably buy a car.  This is why car salesmen quite often say the word “car” or “automobile” when they are doing a sales pitch. You don’t hear that many of them saying “Taylor Swift” or “Jelly” in a sales pitch, unless it is to say “Taylor would be so jelly of you buying this Suzuki Swift car.”

The problem though, is just saying the word can be a bit too subtle. If you only have a few minutes in which to make the suggestion of a conjugal interlude, you may have to be a bit more direct. The key is to simply shout the suggestive term, loudly and pretty much at random, in the middle of a normal and unrelated conversation.

An example may help:

You: “It is a nice day we are having here waiting SEX!!  for the van to take us on the  ROOTING!! medieval festival.”

Now the object of your desire may be a little confused and maybe even question you on this:

Magenta (a person you like) : “Sorry, what did you say? What was all that weird shouting?”

But now the seeds of suggestion are planted in Magenta’s brain and they will fertilise slowly from here on in.  It is actually best now for you to deny you even shouted anything at all, and look at Magenta as if she’s a bit odd:

You: “What weird shouting? KISSING!! You are probably mistaken because of taking bath salts or something.”

Create mystery and create demand

Have you ever stared out the window watching the storm clouds roll in over the bay and wondered how Phil Collins could marry not one but several women? I know I have.

I mean he writes whiny songs about his exes so the next wife must know the same thing will happen to her, right? Well, I did used to wonder this quite a bit.

I say did because now I know why people kept marrying Phil Collins. He was a man of mystery and he created demand for the ‘Phil Collins brand’.

He pretty much pioneered the stark electronic drum-kit sound synonymous with so much of how we remember the eighties; he thus created demand. Not only was he in demand, but you never knew when a new Phil Collins record would come out, or quite often where he was quite a lot of the time.

Maybe a record every several years, and maybe he’s in the kitchen.

Maybe not one for ten years and maybe he’s on the roof.

Mystery.

You need to be like Phil Collins. I mean, not entirely, but in this very specific way.

Create a sense of mystery around what you are doing.  When your ‘coital mark’ asks where you are going, allude to somewhere very strange, but be vague enough not to have to actually lie.  Make out you have other people who want to be in your company, especially other potential suitors.

Let me illustrate point with an example:

Gwylim (a person you are keen on): “I am thinking of going to that anti-water fluoridation rally later on, are you going to go to that?”

You: “Maaaaaaybe…” Now you look at your watch… You: “Is that the time, I have to go and sort that, well, you know, things to do people to see…and maybe…kiss.”

Leave it hanging on kiss.

Gwylim: “Oh yeah, what are you up to?”

Now you just burst into a maniacal cackle and walk off briskly muttering safe in the knowledge you have created both mystery as to what you are doing and an allusion to other people who demand your time. Your sexy time.

Disrupt social patterns

The thing about the attractive and the desirable of our species, and indeed most species, is they have a lot of social engagements with a lot of people.

You may be chums with the ‘the one you thirst for’ and you may well hang out frequently and do the normal day-to-day social things with them but you can bet your last whisky dollar that this person does a lot of the same things with a lot of people. Many of those people will be funnier and smarter and less of a dick than you.

You can’t, or up to this point won’t, make yourself funnier, smarter or less of a dick so you need a Plan B. If you can’t make the company (you) stand out, make the event stand out.

Instead of going to the movies, suggest playing lawn-bowls in a car-park. Instead of going to a cafe or bar, suggest drinking beers in a car-park. Instead of going to a goose farm, suggest stealing road cones and arranging them in a car-park.

Soon the ‘apple of your eye’ will associate you with doing exciting and interesting things, and they may take a second look at you, over-look your many shortcomings and consider moving things to the next level.

Peacocking 

As well as disrupting your routine, at some point you need to disrupt everyone’s perceptions of you. A way to do this is what is often referred to as ‘peacocking.’

Invite that ‘hot thang’ out to a fun car-park drinking session but tell him to meet you there much earlier than you intend to show up.

As well as creating mystery, you will also be buying yourself some time to break into his house and release a peacock into his bedroom.  A peacock is best because it correlates with the title of this section but any big, easily spooked, and destructive bird will do. Maybe a goose from one of those trips to the goose farm you used to do.

Then you show up at the car-park. He’ll be wondering where you’ve been but he’ll be impressed at how little regard you have for his time. Do your platonic but slightly quirky social thing and then he goes home.

What happens next is a sure fire winner and best illustrated by an example:

Your phone buzzes hotly in your pocket. You see it is Terrance, the one you burn for. Answer it.

Terrance: “Fuck, there’s a massive fucking peacock in my bedroom and its slashed up my duvet, and its shat everywhere!”

You smile knowingly. Don’t worry, he can’t see you; you’re on the phone.

Terrance: “I’m not going back in there, its fucking crazy. Can I ask you a favour, can I stay at yours tonight…”

dot dot dot indeed.

Conversation

Quite often I hear people lament that they don’t like small talk.  There is a kernel of reasonableness in that; quite a lot of small talk is pointless, boring, tedious and relies upon a good degree of pre-prepared responses to questions that you know, based on the law of averages, you will be asked:

“See the game on Saturday?”
“Yeah…” *makes derisive snorting noise and then chuckles a bit*

Actually, quite a lot of small talk isn’t talk at all; it is guttural or nasal noises, and awkward laughing.

However, in my humble opinion small talk is actually usually better than the alternative. Rolling your eyes and saying “Man, this weather eh…” is actually preferable to launching into a conversation with a stranger in an elevator about how the reason you find enclosed spaces unnerving is because your cousin tried to drown you as a toddler, and you also think that this contributed to your failing law school.

What a lot of people call ‘small talk’ is actually just ‘conversation’.  What a lot of people call ‘really talking’ is ‘really talking about their feelings and you listening actively.’

The thing is though, conversation is hard.

However, readers of this weblog are fortunate that I, your weblog bulletin comptroller, am an expert conversationalist. In fact, I can engage in conversations with most people, and at least one of the genders, without clamming up or falling over.

The key is to know what to talk about.

Clichés

You can have a conversation entirely using pre-prepared clichés that are largely meaningless.  If you don’t believe me, watch the news.  Politicians and professional sportspeople do it all the time.

You see a reporter ask a footballer about their team’s victory they will invariably respond with “It was a team effort and we all pulled together”.  Without even thinking, the sportsperson is engaging in a conversation.  A newshound will ask a politician “Why is your party performing so poorly in the polls?” they will oft respond with a smile and say “The only poll that matters is on election day.” See, conversation.

Being a sportsperson and a politician is hard and involves mental agility. They have to always be thinking about other things. Using clichés they can have a conversation while devoting all their brain-energy to thinking about how much cocaine they are going to do in about fifteen minutes time, or whether that cute staffer will spill the beans to their wife.  Since your life is no where near as hard or as important, there’s no reason you can’t come up with a few ‘zero-level’ clichés to make conversation easy.

Personally, I go with:

“Kicking arse and taking names” – which means nothing but if I say it with a knowing smile it confuses people, and “TGIF, brother/sister, TGIF”.  Actually, the latter works well if it isn’t in fact Friday: the surreal nature of your not realising it isn’t actually Friday will create a sense of intrigue around you.

Work

Everyone likes to talk about their work, and everyone likes hearing about other people’s jobs.  You can talk about work while you are at work, for a sense of camaraderie, or you can talk about your work when you are outside of work to impress people with how busy, and thus important you are.

The key is, of course, to always be ‘busy at work’.  No one has ever successfully conversed about work with someone where they didn’t at some point mention how busy they are.

It just doesn’t work.

Even if you spend your days masturbating in the toilets or writing Post-it Notes to stick on things in the fridge that you think are, or should be, yours, you are always ‘busy.’

Another popular topic of conversation is how much, or how little, money you earn.  Everyone likes to boastfully hear that you make a lot of money, almost as much as they like to hear you complain about how you make a lot less than everyone else at your work despite the fact they are all stupid/lazy/not as attractive as you.

Stuff you’ve spent money on

An extension of boasting about how much money you make is talking about things you’ve spent money on.  While cars and emus are interesting topics of conversation, the best one is places you’ve travelled to.  The reason for this is that going some place instantly makes you an expert on everything to do with that place.

If you have been to Thailand, even if you spent most of your trip at a full-moon party stumbling around covered in sick, should the subject of the Thai Government’s debt restructuring come up, you are entitled to an informed opinion.

Since the subject of the Thai government’s debt restructuring quite often comes up in conversation amongst my friends, I have booked a holiday to Thailand specifically for this purpose.

Sexual conquests

Most adults have had sexual intercourse; some of them, like myself, upwards of six times. This makes the topic relatable.  Everyone loves a loud, ribald tale of how you took a chap home and he shat himself on your duvet, or to hear you loudly list the names of all the women you have slept with.  The risqué nature of sexual subject matter makes the conversation fun and conspiratorial.

Another reason it is good to discuss sexual adventurism is that future sexual liaisons will be more attracted to you.  People are more attracted to people who loudly go on and on about the other people they have had relations with; it makes them seem more desirable because they can illustrate that other people have, for a few hazy minutes at least, found them desirable. The same goes for drunkenly ranting about your ex.

So now you know how to have a conversation.  Throw in a few guttural noises, laughs, funny snorting sounds, and the odd “Tell me about it” or “Ain’t that the truth!” and you are set to becoming one of those people who are ‘good at talking to people’.

Getting fit

Fitness is extremely important. In prehistoric times people who had defined abdominal muscles were the most valued members of a tribe because they could survive being charged by a triceratops and not get winded.

Since the earliest times, human mating rituals have been based around feats of physical strength. Mayan men would determine the pedigree of a female companion based on how many leg lifts she could do with, lets say, a log.

The earliest recorded ‘Beep Test’, in ancient Rome, was designed so that the wealthy and powerful heiress to an amphora manufacturing fortune could choose a suitable husband.  Wealth and prowess on the battlefield were seen as of scanty importance next to a potential suitor’s being able to run between two arbitrarily defined points, in ever decreasing units of time, measured by beeps.  Except, yeah, they wouldn’t have been ‘beeps’ as much as ‘the chiming of a small bronze bell’.  Yeah.

Even in modern times it is no accident that world leaders in most countries are required to bench-press at least 200 lbs before they can take office; lifting large things, even largely pointless things, is important.

Since earliest times then, being fit has been both prized by society and pivotal in attracting a human mate. For sex with.

The problem is that in our hurly-burly modern world of Twitter and interesting TV shows that last for literally years, it is hard to find the time to exercise.  It is estimated that New Zealand will soon slip to sixth place in the OECD for ‘Ability to hold heavy things above our heads’ and as low as twelfth in ‘Cycling for ages on a stationary bicycle-thing’.

These statistics are frightening, but there is something we can all do.  Even those of us diagnosed, by doctors and stuff, as lazy.

I am here to give some top tips for staying in shape for people who can’t be arsed actually doing hard, sweaty exercise and too cheap to do Pilates or yoga.

Keep gym equipment near the TV

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Gym equipment near the TV: I’m not a douche

The television is the most important focal point of any home. People do all their eating, all their playing with their iPhone, and most of their sitting, in front of the TV, so it pays to have gym equipment sitting near it as a motivation to work out.  As you get up to go to the lavatory, or feed the cat, or have a cigarette out of the window you will occasionally pick up a dumb-bell and languidly lift it up and down a few times.  You are half way there already.

Visible living room gym equipment is also a very good way of determining the value of a sexual partner.  If you bring a ‘special friend’ home and they don’t remark on how much of a total dick you are for having loads of gym equipment in your lounge, definitely don’t sleep with them.  Having gym equipment out for the world to see is the sort of dick move that only a truly soulless and horrid person would think is normal.  If you don’t cut and run now, you might find out later that they believe in the tenets of ‘The Secret’ or that they buy ‘compilations’ of music on CD designed around moods or days of the week.

Always be sitting on a Swiss Ball IMG_0317[1]

Literally the easiest way you can get totally fit is by sitting on a Swiss ball.  Just by sitting down at your computer, or eating a bargain bucket in front of Girls you will be becoming fit.  Sitting on a Swiss ball activates your core which in turn causes fitness. Its basic science.

Wear gym clothes everywhere

If you are always seen walking purposefully wearing a track-suit and trainers people will assume that you are off to the gym and thus, that you are actively getting fit in a mainstream manner.  In doing this, you are walking purposefully which is in itself, a sort of exercise.  This is where the common idiom ‘The world is my gym’ comes from.  Yes, granted, it is usually said by woefully unfit people, but enough storming from place to place hurriedly will give you much needed leg fitness.

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Nike Air Max: An estimated 7 billion pairs were stolen during the London Riots of 2010

This method of getting fit is so common that an entire type of sports shoe has been invented for the purpose: the cross trainer.  There is actually no such thing as ‘cross training’ – the shoe is entirely for walking around as if you are off to do actual fitness stuff. The Nike Air Max (pictured) was first designed as a shoe for running away from the police in horrific housing estates, but later adopted by people wishing to look like they exercise but really sit around playing video-games and occasionally going to nightclubs.

So there you have it, fitness without much changing your sedentary lifestyle. Choice.

Fancy chippies

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Chippies: The most versatile meal

Chippies are probably the most versatile meal. They are so easy to prepare that you can whip up a dish of chippies even when you are arse-faced and they contain, lets say, 98.7% of your daily nutrients.  They contain salt for energy and potato for vitamins.  There are a myriad of flavours which cover any taste or desire.  There’s even gourmet varieties like ‘Roast Duck’ and ‘Sour Cream and Chives’ for all you foodees out there.

Unlike the other good food, pork slices, chippies are vegetarian.  Even the ones that say they are things like ‘Bacon and Radish’ or ‘Fried Deer’ don’t actually have any meat in them, they just use clever meat-flavoured chemicals.  This means that if you are a vegetarian, or pretending to be a vegetarian to impress someone who is a vegetarian, you can eat chippies and you’ll be fine.

Remember, vegetarians are quite often attractive. I have never been able to work out precisely why, but I have a laboratory working on it as I type this weblog bulletin.

Lettuce

Lettuce: Often replaced in salads with chippies. Especially when it has a creepy water-mark on it like this lettuce does.

Chippies aren’t just a meal. Quite often at fancy parties you’ll find chippies served alongside other foods like salsa, pate, or celery.  On one occasion I even saw chippies used as a basis of a salad, replacing lettuce.

On their own chippies are the best vegetarian food but sometimes you might wish to go for something a bit fancier.  Maybe you are having a man over. Or a lady. Or maybe both.  Maybe the man is going to watch. I’m not going to judge.

Maybe your motives aren’t the accumulation of sexual conquests at all; maybe you are inviting a few colleagues over from work and you want to prove to them that you are middle-class.  Maybe you just feel like treating yourself and you don’t want to go to a restaurant because for some reason you find waiters disconcerting.

In the same way that chippies can help you sate your hunger at 4.30AM when you stumble in after a night on the razz, chippies can also help you impress a conjugal guest, win that contract, or convince your friends pork slices aren’t the only thing you eat.   Because you are sober, you will be pleasantly surprised how little of the plastic packaging you end up eating trying to open them too.

Open the packet and place the chippies in a bowl. When sober you will find that you can IMG_0322[1]open a packet of chippies, even a difficult one, with your hands.  While you can still open a packet of chippies with your teeth when you haven’t imbibed, it is generally considered polite to open the packet with your hands.  To make fancy chippies place a small amount of the chippies in the bowl, in a manner similar to that pictured on your right.

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Tomato sauce: The key to the taste sensation

Tomato sauce. Opening the packet with your hands and using a bowl isn’t the only thing that differentiates cordon bleu dining from a normal night at home with a packet of chicken Spuds.  The key ingredient is tomato sauce.  This turns chippies from a meal, into a taste sensation. This is why you only placed a small amount of the chippies in the bowl; you need to layer the chippies and the sauce.  Squirt the sauce in a manner similar to, but not necessarily identical to, the manner pictured on the left.

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Turning the mundane, into the magnificent.

Creativity. People often say creativity is the key to turning average stuff into good, or even awesome stuff.  While this seldom applies to food, it is certainly the case with smart phones, cars, shoes, music and what order you take different drugs in.  It is our intention to turn the normally formulaic and even pointless world of food preparation into something creative, something bordering on art. You do this by adding ingredients. I like pepper and chilli powder, as pictured on the right, but you could go for mustard, cheese or even oysters.

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Another layer of chippies. On top of the first layer. It’s like that movie Layer Cake.

Layer it. It’s not all fun, games, and stopping part-way through your preparation to go on Twitter; creating a great meal takes work. You’ve only done the bottom layer remember, so put down that drink and get on with it! They’ll be here in a minute and you’ve still got to do a Spotify playlist.  And all your other Spotify play-lists you have are arse. They are all full of Mumford and Sons songs and remixes of Len’s ‘Steal My Sunshine’ which you tell people you listen to ironically.

Topping it all off. You’ve done the layers of chippies, and they have sauce, and chilli, and pepper, and maybe gherkins on them but now its time to really mix it up. Time to make this meal into an experience.  One food that goes with all other foods, breakfast or otherwise, is eggs. So add a fried egg. Well, fry up an egg and then add it.  Then place the egg on top of the fancy chippies.  When you serve the meal your guest(s) will go “That’s a pretty decent meal, an egg in a bowl.  Hold up though, there’s something underneath this fried egg. I mean, the egg was enough, but…Oh my GOD!”  

IMG_0329[1]They will quite literally think, if not say, exactly that. Word for word.

There is literally no way you won’t impress your guests and you will finally realise why celebrity chefs get lots of money and fame and sex despite being such total and utter fuck-wits.